I am finding it very hard to keep my head above water today. I'm feeling very overwhelmed with physical pain, and emotional pain, and it feels like whenever I'm going through some of the most difficult times in my life, there are people who insist on adding more struggle to the mix. I'm tired of getting over things. I'm tired of having things done to me that I have to get over. What if I don't want to "get over it"? What if I have reached my limit of getting over it and my tank is empty? Does anyone care about that?
People have become so much more selfish and self absorbed it's almost unbearable. There is no more sentiment to anything. Nobody creates bonds anymore, or if they do, or try, they seem to always get broken. Nothing is held sacred. I don't know what to blame, be it technology or what, but the world is becoming an unfeeling, robot-like society. It's as if it's easy to break ties because the world has become a much smaller place with the internet making us able to find someone else to fill that void within minutes. What people don't seem to understand is there will never be any real ties or real connections if this continues. How can anyone form a real and lasting bond with another human being if one, or both of them is constantly searching the vast internet for something more.
I've experienced enough pain in my 40 years that I am simply done trying. My heart has always been so big and full that I have always wanted to share it, even with the most difficult of people. My father being one of them. He's a granite statue of a man; very cold and unyielding. Not easily moved by anything or anyone, not even his own blood. For most of my life I tried over and over to show him love. I wanted him to realize that life isn't always about suffering and pain, that there are people in the world who will love you and care for you, but all that did was push him farther and farther away from me. Finally, after being hurt by him over and over and over, I just gave up. In order to preserve whatever was left in me that was good and pure, I had to let his negativity go. The problem is, I choose men who are very similar to him, and follow the same pattern of giving myself fully to try to "heal" them with my love. I pick men who have been hurt, and I want to love them so much that they no longer hurt. All that gets me... is hurt. When will the cycle ever end?
I can't stop being "me", but I can stop giving myself away. I think.
So many people have become so afraid to love. I don't think love is a bad thing, I think the inability to love is a bad thing. It will catch up with you in the end. I believe that at the end of your life, when you are approaching that time when you will no longer exist, the one regret people will have will be not allowing themselves to love more. Yes, a broken heart hurts, but it heals. What about all that wonderful stuff in the middle you're missing out on? What about all that potential happiness and joy that was wasted because of fear? Not me. I will never stop wanting to feel love and give love.
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