I took a total of 700 steps this week. I wanted to take 1,000, but my body just seemed to need more rest. Afterall, I did just start this program 2 weeks ago. As one of my cousins put it, "that's still 700 more steps than you were taking last month, right?" And yes, she is absolutely right. I also started using a different tool; my forearm crutches. These allow me to walk further without such intense fatigue in my arms, but also force me to use more muscles in my legs and lower body since it is much harder to balance. I even got so brave as to go barefoot without my left foot brace a few times. I usually wear this brace on my left foot, especially if wearing shoes, because I have a bit of foot drop for one, and for two, that foot is much more weak than the right (like when my arms came back, my left arm was much stronger at first even though I am right-handed) so I cannot always pick it up and it will drag and trip me. All in all I would say it was a good week even with a few tiny hiccups.
I had set a goal in my head for 1,000 steps, I think I even mentioned it somewhere -- maybe Facebook or Myspace. After three solid days of no walking, I was coming down to the wire of getting in 920 more steps for the week, but my body was just so tired and sore that it brought down my motivation level. This, in turn, brings down my spirits a bit, and then I overeat.
It's a difficult thing trying to achieve such a big goal. I mean, honestly, all I really want for right this moment is to lose the weight. This will allow me to move around much easier, and then the rehab can really take flight. The fact is, the rehab will aid in losing the weight! So this is where that term "getting in shape" comes in. I must do both and I cannot have one without the other.
My biggest problem is comfort food, especially when I'm feeling pain. I have been told by many doctors, and even some dentists, that we go for sugar and caffeine when we are in pain because caffeine deadens the nerve receptors and sugar makes us feel good. I could be the poster child for that fact. The first thing I go for when I'm feeling low is anything with sugar in it, and even at midnight if I'm achey and sore I will crave a big cup of hot coffee. Last night, for instance, I was very tired from taking my step-sister to the airport at 5am, which in turn made me a little depressed feeling (I get down when I am tired) which made me have not one, but two big bowls of fruit loops. I had done great up until that point. Even though I stayed under 2,000 calories for the day, I still felt guilty and ashamed. Shame on me. Not shame on me for eating the cereal, but shame on me for feeling guilty and ashamed. I didn't mess up that bad, but when I am trying to achieve a goal I feel that if I deviate even the tiniest bit I've been bad, very bad. This way of thinking is wrong. I am doing well and I have to remember that so I don't sabotage my progress thus far.
I have learned that the major key in all of this is never give up. I have always known that, but when I get down on myself and depressed I forget. When it just starts to feel like it's too much, anyone can start to feel like everything they are doing is for nothing. I try my hardest to stay strong, and when I feel like I'm slipping, I force myself to get up and walk even if it's just for a few steps. That brings up my spirits and then I go for more, and more, and even more, until I have done 100 steps or so and now I feel great! Now not only did I do something good, but all those wonderful and natural feel good chemicals have been released in my brain (thank God for endorphins or none of us would do a damn thing) and I start to remember what accomplishment feels like. Even if I take a whole day and do nothing, and eat the wrong things, I try to remember that tomorrow is a new day and I can get back on track once again. I will get there, it's just going to take time and a lot of hard work and effort. I'm not afraid of hard work or effort, I'm afraid of failing, but I can't let fear stand in my way. Afterall, a life lived in fear is a life half lived.
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