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Thursday, October 29, 2015
Back To It
I've decided to get back to my blog. It's been a very long time since I've posted anything worthwhile, but I had good reason. I think.
I spent the last 5 years or so grieving yet another loss. I moved from Florida back to my hometown in Minnesota, and in the process went through a ton of trials and tribulations -- to put it mildly. I had no money, no car, a shitty basement apartment. But, I had a roof over my head and food to eat (barely). I've spent these years working my hardest to get back on my feet, and so far, so good. I am slowly getting back on my feet figuratively as well as literally, although I've suffered a few setbacks to the literal aspect.
Thanks to a person I will no longer refer to as having any relation to me, I have a nice car. I live in a great apartment on the top floor in downtown. It's fully handicapped accessible all the way through to the bedroom closet, and the rent is cheap. And, I've been back to work and doing well. The biggest drawback I've had recently has been my health, once again. I am dealing with tons of pain, tightness, and loss of range of motion and flexibility.
Although, I do believe it's because my legs are coming back. After nearly 18 years, I truly believe something has healed and I am fortunate enough to be gaining full use of my legs again. After 18 years, anything that comes back to life is going to be mad and not feel very good. I see the doubt on my doctor's faces when I mention that idea, but I don't care what they think or what they think they know. People in comas have come out of their coma after 20 years by some "miracle", so why can't my legs do the same? They can.
The tightness I've been feeling, at first, I thought was spasticity, but now I am convinced it's tone returning. They are extremely sensitive to touch and jump and spasm when touched, and that just makes me think well "duhhhh!" I can feel more than I could before and those nerves that were dormant for 18 years are now alive and awake. I'd jump and flinch if I hadn't moved in 18 years, too!
I am reminded every day of my favorite doctor, Dr. James Burnett, and how after asking me how I was doing and I would say "my back hurts, but other than that I'm good", he would say "well, at least you can feel it!" That's exactly what I say to myself every time the pain in my legs gets so bad I don't think I can handle it. I just shut my eyes and remember him and say "at least you can feel it".
This all started in my hips at the beginning of this year, and has since progressed down to my thighs and knees. This tells me it's moving down, which is what it should do if there is a nerve that is healing. This is great news. I am interested to see where I will be in another couple of months! I'm very scared, but I'm very, very, very hopeful and happy that my gut keeps telling me I'm getting my legs back. I always listen to my gut, it's never wrong.
I spent the last 5 years or so grieving yet another loss. I moved from Florida back to my hometown in Minnesota, and in the process went through a ton of trials and tribulations -- to put it mildly. I had no money, no car, a shitty basement apartment. But, I had a roof over my head and food to eat (barely). I've spent these years working my hardest to get back on my feet, and so far, so good. I am slowly getting back on my feet figuratively as well as literally, although I've suffered a few setbacks to the literal aspect.
Thanks to a person I will no longer refer to as having any relation to me, I have a nice car. I live in a great apartment on the top floor in downtown. It's fully handicapped accessible all the way through to the bedroom closet, and the rent is cheap. And, I've been back to work and doing well. The biggest drawback I've had recently has been my health, once again. I am dealing with tons of pain, tightness, and loss of range of motion and flexibility.
Although, I do believe it's because my legs are coming back. After nearly 18 years, I truly believe something has healed and I am fortunate enough to be gaining full use of my legs again. After 18 years, anything that comes back to life is going to be mad and not feel very good. I see the doubt on my doctor's faces when I mention that idea, but I don't care what they think or what they think they know. People in comas have come out of their coma after 20 years by some "miracle", so why can't my legs do the same? They can.
The tightness I've been feeling, at first, I thought was spasticity, but now I am convinced it's tone returning. They are extremely sensitive to touch and jump and spasm when touched, and that just makes me think well "duhhhh!" I can feel more than I could before and those nerves that were dormant for 18 years are now alive and awake. I'd jump and flinch if I hadn't moved in 18 years, too!
I am reminded every day of my favorite doctor, Dr. James Burnett, and how after asking me how I was doing and I would say "my back hurts, but other than that I'm good", he would say "well, at least you can feel it!" That's exactly what I say to myself every time the pain in my legs gets so bad I don't think I can handle it. I just shut my eyes and remember him and say "at least you can feel it".
This all started in my hips at the beginning of this year, and has since progressed down to my thighs and knees. This tells me it's moving down, which is what it should do if there is a nerve that is healing. This is great news. I am interested to see where I will be in another couple of months! I'm very scared, but I'm very, very, very hopeful and happy that my gut keeps telling me I'm getting my legs back. I always listen to my gut, it's never wrong.
Grama Shannon
Been taking belly selfies with my daughter since she first found out she was pregnant. Can't wait to put them together in a slide. This one was a month or so ago, she's even bigger now. 32 weeks this Sunday, but Kaleb (my grandson) is measuring at 35 weeks! She's scared he's going to be big like I was when I was born! (10 lbs 1.5 oz. and 23 1/2" long) I was the size of a 3 month old baby ;)
The Struggle Is Definitely Real: 80 Steps At A Time
"The Struggle Is Definitely Real: 80 Steps At A Time: Some people train to run marathons, I'll settle for walking 100ft on my own power. It has been 12 years since I have walked unassisted ..."
Getting back to my blog is a real eye-opener for me today. The comment I made in this post "feeling pain is good, right?" has me laughing hysterically at my thinking that was painful. The pain I've been feeling lately is SO much worse! Oy.
Although I think the pain I've been feeling and the tightness I've been dealing with in my legs are all good things, I still have days when I wonder why anything good could feel so bad.
What gets me through these trying times is trying to remember the wise old sayings like, "nothing worthwhile comes easy" and "it has to hurt if it's to heal". I am putting those to the test.
I went from walking with a walker to back in a wheelchair, again. It's not because of the pain, it's because my legs are too tight and refuse to go straight enough to stand. No matter what I try and how much I stretch, standing has just not been something I have been able to do for months now. It really worries me and makes me stressed, but I just try to do the best I can and stretch every day and just keep trying every day. Some days are better than others.
So, for now I will just keep doing what I can do to try to get back to standing and walking, no matter how much it hurts.
Getting back to my blog is a real eye-opener for me today. The comment I made in this post "feeling pain is good, right?" has me laughing hysterically at my thinking that was painful. The pain I've been feeling lately is SO much worse! Oy.
Although I think the pain I've been feeling and the tightness I've been dealing with in my legs are all good things, I still have days when I wonder why anything good could feel so bad.
What gets me through these trying times is trying to remember the wise old sayings like, "nothing worthwhile comes easy" and "it has to hurt if it's to heal". I am putting those to the test.
I went from walking with a walker to back in a wheelchair, again. It's not because of the pain, it's because my legs are too tight and refuse to go straight enough to stand. No matter what I try and how much I stretch, standing has just not been something I have been able to do for months now. It really worries me and makes me stressed, but I just try to do the best I can and stretch every day and just keep trying every day. Some days are better than others.
So, for now I will just keep doing what I can do to try to get back to standing and walking, no matter how much it hurts.
The Struggle Is Definitely Real: It's My Blog and I'll Cry If I Want To
I came to my blog today after a looooong time away and one of the most read posts was this one. I found strength in my own words written over 5 years ago. Go, me.
Never Give Up: It's My Blog and I'll Cry If I Want To: Sometimes it's hard to be sunny and cheery, especially when outside forces insist on ruining what was starting off as a perfectly good d...
Never Give Up: It's My Blog and I'll Cry If I Want To: Sometimes it's hard to be sunny and cheery, especially when outside forces insist on ruining what was starting off as a perfectly good d...
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