Sometimes it's hard to be sunny and cheery, especially when outside forces insist on ruining what was starting off as a perfectly good day.
People suck.
I spend my days working hard at being positive and doing the right thing. I don't ask anyone for anything. So why then do people still insist on making my life a living hell just because they can? I'll never learn the answer to that question as long as I live.
I spent a large portion of my life being controlled like a puppet on a string, and it seems those puppeteers just keep trying to reattach those strings. I am much stronger than that, so it will never happen again, but it's still a frustration. Why bother? Just leave me alone. I'm doing just fine right where I am, doing what I'm doing.
Go away.
When did I give the impression I am unable to take care of myself or that I am too stupid to figure things out on my own? When in my life did I let on that I am unable to be my own person and make my own decisions? The keyword being my decisions. Mine in that they are mine, I own them, I make them for a reason, and those reasons, although really none of anyone's business but my own, are good reasons. Every decision I make is well thought out, made by me and only me, and not influenced by anyone, finally. Decisions that will make my life better in some way, and ones that will have a positive impact on my future. So tell me again why you can't just leave me be?
Control.
What makes one person so obsessed with controlling another? When there are no blood ties, no rings on fingers, and no financial or substantial connections, why is it so necessary to care so deeply what the other person does with his/her life? I truly believe it is an issue of control and the lack of it. Where there once was a dynamic in which one person had almost total control over another, and now doesn't, I believe that creates a void in the controller (puppeteer) which they feel needs to be filled once again.
Not. Going. To. Happen.
And I'm not sorry.
This time in my life is a crucial one. I am on the path to walking again. Everything I do revolves around my recovery. In the past, I allowed myself to be weak and vulnerable, and I gave in to natural urges that ultimately got me nowhere. I self-medicated. I gave in to giving up. I failed.
I will never fail again.
To me failure does not lie in not reaching a goal; it's in not trying. You can't do anything if you don't try, and when you try, and I mean really give it your all, that's success.
This is my freedom we are talking about. My independence. A normal way of life.
Perhaps that is the issue. My independence is a threat to those who want me kept down. I get it now.
Too effing bad.
What I do with my life, is my life, get over it.
Some people find it necessary to make other people's lives their business and all about them. I find it necessary to make my life my business and all about me.
I am stubborn and strong and have been given the opportunity to really work hard at getting my legs back. Nothing and nobody will stand in the way of that ever again.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Monday, September 21, 2009
Disability and Dating
One of the biggest issues I have had over the years of being in a wheelchair is dating. Just as nobody would knowingly buy a broken car, it seems like nobody wants to date someone who is broken either.
I have had relationships, don't get me wrong, but they just went nowhere. My most notable recent relationship was with a man with a really good heart, and despite his faults he loved me for ME, never really saw the chair, he just had a big problem with his mouth. I don't know if it was his own disability or what, but the man could not keep his mouth shut. I'm not talking about just normal every day talking, because he certainly did a LOT of that, but I mean he had no filter, no gate, no reasoning... no... class. He would say whatever he wanted to say, when he wanted to say it, and had no regard for who was around him, in fact having an audience fueled him to say inappropriate things, it seemed. A sort of "shock and awe" kind of person.
I stayed with him a lot longer than I should have, simply because I felt like who was I to judge. I am not perfect, and never claimed to be, that's obvious, but I at least try to have some class and respect for others. It's just common courtesy. But, I figured he was with me and never made an issue of my disability (except for the time he told me during my move from my house to his that if I couldn't personally carry something I shouldn't own it - just a shining example of that mouth!), so why should I fault him for his. After all, he was a hard worker, could be so gentle and kind it would bring a tear to my eye, he loved my daughter and treated her good and with respect, and he really did love me. His biggest problem was that MOUTH!
Finally, I had to let him go. His outbursts and inane ramblings became too much for me to handle. It's one thing to have a mouth like that around me, I choose to be with you, but when it starts to spill over to happening in front of my daughter, or around my family, then it's time to cut you loose.
So, I've been single again for a long time. It doesn't help that I work from home and live in the country, 15 miles from a very small town. My social life consists of trips to the grocery store and Lowe's. I meet people along the way of course, but they pass me by with a nod and that "what a shame" look I've gotten so used to seeing.
Nowadays, I have begun to walk more, but I am still insecure, so I only walk in the privacy of my own home. I walk funny, have a really hard time doing it, have to concentrate, and feel like the whole world is staring. Plus, I walk really, really slow and with a walker. It pains me to even have to go outside and walk from my house to the garage, which is about 80 steps, because my neighbors see me and I get nervous and embarrassed. Now I am concerned about what happens when I get even stronger and need to just walk all the time and ditch the chair. I'm still going to need a walker or crutches, and I'm still going to walk funny for a while. Will I be able to overcome my insecurities and fears? If I have been dealing with stares and pitied looks for this long, imagine what kind of looks I will get when I am up and walking but struggling to do so. I'm like a circus freak, and nobody wants to date a circus freak.
I have had relationships, don't get me wrong, but they just went nowhere. My most notable recent relationship was with a man with a really good heart, and despite his faults he loved me for ME, never really saw the chair, he just had a big problem with his mouth. I don't know if it was his own disability or what, but the man could not keep his mouth shut. I'm not talking about just normal every day talking, because he certainly did a LOT of that, but I mean he had no filter, no gate, no reasoning... no... class. He would say whatever he wanted to say, when he wanted to say it, and had no regard for who was around him, in fact having an audience fueled him to say inappropriate things, it seemed. A sort of "shock and awe" kind of person.
I stayed with him a lot longer than I should have, simply because I felt like who was I to judge. I am not perfect, and never claimed to be, that's obvious, but I at least try to have some class and respect for others. It's just common courtesy. But, I figured he was with me and never made an issue of my disability (except for the time he told me during my move from my house to his that if I couldn't personally carry something I shouldn't own it - just a shining example of that mouth!), so why should I fault him for his. After all, he was a hard worker, could be so gentle and kind it would bring a tear to my eye, he loved my daughter and treated her good and with respect, and he really did love me. His biggest problem was that MOUTH!
Finally, I had to let him go. His outbursts and inane ramblings became too much for me to handle. It's one thing to have a mouth like that around me, I choose to be with you, but when it starts to spill over to happening in front of my daughter, or around my family, then it's time to cut you loose.
So, I've been single again for a long time. It doesn't help that I work from home and live in the country, 15 miles from a very small town. My social life consists of trips to the grocery store and Lowe's. I meet people along the way of course, but they pass me by with a nod and that "what a shame" look I've gotten so used to seeing.
Nowadays, I have begun to walk more, but I am still insecure, so I only walk in the privacy of my own home. I walk funny, have a really hard time doing it, have to concentrate, and feel like the whole world is staring. Plus, I walk really, really slow and with a walker. It pains me to even have to go outside and walk from my house to the garage, which is about 80 steps, because my neighbors see me and I get nervous and embarrassed. Now I am concerned about what happens when I get even stronger and need to just walk all the time and ditch the chair. I'm still going to need a walker or crutches, and I'm still going to walk funny for a while. Will I be able to overcome my insecurities and fears? If I have been dealing with stares and pitied looks for this long, imagine what kind of looks I will get when I am up and walking but struggling to do so. I'm like a circus freak, and nobody wants to date a circus freak.
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