It's Decision Time

Something in my gut is telling me it's time to ditch the house chair for good and just use the walker, and fear is the only thing holding me back.  The more I go over it in my head, the more I agree with my instincts that there are no excuses for not.  The more excuses my fear comes up with, the faster my heart bats them out of the park.

I've thought, "but it's harder to do chores".  So what.  Harder is good, and anything that's too difficult my daughter would be glad to help with - she already helps with a lot, seeing her mommy up and walking I'm sure would make her very happy to continue to help.

And then I think, "it's really going to wear me out".  Again, so what.  Isn't that the point?  Don't I want to get exercise and lose weight and fight to walk again.  Wouldn't walking again all day every day just make the weight come off that much faster and make my legs that much stronger?  They are already getting stronger from the times I spend getting my steps in, so perhaps forcing myself to quit the chair cold-turkey could be the best decision I've ever made. 

There is a struggle going on inside me, but the idea of ditching the chair keeps winning.  It's a very scary thought, I've been dependent on wheels underneath me for so many years, and I think that is the problem.  As long as I'm dependent on that chair, it's going to take me that much longer to move forward.

It's going to be very hard for a while, but so was brushing my hair on my own for the first time, or sitting up for the first time, or any one of the long list of things I've had to do over the years for the first time all over again.  There was a time when I couldn't feed myself, but out of the need to eat without relying on anyone else, I learned to do it.  There was a time when I couldn't get myself in and out of bed, but again I started trying and eventually got strong enough to do it on my own.  The first time I sat up on my own I thought I was going to fall over and break something, but I didn't, and eventually my trunk got stronger and I was able to sit up all the time without giving it a thought.  There was a time when I couldn't stand for longer than a few seconds, and now I'm standing and doing a sink full of dishes, and walking 100's of steps at a time.

Now it's time to stop relying on the wheelchair and make the legs remember what they are supposed to do.  I have plenty of walking aids, including a rolling walker with a seat so I can sit when I get tired.  And I can't be afraid to rest when I know I need to. 

I will still keep the chair for emergencies, but it will be out in my shed where it will remain.  I also still need to keep my outside wheelchair (it doesn't fit through the doorways in the house) for long distances like going to the grocery store, etc.  But, I have a feeling that before I know it, I'll be donating that chair to someone who needs it because I no longer will.