This looks FUN!
Monday, February 29, 2016
Sunday, February 28, 2016
Cinnamon Apple Cider Detox Drink
I found this post has suddenly been getting a lot of views lately, so I decided to repost it and bring it up to the forefront. It's coming into Spring, not Fall, obviously, and this is also a time when I start hitting the trail and really getting into outdoor cardio exercise. This drink really is fabulous! I've also added a little Peach Schnapps for a fun drink now and then!
[original post: August 24, 2013]
Since I've been trying to get healthier and lose more weight before my surgery, I've been perusing Pinterest a lot searching for good low cal or no cal detox drinks. I found a Pin for a Zero Calorie Detox drink that called for slicing an apple then adding a cinnamon stick to water and putting it in the refrigerator at least over night. It didn't seem like that method would release a whole lot of flavor, or nutrients, from either source, so I devised my own method and created my own drink.
Not only did this make my whole apartment smell absolutely heavenly, but it turned out amazingly delicious! It's a great drink for any time of year, but even more special now that Fall is right around the corner. If you like apple cider, or apple juice, you're going to love this. It actually kind of tastes like a McDonalds Apple Pie in a glass! (without all the fat and calories, of course!)
Ingredients:
1 Apple (any choice - I used a Fuji Apple)
1 Large Whole Cinnamon Stick
1 Tablespoon Unsulphured Molasses
1/4 - 1/2 cup Raw Unfiltered Organic Apple Cider Vinegar
Stevia Sweetener to taste (the kind for baking)
I sliced and peeled my apple. Then in a medium sized saucepan I added about 4 -5 cups of water, the cinnamon stick, and molasses. Bring the water to a boil and boil for just a minute or two, then reduce heat to a simmer, cover and let simmer for at least an hour. You really want the apples to release their goodness.
After it's done simmering and you've allowed it to cool, strain the liquid into a pitcher and refrigerate overnight (this process might not be necessary, but it just happened I made this at night, so that's what I did). The next morning I added the apple cider vinegar and about 3 tablespoons of Stevia sweetener (the kind that measures just like sugar).
Pour over ice and enjoy! I drink a glass every morning!
If you try this and want to tell me how it turned out, feel free to comment or email me. I'd be happy to know someone else enjoys it as much as me. The reason for the apple cider vinegar is that I've read it's excellent for aiding in weight loss and reducing belly fat, so I figured this would be a great way to sneak it into my diet. I'm sure it adds the lovely cider flavor to this drink as well.
Never Give Up
Saturday, February 27, 2016
Spring Fever
Pain had to take a backseat today as I took to the trail and got some much needed exercise. Although only 45 degrees outside and pretty wet, it was a very beautiful ride with a great friend. By the end we both just felt alive. Breathing in that cold, crisp air really gives a person a nice boost of energy and just makes you feel clean and refreshed.
We are excited for more upcoming rides just like today. I appreciate the company and the distraction from my misery, and the exercise helps me to feel somewhat human again.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Dial-A-Douche
THIS is what I deal with on a minute-to-minute basis, every single day.
The irony of it is the fact this is a wheelchair accessible, dial-a-ride van for those with limited abilities or the inability to drive. There are stickers on both sides of the van asking for courteous parking, to not park too close to the doors, to leave room for a wheelchair to get in and out. Yet, she is parked taking up two handicapped spots, one of which is mine, and I am in a wheelchair. If I was to park in the spot on the left (which is near the roadway) then I'm infringing on the van's ability to get a passenger in or out -- so...
First of all, people, parking on ANY hash marks is illegal, ESPECIALLY the blue ones that signify handicapped spaces! For those of you who don't know what hash marks are, they are the diagonal lines next to a parking spot, or anything, to signal you to NOT park there - or drive there in some cases. This person, who should know the rules, is clearly parked on them.
This is the second time today this has happened to me, and I've had it up to my eyeballs with this shit. At my doctor's office, an elderly woman parked three inches from my driver's door leaving me no room to get out even if I could walk, and I have to have my door all the way open to be able to get my chair out. So, I had to move my car over onto the hash marks to make room for MYSELF.
I have been dealing with this inconsiderate shit for nearly 20 years now and I'm done being nice and just letting it go. I'm going to start calling every single person out so that maybe someday these idiots will be educated enough to have a little courtesy for people who's lives are hard enough the way it is without having to be more inconvenienced and ignored. I'm done. This means war.
Monday, February 22, 2016
Saturday, February 20, 2016
Quote Of The Day
"You have to be completely consumed with your outward appearance to look in a mirror and not see the terrible person within"
Healing More Than Just My Body Once Again
This will be the second time in my life that I'm struggling with both a broken body, and a broken heart. They say God only gives us what we can handle, but sometimes I think He has a lot more faith in me than He should.
Apparently it's not enough to be struggling with the physical torture of a body that's constantly racked with pain and tight and twisted up, but I also have to tend to an aching heart. There truly are days when I feel like I just can't go on, but I have to believe I'm strong enough to do this once again.
The hardest part of the broken heart is knowing the awful person who broke it never deserved to have it in the first place. I wasted all of that effort and love on a person who threw me away like yesterday's trash. I think that's what hurts the most. It makes you feel stupid for not seeing the truth. For wasting all that time trying to show someone they are loved, when they never wanted your love, or deserved it. Trying to help a person who proclaimed to have been so hurt by someone before; to show them that not everyone is mean and cruel, only to become the victim of their cruelty. To lift someone up and try to show them a better life, only to have them shit all over you once they have gotten what they needed. I just can't understand it and never will. I guess because I would never do that to another person, but it always gets done to me.
It seems like whenever I get physically hurt and incapable of giving in my usual manner, people leave. It's always the people I love the most. So, I guess the problem lies within myself. I give my love away too easily. I think I see someone who's been broken like me, and I want to make them feel better no matter what it takes. I know the terrible pain that comes after someone destroys your heart (like now), and I go out of my way to try to mend it for them. I know this is a good quality and I will never feel sorrow or regret for being good. I actually feel sorry for those who took so much from me with such little regard, because in the end it is they who have lost the most.
Reaching Out To Mayo
I have decided to spend this weekend drafting a letter to Mayo Clinic. The medical care in Grand Forks is so sub-standard that I feel as though the files Mayo received from here were also so sub-standard that it played a large role in why I was unable to get an appointment. I plan to write a very detailed account of my illness from beginning in 1997 to now and make them aware of everything I've tried to make Grand Forks doctors aware of with no success. I've tried telling them numerous times that this all slowly began after my hysterectomy in 2013, but none of them seem to want to hear me. They treat me as just another patient who doesn't know what she's talking about, but I could run circles around them with the medical knowledge I possess. I may not have a degree, or know all the complicated medical terms, but I know my body, I know what my body has gone through, and I know how things work. Most importantly, I know when I'm not being heard. Half of these doctors need to lose their licenses to practice medicine, especially the physiatrist who never listens to a word I say and has me sitting here for 2 weeks in excruciating pain because of that fact.
Nothing gets accomplished by sitting idly by, and that has never been more true than when it comes to your health. I have a lot of typing and thinking to do, and I hope that I am able to get through to the doctors at Mayo Clinic so that they will take on my case. This will not only help me, but possibly someone in the future with similar issues.
Nothing gets accomplished by sitting idly by, and that has never been more true than when it comes to your health. I have a lot of typing and thinking to do, and I hope that I am able to get through to the doctors at Mayo Clinic so that they will take on my case. This will not only help me, but possibly someone in the future with similar issues.
Monday, February 15, 2016
Chronic, Excruciating Pain
Made an appointment with the pain doctor today. I can no longer tolerate the pain, and tramadol and ibuprofen are not doing anything anymore. I don't like being drugged up, so hopefully there is a pain killer that can do the job without making me a zombie. I need relief. I need sleep, and I'm not getting either of those.
Saturday, February 13, 2016
Guillain-Barre Syndrome Awareness - Happy Valentine's Day
I thought I would share some nice pictures I came across that were taken before I got sick. These were taken the summer before. I miss that body. Those long, strong legs. Who would think that someone this healthy and fit would be sick and half dead in just a few months, and all due to some strange illness they had barely even heard of at the time.
All I want this Valentine's Day is a donation or even a share of my GoFundMe page :)
Florida Sunset
An older post, and one of the only things I miss about living in Florida; the sunsets.
Honeymoon Island, FL
Friday, February 12, 2016
U of M Minneapolis
I received the call from my neurologist's office this morning. I did not get into Mayo Clinic like we had hoped (sad face), but they were able to get me an appointment at U of M in Minneapolis! So, that's a great start. I can continue to try to get into Mayo if they are unable to find any answers. Mayo is very strict about their criteria. They state that appointments are in such high demand with not enough resources to accommodate every appointment request that they feel I do not meet enough of their criteria for an appointment. They don't feel there is anything more they can do that my doctors here aren't already doing (which is crazy talk, but whatever).
I feel that my doctors haven't done diddly squat! I've had numerous appointments, but most of them are all talking about my symptoms and trying to find the right medications to get my legs loosened up enough to get an MRI. We were unable to do that, so I finally had to be put under anesthesia to get the MRI. The MRI was all normal, so now what? According to my neurologist, she didn't want to do any more testing because then Mayo wouldn't accept me, but they didn't accept me anyway so I'm just frustrated. I really wanted to get into Mayo, but I'll take the U of M as well. It's at least a step up from where I am now.
At least rather than just getting me relief, my doctors are trying to find the reason behind all of this and hopefully make me better so I'm extremely happy about that, I just get frustrated and impatient. Most nights I can't sleep because the pain and spasms in my legs are so bad. Lack of sleep just makes things worse all around. My mental, emotional and physical states take a beating when I'm sleep deprived. I'm not even sure what we could do to get me sleeping at night. We've tried so many different medications already and none have really done much at providing me with much relief.
I guess I'll just wait and talk to the U of M. Wish me luck!!!
I feel that my doctors haven't done diddly squat! I've had numerous appointments, but most of them are all talking about my symptoms and trying to find the right medications to get my legs loosened up enough to get an MRI. We were unable to do that, so I finally had to be put under anesthesia to get the MRI. The MRI was all normal, so now what? According to my neurologist, she didn't want to do any more testing because then Mayo wouldn't accept me, but they didn't accept me anyway so I'm just frustrated. I really wanted to get into Mayo, but I'll take the U of M as well. It's at least a step up from where I am now.
At least rather than just getting me relief, my doctors are trying to find the reason behind all of this and hopefully make me better so I'm extremely happy about that, I just get frustrated and impatient. Most nights I can't sleep because the pain and spasms in my legs are so bad. Lack of sleep just makes things worse all around. My mental, emotional and physical states take a beating when I'm sleep deprived. I'm not even sure what we could do to get me sleeping at night. We've tried so many different medications already and none have really done much at providing me with much relief.
I guess I'll just wait and talk to the U of M. Wish me luck!!!
Monday, February 8, 2016
Someone To Lean On
As usual, leaning on my beautiful daughter for support. She has turned into such an amazing woman throughout all the struggles we've been through together. She is a caring and loving person who just wants to help people, and she's pursuing that dream. She officially became a CNA this month and works at a psychiatric hospital, and will be returning to school to pursue a nursing degree. I couldn't be more proud.
This photo was taken in 2010 on a trip we took that summer after I began using my walker to try to get stronger and hopefully walk again someday. That actually went quite well for a few years until my hysterectomy in late 2013 when all of the new issues began. I have fought and fought but whatever is causing problems now seems to keep winning. I'm still fighting!
(Originally posted August 12, 2010)
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Hello From The Other Side
Very nicely done. Watch for the high kicks -- one of my favorite parts!
Hardcore, soft porn. Hello from the outside. Suck my socks.
Posted by Cristhian Chica - Khriz on Friday, January 22, 2016
Original Post: 7-21-10 (Day 201 - New Spasms, New Pains)
Another post I found in my archives that I wanted to re-share. 2010 was the year I began trying very hard to get my legs stronger and began using my walker and pushing myself to walk more and more every day. I documented my step count each day in my blog, and also updated with posts like the one below telling of new changes I was feeling. Funny that I am still having the pain and spasms in the hips, but it's so much worse and I'm unable to stand or walk. Back then, although I was having the contracting spasms, once they were over my legs would just go back to being limp and numb. Now, I still get the very painful contracting spasms, but my legs no longer return to being limp and numb. It's as if they are in a permanent contraction of some kind, and they are sensitive to touch which they never were before.
I'm trying to piece all of this together in my mind, and put it all down in my blog as well so that I have a record. My memory isn't the greatest because of all the medications I have to take, and I want this all available to show to Mayo.
I do remember how great it felt to be up and moving around again, though, and I miss that so much! It's a struggle every single day not to fall into a pit of depression because of this again.
(originally posted July 21, 2010):
"All of this walking is certainly doing something. I can tell by the new, and quite powerful spasms, and the new pains. My left leg can spasm so strong and painful that it feels as if my leg will rip right off my body at the hip. This has caused a new constant pain to form in that very same hip. My legs in general are hurting more than ever, but in a good way. It feels like they are sore. The kind of sore you feel after a really long bike ride, or a muscle-ripping workout at the gym. In other words: it's all good!
For a while I still had some doubts as to whether or not I really would see any significant progress in my strength and ability, but those doubts are starting to fade. The more new pain I feel, the more I realize walking is that much closer to a reality. Standing up from a seated position has gotten easier, my endurance has increased, I can stand for longer periods, and walking is becoming second nature once again. I catch myself reaching for my walker even when I've decided to rest and use the chair. That development is the best yet. I not only have to change my way of getting around, but my way of thinking as well.
I am getting really excited for my trip in six days. I'm still a little bit nervous, but I'm more excited and looking forward to it than ever. I know it will be hard work, and I don't care. I'm so happy I am able to do something that just six months ago was just a dream."
I'm trying to piece all of this together in my mind, and put it all down in my blog as well so that I have a record. My memory isn't the greatest because of all the medications I have to take, and I want this all available to show to Mayo.
I do remember how great it felt to be up and moving around again, though, and I miss that so much! It's a struggle every single day not to fall into a pit of depression because of this again.
(originally posted July 21, 2010):
"All of this walking is certainly doing something. I can tell by the new, and quite powerful spasms, and the new pains. My left leg can spasm so strong and painful that it feels as if my leg will rip right off my body at the hip. This has caused a new constant pain to form in that very same hip. My legs in general are hurting more than ever, but in a good way. It feels like they are sore. The kind of sore you feel after a really long bike ride, or a muscle-ripping workout at the gym. In other words: it's all good!
For a while I still had some doubts as to whether or not I really would see any significant progress in my strength and ability, but those doubts are starting to fade. The more new pain I feel, the more I realize walking is that much closer to a reality. Standing up from a seated position has gotten easier, my endurance has increased, I can stand for longer periods, and walking is becoming second nature once again. I catch myself reaching for my walker even when I've decided to rest and use the chair. That development is the best yet. I not only have to change my way of getting around, but my way of thinking as well.
I am getting really excited for my trip in six days. I'm still a little bit nervous, but I'm more excited and looking forward to it than ever. I know it will be hard work, and I don't care. I'm so happy I am able to do something that just six months ago was just a dream."
You've come a long way from those skinny legs baby!
I found this post in my archives today and had to repost. I know I have this actual photo somewhere, and I plan to find it and scan it for a better quality image. I was 125 pounds there, smaller than a size 4. When I originally posted this, I had begun walking with my walker and trying harder to gain strength in my legs, which I actually began to do and was able to walk for a while using a walker until I had my hysterectomy and then everything kind of went down hill again and led me to where I am now -- once again unable to stand or really move from the waist down.
(originally posted May, 2010)
"I stumbled across a folder full of photos, and while looking through it found this and it took my breath away. The sight of my skinny, ill frame is shocking. This was taken three months after my release from the hospital where I spent six full months of hell. Notice the skinny arms and legs. I have packed on considerable muscle in my upper body, and recently, even my legs are putting on some muscle. This is a wonderful reminder of how far I have come.
Yeah!"
Needing Help
I've always been such a strong woman. Even after the illness hit me. Just because I am broken physically, doesn't mean it could break my spirit or change who I am inside. However, I am not stupid. I know when it's time to ask for help, and now is that time. I have an amazing opportunity to visit one of the best hospitals in the world, with a chance that they can actually find out what's really wrong with me, and maybe even find a way to get me up and out of this chair again. With that on my mind, I'm willing to do just about anything to make sure that happens. Since I am physically unable to work or generate income right now, I am forced to ask for help. This pains me a great deal, but, I try to remind myself of all the people throughout the years that I have helped, even when I had nothing. Not that I ever did those things with any kind of expectation of anything in return, but I definitely took it into consideration when I created my Go Fund Me page and started feeling bad about needing help.
I've always been stubborn and that kid who said "I can do it myself!" So, it's very difficult for me to not be able to do it myself. I jump at the chance to help others who are in genuine need of help because I know exactly what it feels like to be that person. I've never looked down on them or thought they were bad people for asking, so why should I feel bad for asking for a little help, too? I shouldn't, and I'm trying very hard not to.
Luckily gas prices have gone down considerably and I drive a very economical car, but there are still going to be food and hotel expenses that will go along with the trips to Mayo Clinic, and I have no idea how many trips I will need to make, but considering it's been almost 20 years and dozens of doctors and none have been able to figure out with any certainty what's going on with me; I'm guessing Mayo is going to have a little trouble, too. Each visit to Mayo is going to cost at least between $2-300, and that's if the trip is only for one day and one night. I just don't have that kind of money laying around.
I raised my daughter by myself her whole life, and now she has her own son, and is doing well for herself. I still do whatever I can to help her, and that is why I babysit my grandson for her when she goes to work so she doesn't have to bring him to day care. She can't afford it, for one thing, and I just don't think he should go to strangers when he can come and be with his grandmother who loves him. Plus, he keeps me going and helps me forget about my ills for a while. I would love to be able to continue to take care of him for a long time to come.
So, if anyone can give anything, I can't express enough how grateful I will be for every little bit of help sent my way -- even if it is in the form of sharing my Go Fund Me link on your Facebook or Twitter: http://www.gofundme.com/gramashannon
In return, I promise to keep you all updated with pictures and videos and entries along the way about all the trips and appointments and progress we make. I'm doing whatever I can to keep my head above water and not slip into depression while also keeping a positive outlook that they will be able to help me. Even if they can just help relieve the pain and get my legs to straighten again I will be forever happy. Ultimately, I would love to be able to stand and walk again, and ideally get stronger and be able to walk unassisted again! How amazing that would be after almost 20 years to be able to hold my grandson on my hip and run through the rain puddles with him or take him sledding in the snow or swimming in the lake! I keep that hope alive, and will never give up.
I've always been stubborn and that kid who said "I can do it myself!" So, it's very difficult for me to not be able to do it myself. I jump at the chance to help others who are in genuine need of help because I know exactly what it feels like to be that person. I've never looked down on them or thought they were bad people for asking, so why should I feel bad for asking for a little help, too? I shouldn't, and I'm trying very hard not to.
Luckily gas prices have gone down considerably and I drive a very economical car, but there are still going to be food and hotel expenses that will go along with the trips to Mayo Clinic, and I have no idea how many trips I will need to make, but considering it's been almost 20 years and dozens of doctors and none have been able to figure out with any certainty what's going on with me; I'm guessing Mayo is going to have a little trouble, too. Each visit to Mayo is going to cost at least between $2-300, and that's if the trip is only for one day and one night. I just don't have that kind of money laying around.
I raised my daughter by myself her whole life, and now she has her own son, and is doing well for herself. I still do whatever I can to help her, and that is why I babysit my grandson for her when she goes to work so she doesn't have to bring him to day care. She can't afford it, for one thing, and I just don't think he should go to strangers when he can come and be with his grandmother who loves him. Plus, he keeps me going and helps me forget about my ills for a while. I would love to be able to continue to take care of him for a long time to come.
So, if anyone can give anything, I can't express enough how grateful I will be for every little bit of help sent my way -- even if it is in the form of sharing my Go Fund Me link on your Facebook or Twitter: http://www.gofundme.com/gramashannon
In return, I promise to keep you all updated with pictures and videos and entries along the way about all the trips and appointments and progress we make. I'm doing whatever I can to keep my head above water and not slip into depression while also keeping a positive outlook that they will be able to help me. Even if they can just help relieve the pain and get my legs to straighten again I will be forever happy. Ultimately, I would love to be able to stand and walk again, and ideally get stronger and be able to walk unassisted again! How amazing that would be after almost 20 years to be able to hold my grandson on my hip and run through the rain puddles with him or take him sledding in the snow or swimming in the lake! I keep that hope alive, and will never give up.
Thank you, in advance!
Saturday, February 6, 2016
A "Walk" Down Memory Lane
I found a bunch of pictures from the time before my whole life came crashing down and my body attacked itself. I thought it would be fun to share. These are random snapshots and photos of my dancing days. Birthday parties, hanging out, dancing. I am so glad I have these to look back on and appreciate my long, strong legs and my athletic strong body. I wish I could heal so I could get it back. I know it would never be the same as in these photos, but it would be the best version of me now that I could make it. Maybe Mayo Clinic will help me get there. Until then, enjoy --
Unable Once Again
A lot of you may not know this, but when you have a hysterectomy there are a few different versions to choose from. Mine was a total hysterectomy, which means they took my uterus and cervix, but left my ovaries. At only 37 years old when I had it, had they taken my ovaries, that would have plunged me into menopause, which to say the least would have sucked. However, the odd thing that comes with leaving the ovaries is I still experience all of the hormonal changes a woman goes through monthly since the ovaries are, in fact, what produce a woman's hormones.
So, although I am sans a uterus, I still get PMS. I get the cravings, the mood swings, the bloating and the sore breasts, just no period. I'm grateful for the last part, obviously, and also grateful to not have gone through menopause at only 37, but I do get tired of still dealing with all of the annoying side effects of being a woman without the ability to at least have more children if I choose. Not that I would have any at my age and in my current condition, but it's nice to have the option.
I decided to write this today because I am having one of those days. A day in which I feel fat and bloated but all I want to do is eat. Sick of being cooped up inside, but don't want to leave the house. Enjoying the sun shining, but also kind of wishing the inclement weather that is on its way would get here sooner so I can hole up and be a bum all day without feeling guilty. I need to clean my apartment, so much so that it's driving me crazy each time I look at it, but I have no motivation to do so. And, add to all of that, I didn't get any sleep last night as my legs decided they weren't going to let me. The pain, the spasms, the tightness -- it all makes a recipe for zero sleep. Imagine if both of your inner thighs were in a charlie horse spasm, but also were contracting in real, and very painful spasms over and over again every few seconds non stop all night long no matter what you did, unless you sat up. That's what I am dealing with. So exhausted I can't keep my eyes open, but forced to sit up on the side of the bed until they feel a little better for at least thirty minutes or so, and then I can lay down and pray for sleep for about an hour before the entire process starts all over again. The contracting spasms themselves wouldn't be a huge deal. I've been dealing with those for 18 years, and they always came on worse when I laid down to rest. It's the new symptoms I can't handle. The tightness and lack of motion. My legs won't go straight, and also won't really bend, they are just kind of stuck in one position. I'm quite literally crippled up from the waist down with everything just kind of contracting and contorting whichever way it wants to go, none of which is comfortable. The pain is a burning kind of pain like everything is on fire. That's a hard pain to treat with even the strongest of pain killers.
I miss being able to stand and walk short distances. That was what gave me that added freedom I hadn't had for many, many years. Rather than being stuck in the chair - like I am once again - I had the ability to climb a few steps or walk enough to go where the chair couldn't go. That is once again all gone and I miss that little bit of freedom. My daughter and grandson are moving in to a new apartment today, and I can't go see it or be with them because there are concrete steps out front. I would love nothing more than to be there with them, helping her unpack and get organized. I wish I could enjoy her happiness and her new found freedom, too. She has sent me pictures and is telling me all about it via text, but I'd give anything to be there with her watching the joy on her face as she begins this new chapter of her life.
With limited abilities and illness also comes the loss of communication with people in my life. It's unavoidable no matter how good friends are, or how much they may love you. People don't want to be around someone who is in constant pain. They may feel bad for you, and may say they will do anything for you, but in reality (and I know this from lots of experience) most people will fade away during really tough times. I understand the process, but it doesn't make it any less difficult. It's just another thing that gets lost during tough times like these. I don't have the energy or the ability to do much of anything, anyway, so I guess it's for the best.
So, that brings me back to today. During all of this pain and suffering, the one thing I can embrace is my ability to rest and do as I please and everyone just has to understand, including me. I am physically simply unable to do much else, so I might as well embrace it. Lots of people would love to stay in their jammies all day and do nothing but watch mindless TV and take naps, so I will appreciate the ability to do that. With the loss of other abilities comes new ones.
So, although I am sans a uterus, I still get PMS. I get the cravings, the mood swings, the bloating and the sore breasts, just no period. I'm grateful for the last part, obviously, and also grateful to not have gone through menopause at only 37, but I do get tired of still dealing with all of the annoying side effects of being a woman without the ability to at least have more children if I choose. Not that I would have any at my age and in my current condition, but it's nice to have the option.
I decided to write this today because I am having one of those days. A day in which I feel fat and bloated but all I want to do is eat. Sick of being cooped up inside, but don't want to leave the house. Enjoying the sun shining, but also kind of wishing the inclement weather that is on its way would get here sooner so I can hole up and be a bum all day without feeling guilty. I need to clean my apartment, so much so that it's driving me crazy each time I look at it, but I have no motivation to do so. And, add to all of that, I didn't get any sleep last night as my legs decided they weren't going to let me. The pain, the spasms, the tightness -- it all makes a recipe for zero sleep. Imagine if both of your inner thighs were in a charlie horse spasm, but also were contracting in real, and very painful spasms over and over again every few seconds non stop all night long no matter what you did, unless you sat up. That's what I am dealing with. So exhausted I can't keep my eyes open, but forced to sit up on the side of the bed until they feel a little better for at least thirty minutes or so, and then I can lay down and pray for sleep for about an hour before the entire process starts all over again. The contracting spasms themselves wouldn't be a huge deal. I've been dealing with those for 18 years, and they always came on worse when I laid down to rest. It's the new symptoms I can't handle. The tightness and lack of motion. My legs won't go straight, and also won't really bend, they are just kind of stuck in one position. I'm quite literally crippled up from the waist down with everything just kind of contracting and contorting whichever way it wants to go, none of which is comfortable. The pain is a burning kind of pain like everything is on fire. That's a hard pain to treat with even the strongest of pain killers.
I miss being able to stand and walk short distances. That was what gave me that added freedom I hadn't had for many, many years. Rather than being stuck in the chair - like I am once again - I had the ability to climb a few steps or walk enough to go where the chair couldn't go. That is once again all gone and I miss that little bit of freedom. My daughter and grandson are moving in to a new apartment today, and I can't go see it or be with them because there are concrete steps out front. I would love nothing more than to be there with them, helping her unpack and get organized. I wish I could enjoy her happiness and her new found freedom, too. She has sent me pictures and is telling me all about it via text, but I'd give anything to be there with her watching the joy on her face as she begins this new chapter of her life.
With limited abilities and illness also comes the loss of communication with people in my life. It's unavoidable no matter how good friends are, or how much they may love you. People don't want to be around someone who is in constant pain. They may feel bad for you, and may say they will do anything for you, but in reality (and I know this from lots of experience) most people will fade away during really tough times. I understand the process, but it doesn't make it any less difficult. It's just another thing that gets lost during tough times like these. I don't have the energy or the ability to do much of anything, anyway, so I guess it's for the best.
So, that brings me back to today. During all of this pain and suffering, the one thing I can embrace is my ability to rest and do as I please and everyone just has to understand, including me. I am physically simply unable to do much else, so I might as well embrace it. Lots of people would love to stay in their jammies all day and do nothing but watch mindless TV and take naps, so I will appreciate the ability to do that. With the loss of other abilities comes new ones.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Making A Murderer: Who's The Real Killer
One side effect of my latest health issues is I watch way too much TV. When it's difficult to move around, and the last thing you want to do is feel more pain, and moving around means feeling pain, it leaves you with limited options. I do love to crochet, but I even get sick of doing that after a while, so I turn to finding things on Netflix.
I had been seeing the ads for this show on my Facebook feed for a long time, so I decided to finally give Making A Murderer a try. By the second episode, I was completely hooked. I binge watched the entire season in one night, and woke up today and watched a few of the last episodes again to fully absorb what I thought I had watched the night before.
I am mortified. I have officially added Wisconsin to my list of states I will never reside. Corruption is everywhere, but the level of corruption I witnessed in this series is just plain gross -- for lack of a more sophisticated term. I'm disgusted. As I sat watching and shaking my head, I decided to start making some notes of thoughts I was having. I have so many unanswered questions, I just don't even know where to begin.
Is anyone trying to find the real killer? And if not, WHY isn't anyone trying to find the real killer? I am absolutely not convinced that Steven Avery is the real killer, so this leaves me wondering who really committed this crime. Is anyone, from anywhere, digging deeper and trying in any way to figure out how this all really happened?
Why isn't more being done about the mistakes that were made, and the misbehavior of law enforcement during the search? What about the misbehavior of Brendan Dassey's first appointed lawyer and his complete lack of concern for his client? Why isn't more being done all across the board about the gross negligence that was obvious to a lay person such as myself? Why isn't more being done about the abuse of power of the detectives who interrogated Brendan Dassey, and the way they quite obviously coerced him into saying the things he said? How can one word answers legally be considered a full confession? Why didn't the jury take more into consideration the fact that Brendan Dassey never actually said she was shot in the head? That information was fed to him by the detectives during the interrogation, so it's not as if he knew that information and gave it to them. Why wasn't the fact that Steven Avery's fingerprints were nowhere to be found in or on the Toyota RAV 4 OR the key made more of an issue? How does someone get blood in a vehicle, without also getting their finger prints on/in the vehicle? How does a key that's been used by the owner of the vehicle not have one piece of her DNA, but has DNA from the supposed killer? Why weren't all of these issues made into a bigger deal during the trial? What about the fact that there was never any of the victim's blood found inside his trailer or anywhere else on the property besides inside her own SUV? I don't have personal experience in this matter, but I've watched enough documentaries to know that if you slit someone's throat, as Steven Avery supposedly did, and then stab them, there's going to be a ton of blood going everywhere. They didn't find a single drop? How is that even possible unless it never actually happened?
I'm completely shocked at the thought that we can go in front of 12 of our peers and they will take the word of police and lawyers so strongly to heart that they will believe anything they say, and not once take a deeper look into the interrogation techniques used against Brendan Dassey, or cause a bigger stink about Manitowoc county sheriff's department being involved in the search when it was stated in a press conference that they would not be involved. On top of all of that, why wasn't a deeper look taken at all of the other above mentioned issues? How can you slit someone's throat and stab them and not have even one tiny drop of blood found at the scene, anywhere? How is that possible? Why didn't the jury take that into more of a consideration? How can seven people initially vote not-guilty, and then end up deciding he's guilty? Seven! Why is an innocent man serving a life sentence for something he didn't do, and a killer is still out there? Just, why?
I've been interrogated by police before when I was just 21 years old, and even then I was petrified of them. They got into my head and had me confused and wondering what the truth really was, and I consider myself to be fairly intelligent, and I was 21, not 16 years old like Brendan Dassey. This poor kid was railroaded by a bunch of bullies in higher power who knew they could break him down and mold a story that would get a conviction for Steven Avery. He was collateral damage for the big win, and now he's in prison doing time because he was a confused young man who thought if he said whatever they wanted to hear that they would protect him and let him go home. That's disgusting.
Another side effect of my illness and all I've been through is I have kind of an uncanny ability to read people very well. I can pretty much tell when someone is lying or when someone is being genuine, and I can say without a doubt in my mind that both Brendan Dassey and Steven Avery are both genuine people, and so is the rest of that family. They don't try to hide who they are or be something better or different. They're real, hard-working people who just wanted their little slice of life and to be left alone to live that life. The officials in this case, on the other hand, are not genuine people, and I saw so much deception and dishonesty throughout -- from their depositions for the lawsuit, to their testimonies on the stand at the trials -- that it made me physically sick to watch. I have a pit in my stomach that people in those positions of authority can get away with lying under oath and nothing is done about it. Nobody is taking a harder look at those deceptions. None of them are being punished for being dishonest and perjuring themselves in a court of law. So, I guess the law only applies to us lowly citizens? We are the only ones who are forced to abide by laws and moral obligations to our families and our communities? What kind of double standard is that?
Now I fully understand that I don't really know the entire case, I only know what I saw on the show Making A Murderer, but I do know that just by what I've seen on the show as far as the deception I can clearly see, and things that appear to not have been addressed more fully, there should be more done about these cases, and cases in the future. We need to be protected. Life is already unfair enough without the threat that someone can accuse you of something, plant evidence, make it look like you did it, and you can go to prison for the rest of your life because 12 people believed it being added to the mix.
I wish there was more that I could do. I feel like going on my own personal crusade to help these two men, and if I had the resources and the physical ability to do so, I would. I would start with trying to find out who's the real killer. Who actually took Teresa Halbach's life?
I had been seeing the ads for this show on my Facebook feed for a long time, so I decided to finally give Making A Murderer a try. By the second episode, I was completely hooked. I binge watched the entire season in one night, and woke up today and watched a few of the last episodes again to fully absorb what I thought I had watched the night before.
I am mortified. I have officially added Wisconsin to my list of states I will never reside. Corruption is everywhere, but the level of corruption I witnessed in this series is just plain gross -- for lack of a more sophisticated term. I'm disgusted. As I sat watching and shaking my head, I decided to start making some notes of thoughts I was having. I have so many unanswered questions, I just don't even know where to begin.
Is anyone trying to find the real killer? And if not, WHY isn't anyone trying to find the real killer? I am absolutely not convinced that Steven Avery is the real killer, so this leaves me wondering who really committed this crime. Is anyone, from anywhere, digging deeper and trying in any way to figure out how this all really happened?
Why isn't more being done about the mistakes that were made, and the misbehavior of law enforcement during the search? What about the misbehavior of Brendan Dassey's first appointed lawyer and his complete lack of concern for his client? Why isn't more being done all across the board about the gross negligence that was obvious to a lay person such as myself? Why isn't more being done about the abuse of power of the detectives who interrogated Brendan Dassey, and the way they quite obviously coerced him into saying the things he said? How can one word answers legally be considered a full confession? Why didn't the jury take more into consideration the fact that Brendan Dassey never actually said she was shot in the head? That information was fed to him by the detectives during the interrogation, so it's not as if he knew that information and gave it to them. Why wasn't the fact that Steven Avery's fingerprints were nowhere to be found in or on the Toyota RAV 4 OR the key made more of an issue? How does someone get blood in a vehicle, without also getting their finger prints on/in the vehicle? How does a key that's been used by the owner of the vehicle not have one piece of her DNA, but has DNA from the supposed killer? Why weren't all of these issues made into a bigger deal during the trial? What about the fact that there was never any of the victim's blood found inside his trailer or anywhere else on the property besides inside her own SUV? I don't have personal experience in this matter, but I've watched enough documentaries to know that if you slit someone's throat, as Steven Avery supposedly did, and then stab them, there's going to be a ton of blood going everywhere. They didn't find a single drop? How is that even possible unless it never actually happened?
I'm completely shocked at the thought that we can go in front of 12 of our peers and they will take the word of police and lawyers so strongly to heart that they will believe anything they say, and not once take a deeper look into the interrogation techniques used against Brendan Dassey, or cause a bigger stink about Manitowoc county sheriff's department being involved in the search when it was stated in a press conference that they would not be involved. On top of all of that, why wasn't a deeper look taken at all of the other above mentioned issues? How can you slit someone's throat and stab them and not have even one tiny drop of blood found at the scene, anywhere? How is that possible? Why didn't the jury take that into more of a consideration? How can seven people initially vote not-guilty, and then end up deciding he's guilty? Seven! Why is an innocent man serving a life sentence for something he didn't do, and a killer is still out there? Just, why?
I've been interrogated by police before when I was just 21 years old, and even then I was petrified of them. They got into my head and had me confused and wondering what the truth really was, and I consider myself to be fairly intelligent, and I was 21, not 16 years old like Brendan Dassey. This poor kid was railroaded by a bunch of bullies in higher power who knew they could break him down and mold a story that would get a conviction for Steven Avery. He was collateral damage for the big win, and now he's in prison doing time because he was a confused young man who thought if he said whatever they wanted to hear that they would protect him and let him go home. That's disgusting.
Another side effect of my illness and all I've been through is I have kind of an uncanny ability to read people very well. I can pretty much tell when someone is lying or when someone is being genuine, and I can say without a doubt in my mind that both Brendan Dassey and Steven Avery are both genuine people, and so is the rest of that family. They don't try to hide who they are or be something better or different. They're real, hard-working people who just wanted their little slice of life and to be left alone to live that life. The officials in this case, on the other hand, are not genuine people, and I saw so much deception and dishonesty throughout -- from their depositions for the lawsuit, to their testimonies on the stand at the trials -- that it made me physically sick to watch. I have a pit in my stomach that people in those positions of authority can get away with lying under oath and nothing is done about it. Nobody is taking a harder look at those deceptions. None of them are being punished for being dishonest and perjuring themselves in a court of law. So, I guess the law only applies to us lowly citizens? We are the only ones who are forced to abide by laws and moral obligations to our families and our communities? What kind of double standard is that?
Now I fully understand that I don't really know the entire case, I only know what I saw on the show Making A Murderer, but I do know that just by what I've seen on the show as far as the deception I can clearly see, and things that appear to not have been addressed more fully, there should be more done about these cases, and cases in the future. We need to be protected. Life is already unfair enough without the threat that someone can accuse you of something, plant evidence, make it look like you did it, and you can go to prison for the rest of your life because 12 people believed it being added to the mix.
I wish there was more that I could do. I feel like going on my own personal crusade to help these two men, and if I had the resources and the physical ability to do so, I would. I would start with trying to find out who's the real killer. Who actually took Teresa Halbach's life?
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
I'm Just Walkin' - A Friend's Blog
Some time ago (so long I can't quite remember exactly), Matt embarked on a journey across the USA on foot! That's right, on foot! I followed his journey and made comments along the way, and in doing so formed a sort of distant kinship with him. We sometimes contact one another just to check in, in fact there is a post on my blog about the last time we talked that you can read here.
Ironically, today I decided to head over to his blog to check on him and see how his next journey was coming along, and his last post was today after not posting for quite a while! It's quite the coincidence!
Anyway, I wanted to share his blog with you, which you can check out here, and I think it would be in your best interest to check out his latest map of the progress he's made. He has logged over 7,000 miles in NYC walking every street in every block in every borough! It's really a fantastic story, and he's an amazing person from what I know of him so far.
I hope to maybe meet Matt someday, but until then I will keep checking back to see how he's progressing.
Ironically, today I decided to head over to his blog to check on him and see how his next journey was coming along, and his last post was today after not posting for quite a while! It's quite the coincidence!
Anyway, I wanted to share his blog with you, which you can check out here, and I think it would be in your best interest to check out his latest map of the progress he's made. He has logged over 7,000 miles in NYC walking every street in every block in every borough! It's really a fantastic story, and he's an amazing person from what I know of him so far.
I hope to maybe meet Matt someday, but until then I will keep checking back to see how he's progressing.
Guillain-Barre: My Story Continued...
I am currently working on the next section to my story of when I first became ill. I am going through old photos to find the very few that I have of me during my time in the hospital, or just after. I promise to tell the entire story, to the best of my recollection, up to what is happening today.
Smiling For Grandma
I look forward to the days I get to take care of my beautiful grandson. He keeps me going during this difficult and painful time.
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