Traveling Alone With Disabilities

Traveling alone for some can be a daunting thought, but traveling alone when you are disabled takes on a whole new meaning of scary. There is so much unknown. Will there be accessibility? Will people be willing to help me? What if I go somewhere and I can't get around? These are just a few of the questions that run through a disabled individuals mind when thinking about going anywhere, let alone traveling to somewhere they've never been.

I can answer these questions fairly simply. Being disabled myself, and requiring the use of a wheelchair, I am familiar with traveling and venturing into the unknown. It is definitely scary at times, but I've learned to overcome that fear by remembering a few key things. First, no matter where you go, you got there somehow, so if things aren't accessible simply turn around and go back the way you came. This isn't exactly a solution to seeing the thing you may have wanted to see, or doing the thing you may have wanted to do, but it's just a way of overcoming the fear of even trying. You can always just turn around and go back the way you came. No harm, no foul.

Second, sometimes people are TOO willing to help; in other words, I've had numerous people ask me if I need help even when I'm quite obviously fine. I've also had people actually physically try to force me through something I didn't fit through (don't do this BTW), and more often than not people will ask me if I need a hand reaching something on a shelf just because I looked up! Generally people are good and decent and if you are in need of assistance you will more than likely find it without much effort. If you can't find help from a stranger, you should be able to find someone who works for whatever establishment you're visiting who will more than likely be happy to help you in whatever way possible.

My third question I suppose is very similar to the first; "what if I go somewhere and I can't get around?" Well, that's the same answer as the answer to "will there be accessibility?" Anywhere you go, you arrived there somehow, so if you can't get around simply turn around and go back the way you came, or find another area to visit that is accessible.

Obviously, before going anywhere, it's a great idea to do your research. Most places, whether they are large tourist attractions or not, will have at least general information available. Calling ahead and simply asking is a viable option as well, but remember that able bodied people don't always realize what the true meaning is of "accessible". I've gone a few places that claimed to be wheelchair accessible, but in fact were not. I can't even count the number of botched ramps, hidden door buttons, etc that I've encountered.

Accessibility has come a long way in the last 20 years, and it will only improve with time. Newer establishments are more likely to be fully accessible, another thing to keep in mind when traveling. Going to older historic places can be a big challenge unless they've been retro-fitted with wider doorways and ramps.

It took me many, many years to overcome my fears of going anywhere alone. I guess you could say I had a bit of a phobia of it. I learned to overcome my fears and have been traveling alone for a while now. It's not as difficult as it might seem, and there are lots of ways to stay safe and still have a great time! I will touch on the safety issues in another post. Just remember to do your research. Call ahead and express you needs if you must. Plan accordingly. Life's too short to let anything hold you back from doing the things you love!

Original Post: 7-21-10 (Day 201 - New Spasms, New Pains)

Another post I found in my archives that I wanted to re-share.  2010 was the year I began trying very hard to get my legs stronger and began using my walker and pushing myself to walk more and more every day.  I documented my step count each day in my blog, and also updated with posts like the one below telling of new changes I was feeling.  Funny that I am still having the pain and spasms in the hips, but it's so much worse and I'm unable to stand or walk.  Back then, although I was having the contracting spasms, once they were over my legs would just go back to being limp and numb.  Now, I still get the very painful contracting spasms, but my legs no longer return to being limp and numb.  It's as if they are in a permanent contraction of some kind, and they are sensitive to touch which they never were before.

I'm trying to piece all of this together in my mind, and put it all down in my blog as well so that I have a record.  My memory isn't the greatest because of all the medications I have to take, and I want this all available to show to Mayo.

I do remember how great it felt to be up and moving around again, though, and I miss that so much! It's a struggle every single day not to fall into a pit of depression because of this again.



(originally posted July 21, 2010):

"All of this walking is certainly doing something.  I can tell by the new, and quite powerful spasms, and the new pains.  My left leg can spasm so strong and painful that it feels as if my leg will rip right off my body at the hip.  This has caused a new constant pain to form in that very same hip.  My legs in general are hurting more than ever, but in a good way.  It feels like they are sore.  The kind of sore you feel after a really long bike ride, or a muscle-ripping workout at the gym.  In other words:  it's all good!

For a while I still had some doubts as to whether or not I really would see any significant progress in my strength and ability, but those doubts are starting to fade.  The more new pain I feel, the more I realize walking is that much closer to a reality.  Standing up from a seated position has gotten easier, my endurance has increased, I can stand for longer periods, and walking is becoming second nature once again.  I catch myself reaching for my walker even when I've decided to rest and use the chair.  That development is the best yet.  I not only have to change my way of getting around, but my way of thinking as well.

I am getting really excited for my trip in six days.  I'm still a little bit nervous, but I'm more excited and looking forward to it than ever.  I know it will be hard work, and I don't care.  I'm so happy I am able to do something that just six months ago was just a dream."

Unable Once Again

A lot of you may not know this, but when you have a hysterectomy there are a few different versions to choose from.  Mine was a total hysterectomy, which means they took my uterus and cervix, but left my ovaries.  At only 37 years old when I had it, had they taken my ovaries, that would have plunged me into menopause, which to say the least would have sucked.  However, the odd thing that comes with leaving the ovaries is I still experience all of the hormonal changes a woman goes through monthly since the ovaries are, in fact, what produce a woman's hormones.

So, although I am sans a uterus, I still get PMS.  I get the cravings, the mood swings, the bloating and the sore breasts, just no period.  I'm grateful for the last part, obviously, and also grateful to not have gone through menopause at only 37, but I do get tired of still dealing with all of the annoying side effects of being a woman without the ability to at least have more children if I choose.  Not that I would have any at my age and in my current condition, but it's nice to have the option.

I decided to write this today because I am having one of those days.  A day in which I feel fat and bloated but all I want to do is eat.  Sick of being cooped up inside, but don't want to leave the house. Enjoying the sun shining, but also kind of wishing the inclement weather that is on its way would get here sooner so I can hole up and be a bum all day without feeling guilty.  I need to clean my apartment, so much so that it's driving me crazy each time I look at it, but I have no motivation to do so.  And, add to all of that, I didn't get any sleep last night as my legs decided they weren't going to let me.  The pain, the spasms, the tightness -- it all makes a recipe for zero sleep.  Imagine if both of your inner thighs were in a charlie horse spasm, but also were contracting in real, and very painful spasms over and over again every few seconds non stop all night long no matter what you did, unless you sat up. That's what I am dealing with.  So exhausted I can't keep my eyes open, but forced to sit up on the side of the bed until they feel a little better for at least thirty minutes or so, and then I can lay down and pray for sleep for about an hour before the entire process starts all over again.  The contracting spasms themselves wouldn't be a huge deal.  I've been dealing with those for 18 years, and they always came on worse when I laid down to rest.  It's the new symptoms I can't handle.  The tightness and lack of motion.  My legs won't go straight, and also won't really bend, they are just kind of stuck in one position.  I'm quite literally crippled up from the waist down with everything just kind of contracting and contorting whichever way it wants to go, none of which is comfortable.  The pain is a burning kind of pain like everything is on fire.  That's a hard pain to treat with even the strongest of pain killers.

I miss being able to stand and walk short distances.  That was what gave me that added freedom I hadn't had for many, many years.  Rather than being stuck in the chair - like I am once again - I had the ability to climb a few steps or walk enough to go where the chair couldn't go.  That is once again all gone and I miss that little bit of freedom.  My daughter and grandson are moving in to a new apartment today, and I can't go see it or be with them because there are concrete steps out front.  I would love nothing more than to be there with them, helping her unpack and get organized.  I wish I could enjoy her happiness and her new found freedom, too.  She has sent me pictures and is telling me all about it via text, but I'd give anything to be there with her watching the joy on her face as she begins this new chapter of her life.

With limited abilities and illness also comes the loss of communication with people in my life.  It's unavoidable no matter how good friends are, or how much they may love you.  People don't want to be around someone who is in constant pain.  They may feel bad for you, and may say they will do anything for you, but in reality (and I know this from lots of experience) most people will fade away during really tough times.  I understand the process, but it doesn't make it any less difficult.  It's just another thing that gets lost during tough times like these.  I don't have the energy or the ability to do much of anything, anyway, so I guess it's for the best.

So, that brings me back to today.  During all of this pain and suffering, the one thing I can embrace is my ability to rest and do as I please and everyone just has to understand, including me.  I am physically simply unable to do much else, so I might as well embrace it.  Lots of people would love to stay in their jammies all day and do nothing but watch mindless TV and take naps, so I will appreciate the ability to do that.  With the loss of other abilities comes new ones.

Happy Birthday, Me!

Yup, the big day is here.  I'm 38... woo hoo!  Yes, I am excited to be 38.  I'm excited to be alive.  Excited to not have cancer.  No, I'm absolutely ELATED to not have cancer!

Not doing much today, just going to relax and continue to enjoy life.  Maybe I'll get really ambitious and do some cleaning.  Woo hoo, big crazy plans.  :)

Thanks once again to all that have emailed to wish me well.  Each and every email I get brings me such joy and comfort... so, thank you!

Never Give Up

Health Update August 14

Hello all,

Here is the latest update on the giant tumor in my belly:

I have had a battery of tests, including a biopsy of my uterus, all of which have come back normal!  Thank God, <taking a moment to actually thank Him>.  It is not cancer, and that makes me grateful beyond grateful.  I can handle anything with a smile on my face knowing I'm not battling the dreaded 'C' word.

Surgery to have a full hysterectomy and remove the tumor/tumors and my uterus was scheduled for this coming Monday, August 19th, but upon further testing, that has been postponed because my thyroid levels are dangerously low, and with good reason, my doctor will not perform the surgery until that is under control.  So, a tiny little pill every day to sort that out is all I have to do, and once I'm back to "normal" we will reschedule the surgery.

I am very excited to have this surgery.  I have wanted my uterus gone for many years.  These fibroid tumors run in my family, and I have known I have at least two for some time now, so I figured one day it would be a good idea to just have it taken out.  That day has come. 

It's nice to fully understand why I've been feeling so awful these past couple of years.  The weakness is explained by the tumor and my severe hypothyroidism.  Actually, all of my recent symptoms are explained away by both of these issues, and it's really great knowing that will be fixed.  My doctor is also referring me to a neurologist after my surgery to take a look at my condition and see if there is any way we can fix that too :)))

All in all, this is a good development in my life.  I have a lot to do, and will have some recovery time after the surgery, but that's a walk in the park compared to what it could have been.  I wake every morning with a smile on my face and thank God for sparing me.  I'm not done being a mommy to my beautiful daughter yet, and I want to see my grand babies and do a lot more in this life -- whether I can walk normal or not.

Thank you to all of you who have already sent me well wishes!  I appreciate it so much, and it's so nice to know there are so many wonderfully caring people in this world!

Never Give Up

Long Time Gone

Wow, I realized today that I haven't posted anything worthwhile in a very long time, yet again.  I don't know why I keep failing so miserably, but I would like to apologize again.  Life just seems to go by so quickly anymore.

I'm not sure how I'm doing, exactly.  I feel like I'm at such a stale-mate.  I am having a really hard time getting motivated lately, and I don't know if it's because of a little bit of depression, or maybe health issues, or both.  Whatever it is, I want it to stop, and I want to feel good and have energy and want to do things again.

I had an idea today for something that might work at getting me moving around more.  I've been addicted to Pinterest lately, and I have a board called "Food" that has upwards of 300 recipes on it so far.  I was thinking I would start with at least 1 recipe a week; make the dish, take a picture of it, post it here with my awesome wordiness attached, and then move it to a new board called "Finished", or something along those lines.  I think it might be a good way to get me out of the house to get the ingredients, then of course moving around the kitchen to create whatever fabulous dish is up for that week, and maybe even some more exercise if I decide to share it and bring it to friends so I don't end up 300 pounds by the end of it all.  And if I really got motivated I could do more than 1 a week, maybe even 3!  I don't know.  It's an idea.

What I do know is something needs to change for me, and I'm the only one who can make the changes.  So, I better get my ass in gear and figure out what I'm going to do.  I'm starting to get a little moldy like my apartment.

Day 196

I spent some time reflecting yesterday.  I was waist deep in a renovation project and had plenty of time to think.  I decided yesterday would be a good day to finish the new floor in my pantry, remove all the old shelves to make room for the new, and paint the walls.  While sitting on the floor measuring and fitting tiles, I started to think about the progression my body has taken during my journey to walking on my own power.  It's definitely not quite as simple as just getting some long-dormant muscles stronger.  There is much more to it than that, and when I stop think about it, I am in awe at how amazing, and possible things are in relation to the human body and its recovery.

The years I spent sitting in a wheelchair, I didn't often use my legs for much.  I had become so used to them being weak and unusable that I adapted to using my arms for everything.  They basically did nothing more than get in my way.  What a person doesn't realize is when this happens, it's not just the muscles that become dormant, but it's your brain, and the signals your brain sends, that suffer as well.  It's like a blind person whose other senses are refined;  the brain disconnects from whatever part of the body is not being used so that it may focus its energies on the parts of the body that need it most. 

Thinking about this process reminds me of my days in ICU when I was connected to a ventilator.  My diaphragm was paralyzed and I was unable to breathe on my own.  I was on a ventilator for a total of 34 days, and in that short period of time, my brain forgot how to breathe.  When I regained the use of that muscle, I had to consciously think to myself "OK, breathe" in order to take every single breath.  Imagine that for a minute.  On average, a healthy adult at rest will take 12 breaths per minute.  So twelve times per minute, I had to tell myself to breathe.  At night I had to be reconnected to the ventilator.  It only took a few days before the involuntary response kicked back in and I no longer had to think about it, but those few days really taught me the meaning of "learning how to breathe all over again".

The same is true for every other part of my body that was affected by this illness.  To this day, I have to consciously think about lifting up my foot when I walk.  My right leg can pretty much do it on its own, but my left still drags if I don't say in my head "OK, pick up your foot".  It's like disconnecting your car radio:  it's not going to work unless you reconnect those wires.  I have to think about almost everything I do until it becomes involuntary once again.  My brain has to reconnect the wires.  I always used to think that if I could move it and feel it, I should be using it.  Shame on me for not, but now I am learning how to walk all over again.

It really puts into perspective the length of time it takes to recover from any injury, and especially one that completely shut my entire body down.  I can remember when trying to lift a 1-pound dumbbell seemed like the hardest thing I ever had to do, now my arms are so strong grown men have arm-wrestled me -- and lost.

It renews my hope that one day I will be looking back and saying "I remember when I could barely walk 300 steps" as I'm running down the beach, and it reaffirms the mantra I play over and over in my head --  Never Give Up!



Step count today:  936

Steps I'm behind:  5,596

Day 166

So, I've been gone again for a few days.  I received some terrible news recently that my best friend passed away, and I needed to deal with that.  I'm not sure how to deal with it, really.  At first I was all over the place with my emotions, bordering on a panic attack many times, until I found out it was what she wanted, then I think I found my peace.

Susan battled with cancer for a very long time.  She was a strong fighting champion, and if you just met her, you would never know what she was really going through.  She always had a bright, sunny smile and nice things to say.  Her death came so suddenly, I assumed the cancer had finally taken over and she had lost her battle, but in reality, she won.  She decided it was time, and she didn't want to suffer anymore.  She took her life into her own hands like she always had and made the decision to let nature take its course.  I always admired her for her courage and willingness to do what needed to be done.  I know that she just knew this was going to continue to be a very long, hard battle, and the only way she would come out a winner was to decide when and how she finally let go.  That takes enormous strength, something Susan definitely possessed.  I will miss her terribly, but I am so glad she has found her peace in this world and I look forward to the day when I see her again.

So now that I am able to function a bit more normally, I am back to my walking routine.  I bought myself some new shoes yesterday, and today I am wearing them without my foot brace just to see how my left foot does.

I have even more reason to work even harder now.  Susan always cheered me on and always believed in me, and I will never let her down.  I can feel her gently coaxing me, telling me I can do it and to never give up!

Step count today:  215

Steps I'm behind:  7,745

Day 159

I know, I know, I've been away for a few days.  That doesn't mean I didn't walk or keep track, however.

This past weekend I took some more time on my living room painting project.  I am still in the prep-work phase, but it's getting there.  It's a big living room, and a big project.  We're talking full renovation here, not just slapping on a coat of paint.  I am removing all the trim, which will be replaced later with real wood instead of the plastic that was up there prior, and the actual painting will consist of two coats of primer (the walls are very dry and very dirty) followed by two to three coats of paint.  Plus the ceiling.  Phew!

So needless to say I've been a busy girl, and continue to stay busy, which I like.  If I have nothing to do I get very bored, very easily, and that's when I become destructive.  Idle hands...

So, today I will be getting in some good walking numbers.  Today is one of those days that I put on my sneakers and come sit at my desk, and then intermittently get up and go walk for 50-150 steps at a time.

Step count today:  856

Steps I'm behind:  7,329

P.S.  All of today's steps were done barefoot.  Woo Hoo!

Day 153

It was a long holiday weekend, and the down-time, and chance to do what I wanted with my time, was much needed.

Yesterday was a long busy day of catch-up from the weekend.  Isn't that always how it goes?  We end up needing a vacation from our vacation.

Today it's back to the grindstone.  I will be giving her hell on the step count once again!  Although the rest felt good, I'm anxious to get back at it.  I still got in a few steps here and there, but nothing like I do on a normal walking day. 



Step count today:  325

Steps I'm behind:  7,578

Getting Motivated - Day 131

I'm having a hard time getting motivated today.  It happens sometimes -- days when I feel like not doing much.  They are rare, but they happen.  Today is certainly one of those days.

So what do you do when you can't seem to find the motivation to do what needs to be done?

Me?  I try not to think about it and just get in "robot" mode, and do it.  Once I start, it seems I forget all about being lazy and unmotivated, and I'm off to the races.

So, the biggest hurdle is that initial hump.  That little push we need to get started.  Afterall, energy breeds energy, so once you are up and moving you will remain up and moving.

Some days my coffee is enough, some days I need something else.  Today, I strapped on my Livestrong bracelet so that the sight of it on my wrist will make me feel even lazier if I don't get up and get started on something (I mean Lance Armstrong rides for like five hours at a time!).  I need to do some crawling, it has been a few days, and I definitely need to do some walking.  Maybe the power of Lance will inject me with the energy I need to accomplish those tasks.

On other days it seems no matter what I do, I just can't summon the energy it takes to do anything.  Those are the days I listen to my body and take it easy.  Afterall, even God rested one day out of seven.

Food is good energy, too.  I just had some of my famous boneless wings (no breading) and a big glass of water. 

It's off to the races I go...

Step count today:  413

Steps I'm behind:  7,580 (eeks!)

I found this and thought I would add it as a tasty treat of motivation:

Yes, that is me, about 13 years ago shortly before my illness.  My motivation.

Autoimmune Diseases Suck - Day 130

Today is World Lupus Day:  http://www.lupus.org/newsite/index.html

I spent some time on the above site reading about Lupus.  Lupus is just one of many autoimmune diseases to affect thousands of people every year.  The Autoimmune Epidemic is a frightening thing.  What are we doing to ourselves that is causing our bodies to attack?  We are obviously a society doing just about everything wrong that we can possibly do wrong.  Plastics, harsh chemicals, preservatives, by-products, pollution -- artificial this, artificial that -- the list goes on and on and it's sickening.  It's no wonder our bodies cave under the pressure.  It's like our immune system throws its hands up and says "that's it, I've had ENOUGH!"

I know that's what mine did, and when it did, I wished I would die so the pain would end.  I wouldn't wish what I went through on my worst enemy.  At the time, I wasn't considered "unhealthy", I was very fit, ate fairly well (certainly much better than most), didn't do drugs, had recently quit drinking alcohol, and drank water often.  Thinking back, I drank water from plastic water bottles.  Something was overloading my body, and my immune system didn't like it.  Things finally snapped, and I went through the hardest fight of my life, and I'm still fighting.

We can walk outside, and the pollutants in the air attack our body and our immune system.  Then we go on to eat and drink things that contain chemicals that further overload our systems, until one day, it's too late.  Our immune systems are like someone trapped in a traffic jam that finally snaps and unloads years of pent up frustrations.  There are a shocking number of autoimmune cases every year, and an even more shocking number of autoimmune diseases, with more being added yearly. 

The best advice I can give is to purify what goes into your body.  Eliminate as many toxins from your diet and everyday life as possible.  Do not drink out of plastic, do not cook with plastic, and do not store your food in plastic.  Use glass or BPA free stainless steel.   Eat organic when possible.  Don't smoke.  Pay attention to what goes into your body, you never know, it might be the one thing that sends your immune system over the edge.

For more helpful information on how to possibly avoid an autoimmune disease, I strongly recommend this book:  The Autoimmune Epidemic by Donna Jackson Nakazawa

Day 128

It is a sweltering day here in Florida.  The humidity is thick as butter today!  Should make for an interesting cardio session later, especially when I add some weight to my chair for an even better workout.

I was tired yesterday, and lacking energy.  We went to the trail to get in our miles, and I was struggling so I called it at one mile.  I felt like such a pansy, but I guess my body was just having "one of those days".  I know something is better than nothing, but it frustrates me when I feel like I just can't go on no matter how hard I try.  For someone who is now doing three miles at a time, one mile just seems like defeat.  I know it's not, but it seems like it.

Today will be better.  I also need to get some more steps and crawling in today.  It will be a busy day of working out so I can make up for being such a weakling yesterday ;^)

I can't wait to get out in the heat and sweat off some frustrations.

Step count today:  277

Steps I'm behind:  7,171

Day 126

I celebrated Cinco de Mayo yesterday with five miles.  That's the first five mile "roll" I've done since I began training.  It felt great! 

The only downside I can see to doing so much cardio is that it has increased my energy levels exponentially, and now all I want to do is get out there and do more cardio.  I am finding mundane everyday tasks boring and effortless.  These are all good developments, it's just going to take some getting used to.  I am learning to manage the higher energy levels, but I never thought it would be so hard to do.  I'm suddenly like Speedy Gonzales on steroids... ZOOM!

Getting in shape has never felt so good, and with each pound that comes off, and each mile I add to my workout, I notice how much easier it is  to walk and crawl.  I still have my "off" days of course, but I can really start to feel results and I'm loving it.  It has become my way of life that every single day I have to do something to work up a sweat, and something that makes me use my body more than the day before.  It's as if I'm 21 again (I wish). 

Today will be no exception.  Once this coffee kicks in I'm off to do something good.

Step count today:  250

Steps I'm behind:  7,175

Day 124

My legs hurt like hell today.  I guess that's a good thing, but it doesn't make the pain any more bearable. 

I think I'm having an all around "I feel like crap" day.  We all get them.  Today is mine.  I own it.  Maybe I need a nap.

The heat is insane here in Florida.  It's like Mother Nature woke up and forgot what month we're in.  Someone needs to tell her she's way off.  I would, but I'm too busy being lazy.

Must... go... do... something... productive...



Step count today:  50

Steps I'm behind:  7,157

Day 118

I accomplished what I set out to do yesterday, minus the exercise bike.  By the time I had done my five minutes of crawling I felt like I had just ran a marathon, and I still had to go do three miles in my chair, so I figured I'd save my strength.  I am going to get on the bike today, however. 

Apparently I'm getting in shape again since yesterday's three miles weren't necessarily a piece of cake, but it wasn't exactly hard either.  During the three miles I felt the usual pains; shoulders and triceps burning, hating it at certain points, wanting to stop, but I pushed on.  Afterward was when it didn't feel like I had really done anything.  I was waiting for that "wow, I just did three miles" feeling to kick in and it never did.  I guess my body is getting conditioned and I will need to pick up the pace a bit and start adding distance.  YAY!

I will do some more crawling today and see if I can't go a little further.  Although I did the five minutes yesterday, I had to break for a little bit about mid-point and let my arms go back in their sockets and catch my breath.  I would like to see if I can go farther than 2 1/2 minutes before breaking.  Yesterday it felt like I left my arms on the floor when I had finished, but I guess that means I'm getting a good workout :^)~

This crawling thing is proving to be a very hard workout, and I love it.  I need to try to add as much every day as I can.  Muscles are getting worked that don't normally do anything, even when I walk, so I am very happy about that.  Between the walking, crawling, and miles in my chair I should be a rail in no time!  A very muscular rail :^)

I'm a little less annoyed with people today.  Yesterday was good -- I didn't have anybody bother me at the park -- even though there were lots of people there.  That's how it should be.  I realize that some people are just ignorant, or they just don't know any better, but that shouldn't be my problem, and just because I'm in a wheelchair it sometimes becomes my problem, and that makes me even more upset.  There are days when I can take it with a grain of salt and brush it off as just another clueless person, and then there are days like the past few when I just get fed up with being nice all the time.  I suppose with everything there has to be balance.

The good news is that for every person that says something stupid or does something stupid, there are countless others who totally "get it" and make my life enjoyable.  People like my close friends who don't treat me any differently, yet quietly look out for me and keep my disability in mind.  The cool people in my life who love me for me.  The new people I have met over the past year who have turned out to be amazing, and the people I have known most of my life with whom I have recently renewed friendships.  And, let's not forget those of you who support me and my effort to try to walk again.  I could gush all day about you people.  You know who you are (I hope), and I just want to say thanks.  It's people like you who get people like me through every minute of every day.

Step count today:  341

Step's I'm behind:  6,708

Day 116

Monday, Monday. 

Here's hoping today is a better day -- as far as people are concerned -- than yesterday.  When I go out to do the things I need to do, I hope everyone just minds their own business.  Unless some fine looking man wants to come up and ask me out on a date, or someone wants to just make conversation, I prefer to be left alone.  I'm not going to be so nice anymore, I'm just going to start insulting these people right back.  I've had several comebacks over the years, but never used them.  "What happened to you?", me: "nothing, I just got tired of walking."  "OMG did you get in a car accident?", me: "Ya, I got hit by someone stupid like you."  Oh, the list goes on and on, and usually I just clam up and wave them off, or I say "long story" and keep moving because I fear what I will really say if given the chance to let my anger take over.  Now that my daughter is older she gets upset as well, which makes me even more upset.  I can feel her tensing up, and that just makes my rage start bubbling, and I know that I need to get away, and fast.  The things I could say to these people would leave them stunned and searching for the nearest dictionary.  They would have no clue that I just insulted them, and their whole family, with just a few sentences. 

Sometimes I think maybe I should just let loose and give them a piece of my mind.  Maybe if I did, they wouldn't do the same stupid thing to another disabled person just trying to make it through another day. I have a feeling that with people like that it wouldn't matter what I said, they wouldn't get it anyway.  If they don't already understand that you don't just go up to someone who has already suffered enough and start prying into their personal business just because you're curious, then they more than likely never will, and no amount of my words or time will change them.

Most of the time I can laugh it off and just keep remembering that they are clueless, but there are those days when it's just not the right day to F with me.  The kind of day like yesterday when I wasn't having the greatest of days to begin with, and the whole reason I was at the park working my ass off was to help calm my nerves, and release stress and excess energy.  It's like when I have to pee really bad and there is someone in my stall using the sink and mirror to do their makeup...  If looks could kill, my body count would be in the triple digits.

Step count today:  0

Steps I'm behind:  6,855

Day 42

(edited to reflect the right day - day 42, not 41)

My computer crashed yesterday mid-walk so I wrote my steps down and had to update it today. My weight machine also took a dump yesterday so I did 1 set of 15 reps with 5 lbs and that was the end of that.

I really want a bowflex machine.


Step count today: 296

Spasms, Spasticity, and Pain

I recently posted about Chamomile and it's benefits for muscle spasms, but today, I don't think there is a drug out there (except maybe something to completely knock me out) that could help with what I'm going through.

I have my good days, and my bad, just like with any other kind of recovery or rehabilitation, and I fully expect them, but some days I just want to chop my legs right off - like today. It's a common issue with neurological problems that we get what's called spasticity. When this happens we can actually feel stronger and walk/move with a little more strength. What happens is the muscles contract continuously - like when you stretch a really good stretch and your muscles kind of tighten up and it feels kinda painful but good all at the same time - that's what happens to me all day long. Like stretching a rubber band to its full potential and leaving it that way.

I have learned to deal with it over the years, and although it hurts, it does kind of feel good at the same time. It burns, like I'm sitting on something that is too hot or something is on my legs that is hot, but it does give me a little added strength when it occurs. At the same time, it makes walking more dangerous because it severely diminishes my already slow response time.

Basically it's a huge annoyance that has a few good qualities, and today it's really bugging me. I just want it to go away. I want it all to go away. That's the big issue with something like this is the pain level is just high enough to make things hurt a lot more when you do them - like walking.

I have heard that people who are in pain constantly but learn to deal with it can slowly go insane. No wonder why I'm crazy.

Wow. Just, Wow!

This is an amazing story of determination and struggle:

Paralyzed Motocross Racer Walks By Sheer Willpower

Give 'er hell!