Looking Back

I was just looking back at some of my older posts when I was walking using a walker. It reminded me how exhilarating it was and I needed to be reminded of that because all I remember when I look back in my mind is how terrible it was. I struggled so hard for so long and felt so much pain and frustration. I never really progressed past a certain point, so my life was very restricted to what I could do because of lack of endurance and strength. Not many people would think that a wheelchair will give you more freedom, but in my case it does. The difference between struggling to walk with a walker and using a wheelchair are like night and day. For longer trips and all around efficiency of getting around, the wheelchair will always be my best option. Sure, I might get stuck with lack of accessibility in certain places, but nowadays that's not nearly as often and it's much fewer and farther between than walking and losing my strength and not being able to go on any further.

After a few years of dealing with health issues once again; a large tumor that required a full hysterectomy, tight and bent legs that wouldn't go straight restricting my movement and ability to stand or walk and this year I fractured my right ankle, I am finally beginning to stand more. Every time I stand I can feel how tight my muscles have become and it reminds me to stand more often to help loosen them up. I also am going to begin walking as much as I can with my walker while I'm at home to strengthen my bones as much as I can and help strengthen the area of my ankle that was fractured. It's wonderful to finally be in a place in my life where I can accept the fact that I am just unable to walk long distances or climb stairs very well. I have fully accepted my bodies limitations and learned to be thankful for the abilities I do have. Using a wheelchair no longer carries the negative feelings it once did for me. This is simply how I must get around. The only person that needs to care about it is me and I'm fine with it. Anyone else who isn't, well they can just go find some walking friends :/

For years I allowed the stigma of being in a wheelchair to follow me. Even my own so-called father would make horrible comments about the wheelchair and never just accepted that my body is just stuck at a level that makes it a necessary evil. He found it to be an evil, I no longer do. I would never consider something that gives me my freedom to be evil. Yes, it scratches the inside of car. Yes, sometimes I am unable to access things because of the chair. Yes, sitting all the time isn't exactly the best for you and my bones are becoming weaker as the years progress. All of these things (and too many more to list) are the price I pay for my freedom and completely unavoidable. They are also no longer things I stress myself over. I can do as much as I can at home to strengthen my bones and stand as often as possible to keep the circulation moving and keep my muscles as limber as possible. I no longer stress that I am unable to walk very far. I tried to walk. Twice. Both times I hit the same plateau and did not progress any further. Yes, when I first began walking I was getting stronger and making strides, but that will happen after you've been sitting long enough. I still only reached the same point I had right after I became sick and did two years of physical therapy. There's a reason I stopped going to therapy and it is because I stopped progressing and became a waste of my time. I never wanted to accept that, but I have.

Acceptance is the final stage of grief. I feel blessed to have reached this stage after over 20 years of fighting and struggling and not truly enjoying my life. Yes, I enjoy my life! I just enjoy it a little differently than most ;)