Back To It

I've decided to get back to my blog.  It's been a very long time since I've posted anything worthwhile, but I had good reason.  I think.

I spent the last 5 years or so grieving yet another loss.  I moved from Florida back to my hometown in Minnesota, and in the process went through a ton of trials and tribulations -- to put it mildly.  I had no money, no car, a shitty basement apartment.  But, I had a roof over my head and food to eat (barely).  I've spent these years working my hardest to get back on my feet, and so far, so good.  I am slowly getting back on my feet figuratively as well as literally, although I've suffered a few setbacks to the literal aspect.

Thanks to a person I will no longer refer to as having any relation to me, I have a nice car.  I live in a great apartment on the top floor in downtown.  It's fully handicapped accessible all the way through to the bedroom closet, and the rent is cheap.  And, I've been back to work and doing well.  The biggest drawback I've had recently has been my health, once again.  I am dealing with tons of pain, tightness, and loss of range of motion and flexibility.

Although, I do believe it's because my legs are coming back.  After nearly 18 years, I truly believe something has healed and I am fortunate enough to be gaining full use of my legs again.  After 18 years, anything that comes back to life is going to be mad and not feel very good.  I see the doubt on my doctor's faces when I mention that idea, but I don't care what they think or what they think they know.  People in comas have come out of their coma after 20 years by some "miracle", so why can't my legs do the same?  They can.

The tightness I've been feeling, at first, I thought was spasticity, but now I am convinced it's tone returning.  They are extremely sensitive to touch and jump and spasm when touched, and that just makes me think well "duhhhh!"  I can feel more than I could before and those nerves that were dormant for 18 years are now alive and awake.  I'd jump and flinch if I hadn't moved in 18 years, too!

I am reminded every day of my favorite doctor, Dr. James Burnett, and how after asking me how I was doing and I would say "my back hurts, but other than that I'm good", he would say "well, at least you can feel it!"  That's exactly what I say to myself every time the pain in my legs gets so bad I don't think I can handle it.  I just shut my eyes and remember him and say "at least you can feel it".

This all started in my hips at the beginning of this year, and has since progressed down to my thighs and knees.  This tells me it's moving down, which is what it should do if there is a nerve that is healing.  This is great news.  I am interested to see where I will be in another couple of months!  I'm very scared, but I'm very, very, very hopeful and happy that my gut keeps telling me I'm getting my legs back.  I always listen to my gut, it's never wrong.