Be Strong

Happy Birthday, Me!

Yup, the big day is here.  I'm 38... woo hoo!  Yes, I am excited to be 38.  I'm excited to be alive.  Excited to not have cancer.  No, I'm absolutely ELATED to not have cancer!

Not doing much today, just going to relax and continue to enjoy life.  Maybe I'll get really ambitious and do some cleaning.  Woo hoo, big crazy plans.  :)

Thanks once again to all that have emailed to wish me well.  Each and every email I get brings me such joy and comfort... so, thank you!

Never Give Up

Health Update August 14

Hello all,

Here is the latest update on the giant tumor in my belly:

I have had a battery of tests, including a biopsy of my uterus, all of which have come back normal!  Thank God, <taking a moment to actually thank Him>.  It is not cancer, and that makes me grateful beyond grateful.  I can handle anything with a smile on my face knowing I'm not battling the dreaded 'C' word.

Surgery to have a full hysterectomy and remove the tumor/tumors and my uterus was scheduled for this coming Monday, August 19th, but upon further testing, that has been postponed because my thyroid levels are dangerously low, and with good reason, my doctor will not perform the surgery until that is under control.  So, a tiny little pill every day to sort that out is all I have to do, and once I'm back to "normal" we will reschedule the surgery.

I am very excited to have this surgery.  I have wanted my uterus gone for many years.  These fibroid tumors run in my family, and I have known I have at least two for some time now, so I figured one day it would be a good idea to just have it taken out.  That day has come. 

It's nice to fully understand why I've been feeling so awful these past couple of years.  The weakness is explained by the tumor and my severe hypothyroidism.  Actually, all of my recent symptoms are explained away by both of these issues, and it's really great knowing that will be fixed.  My doctor is also referring me to a neurologist after my surgery to take a look at my condition and see if there is any way we can fix that too :)))

All in all, this is a good development in my life.  I have a lot to do, and will have some recovery time after the surgery, but that's a walk in the park compared to what it could have been.  I wake every morning with a smile on my face and thank God for sparing me.  I'm not done being a mommy to my beautiful daughter yet, and I want to see my grand babies and do a lot more in this life -- whether I can walk normal or not.

Thank you to all of you who have already sent me well wishes!  I appreciate it so much, and it's so nice to know there are so many wonderfully caring people in this world!

Never Give Up

Long Time Gone

Wow, I realized today that I haven't posted anything worthwhile in a very long time, yet again.  I don't know why I keep failing so miserably, but I would like to apologize again.  Life just seems to go by so quickly anymore.

I'm not sure how I'm doing, exactly.  I feel like I'm at such a stale-mate.  I am having a really hard time getting motivated lately, and I don't know if it's because of a little bit of depression, or maybe health issues, or both.  Whatever it is, I want it to stop, and I want to feel good and have energy and want to do things again.

I had an idea today for something that might work at getting me moving around more.  I've been addicted to Pinterest lately, and I have a board called "Food" that has upwards of 300 recipes on it so far.  I was thinking I would start with at least 1 recipe a week; make the dish, take a picture of it, post it here with my awesome wordiness attached, and then move it to a new board called "Finished", or something along those lines.  I think it might be a good way to get me out of the house to get the ingredients, then of course moving around the kitchen to create whatever fabulous dish is up for that week, and maybe even some more exercise if I decide to share it and bring it to friends so I don't end up 300 pounds by the end of it all.  And if I really got motivated I could do more than 1 a week, maybe even 3!  I don't know.  It's an idea.

What I do know is something needs to change for me, and I'm the only one who can make the changes.  So, I better get my ass in gear and figure out what I'm going to do.  I'm starting to get a little moldy like my apartment.

Day 254

I have a new walk.  I have begun to favor my stronger leg (the right), and now have a kind of limp.  I know this is a great development as it means my brain/body connection is getting stronger, and my body wants to walk normal, but is still unable. 

I am still in shock that after only a little over six weeks I have come as far as I have.  I still have a very long way to go, but the fact that I'm gaining muscle, feeling, flexibility, and strength has me overjoyed.  This means the nerves still work, and although I might have a few leftover side effects, I should be able to walk unassisted without many problems! 

Step count today:  556

Steps I'm ahead:  13,804

Mt. Everest

I'm officially nervous and I think my stomach has turned itself inside out.  Two days and 22+ hours from now I will be on a plane headed to Minnesota; chair-less. 

The palms of my hands are beginning to chafe, and I'm hoping this will callous up in a day or two.  If not, I may have to bring out my ugly gloves.  Without my hands I don't have much left to get me around.

I can remember when I could have thrown a few clothes into a duffel bag and flown off to wherever I wanted, no planning necessary.   Those days are long gone.

This expedition I am taking, I am comparing to what it must feel like when someone prepares to climb Mt. Everest.  I might not be climbing 29,035 ft., but it's probably going to feel like it just with more oxygen.

This is my Everest.  I've climbed the bridge at the park and labeled that my Everest, but I'm officially claiming this trip as my Everest.  The work, and planning, and focus it will take to pull this off deserve nothing less.

I'm facing two weeks of doing everything differently.  I will no longer have the security of "oh I'll just take my chair".  Long distances are going to give me a pit in my stomach and a bead of sweat on my brow.  Every time I step out of my car at a rest area I'm going to be mentally sizing up how far I will have to walk before I can use the bathroom.  Every hotel is going to be a challenge if they can't get me a room close enough to where I park.  Everything I do from the moment I leave that chair behind is going to be nothing less than hard work. 

Imagine facing Everest for the first time...  Exactly.

Can I do this?  Will my arms and my hands hold out for that amount of walking?  My arms are very strong, but in different ways than using a walker.  My arms are used to pushing a chair forward, not pushing down on a walker repeatedly.  Will I have to walk somewhere far and not be able to make it due to fatigue in my arms and legs?  Or more appropriately, fatigue in my entire body.

I'm about to find out.

These are just a few of the questions that have been swarming my brain the past few days.  The closer it gets to "go" time, the more questions arise.  Scenarios just present themselves in my head and the anxiety inevitably follows.  It's like a form of torture.

I'm scared.  I'm excited.  I'm confident.  I'm determined.  I'm ready.

One step at a time. 

Only time will tell how capable I am of pulling off such a monumental feat.  I know in my heart of hearts I can do this, and I will do this, but it's going to take every last drop of stubborn energy I have -- and then some.

It's My Blog and I'll Cry If I Want To

Sometimes it's hard to be sunny and cheery, especially when outside forces insist on ruining what was starting off as a perfectly good day.

People suck.

I spend my days working hard at being positive and doing the right thing.  I don't ask anyone for anything.  So why then do people still insist on making my life a living hell just because they can?  I'll never learn the answer to that question as long as I live.

I spent a large portion of my life being controlled like a puppet on a string, and it seems those puppeteers just keep trying to reattach those strings.  I am much stronger than that, so it will never happen again, but it's still a frustration.  Why bother?  Just leave me alone.  I'm doing just fine right where I am, doing what I'm doing.

Go away.

When did I give the impression I am unable to take care of myself or that I am too stupid to figure things out on my own?  When in my life did I let on that I am unable to be my own person and make my own decisions?  The keyword being my decisions.  Mine in that they are mine, I own them, I make them for a reason, and those reasons, although really none of anyone's business but my own, are good reasons.  Every decision I make is well thought out, made by me and only me, and not influenced by anyone, finally.  Decisions that will make my life better in some way, and ones that will have a positive impact on my future.  So tell me again why you can't just leave me be?

Control.

What makes one person so obsessed with controlling another?  When there are no blood ties, no rings on fingers, and no financial or substantial connections, why is it so necessary to care so deeply what the other person does with his/her life?  I truly believe it is an issue of control and the lack of it.  Where there once was a dynamic in which one person had almost total control over another, and now doesn't, I believe that creates a void in the controller (puppeteer) which they feel needs to be filled once again.

Not.  Going.  To.  Happen.

And I'm not sorry.

This time in my life is a crucial one.  I am on the path to walking again.  Everything I do revolves around my recovery.  In the past, I allowed myself to be weak and vulnerable, and I gave in to natural urges that ultimately got me nowhere.  I self-medicated.  I gave in to giving up.  I failed.

I will never fail again.

To me failure does not lie in not reaching a goal; it's in not trying.  You can't do anything if you don't try, and when you try, and I mean really give it your all, that's success.

This is my freedom we are talking about.  My independence.  A normal way of life.

Perhaps that is the issue.  My independence is a threat to those who want me kept down.  I get it now.

Too effing bad.

What I do with my life, is my life, get over it. 

Some people find it necessary to make other people's lives their business and all about them.  I find it necessary to make my life my business and all about me.

I am stubborn and strong and have been given the opportunity to really work hard at getting my legs back.  Nothing and nobody will stand in the way of that ever again.

Day 196

I spent some time reflecting yesterday.  I was waist deep in a renovation project and had plenty of time to think.  I decided yesterday would be a good day to finish the new floor in my pantry, remove all the old shelves to make room for the new, and paint the walls.  While sitting on the floor measuring and fitting tiles, I started to think about the progression my body has taken during my journey to walking on my own power.  It's definitely not quite as simple as just getting some long-dormant muscles stronger.  There is much more to it than that, and when I stop think about it, I am in awe at how amazing, and possible things are in relation to the human body and its recovery.

The years I spent sitting in a wheelchair, I didn't often use my legs for much.  I had become so used to them being weak and unusable that I adapted to using my arms for everything.  They basically did nothing more than get in my way.  What a person doesn't realize is when this happens, it's not just the muscles that become dormant, but it's your brain, and the signals your brain sends, that suffer as well.  It's like a blind person whose other senses are refined;  the brain disconnects from whatever part of the body is not being used so that it may focus its energies on the parts of the body that need it most. 

Thinking about this process reminds me of my days in ICU when I was connected to a ventilator.  My diaphragm was paralyzed and I was unable to breathe on my own.  I was on a ventilator for a total of 34 days, and in that short period of time, my brain forgot how to breathe.  When I regained the use of that muscle, I had to consciously think to myself "OK, breathe" in order to take every single breath.  Imagine that for a minute.  On average, a healthy adult at rest will take 12 breaths per minute.  So twelve times per minute, I had to tell myself to breathe.  At night I had to be reconnected to the ventilator.  It only took a few days before the involuntary response kicked back in and I no longer had to think about it, but those few days really taught me the meaning of "learning how to breathe all over again".

The same is true for every other part of my body that was affected by this illness.  To this day, I have to consciously think about lifting up my foot when I walk.  My right leg can pretty much do it on its own, but my left still drags if I don't say in my head "OK, pick up your foot".  It's like disconnecting your car radio:  it's not going to work unless you reconnect those wires.  I have to think about almost everything I do until it becomes involuntary once again.  My brain has to reconnect the wires.  I always used to think that if I could move it and feel it, I should be using it.  Shame on me for not, but now I am learning how to walk all over again.

It really puts into perspective the length of time it takes to recover from any injury, and especially one that completely shut my entire body down.  I can remember when trying to lift a 1-pound dumbbell seemed like the hardest thing I ever had to do, now my arms are so strong grown men have arm-wrestled me -- and lost.

It renews my hope that one day I will be looking back and saying "I remember when I could barely walk 300 steps" as I'm running down the beach, and it reaffirms the mantra I play over and over in my head --  Never Give Up!



Step count today:  936

Steps I'm behind:  5,596

Day 166

So, I've been gone again for a few days.  I received some terrible news recently that my best friend passed away, and I needed to deal with that.  I'm not sure how to deal with it, really.  At first I was all over the place with my emotions, bordering on a panic attack many times, until I found out it was what she wanted, then I think I found my peace.

Susan battled with cancer for a very long time.  She was a strong fighting champion, and if you just met her, you would never know what she was really going through.  She always had a bright, sunny smile and nice things to say.  Her death came so suddenly, I assumed the cancer had finally taken over and she had lost her battle, but in reality, she won.  She decided it was time, and she didn't want to suffer anymore.  She took her life into her own hands like she always had and made the decision to let nature take its course.  I always admired her for her courage and willingness to do what needed to be done.  I know that she just knew this was going to continue to be a very long, hard battle, and the only way she would come out a winner was to decide when and how she finally let go.  That takes enormous strength, something Susan definitely possessed.  I will miss her terribly, but I am so glad she has found her peace in this world and I look forward to the day when I see her again.

So now that I am able to function a bit more normally, I am back to my walking routine.  I bought myself some new shoes yesterday, and today I am wearing them without my foot brace just to see how my left foot does.

I have even more reason to work even harder now.  Susan always cheered me on and always believed in me, and I will never let her down.  I can feel her gently coaxing me, telling me I can do it and to never give up!

Step count today:  215

Steps I'm behind:  7,745

Day 162

My legs were very tired yesterday.  It was just one of those days.  I have my great days, my OK days, and my bad days, and yesterday was one of them.  I still can't get over the fact that even on my bad days I still get in over 200 steps.  A year ago, a bad day would mean I took a few steps and couldn't go on.  Wow.

So, God willing, today will be another big walking day.  Once I have my coffee, pop a B-complex, and have a little food, it's off to the races. 

Step count today:  325

Steps I'm behind:  6,864

Day 160

So, it's official, I will be going up north to see my family this summer!  I am very excited about this new development, and have a lot of work and planning to do as I will be going sans chair!  That's right, I will be taking a walker only... eek!

I did very well walking yesterday, and I did it all barefoot, something that has been quite difficult for me over the course of this journey.  The last time I tried walking barefoot for any length of time (over 400 steps or so), my feet would get very fatigued and then turn inward onto my arches and I did not have the strength to get them back straight.  To prevent this, I would simply wear my sneakers and my foot brace.  Yesterday, I didn't need the shoes, or the brace, and I did rather well considering I walked over 800 steps in a somewhat short period of time!

Going on such a long trip without my wheels is something I would have never thought of doing even two months ago.  I have come so far that it's almost unbelievable.  This will be a huge trip, and something I need to start planning for today, but I am up for the challenge!  I'm strong and capable, and I will do this.

The biggest obstacle I see as of now is the airport.  I will have to get there several hours early to be sure they have a chair available to get me through the vast expanse of the airport, to the gate, and on the plane.  No problem there, it just takes planning.  The other obstacle will of course be fatigue, but provided I bust ass walking from now until then, I will do nothing but get into better shape than I am now, and I could do the trip now if I had to.

I will of course be in constant motion up north, going from place to place trying to see as many people as I can while I'm there, but there will always be time to sit and visit, and rest.

Who knows, maybe by then (seven weeks from now) I will be able to just take some crutches.  Those would be easier to transport, although as of now they are not easier to walk with, so time will tell.

The big event will be the trip home.  I am driving.  Driving is the easy part, it's the stops and the walking that's the hard part.  Although, after hours of being on the road, the stretching and moving around will no doubt feel good.

Besides, how can I possibly not be happy on the trip home when THIS is what I will be driving:

And P.S., the lavender house in the background is the house I grew up in!  My cousins own it now.  Yes, it has been that color since I can remember.

I am just vibrating with excitement right now.  Time to get to work!

Step count today:  726

Steps I'm behind:  6,893

Day 159

I know, I know, I've been away for a few days.  That doesn't mean I didn't walk or keep track, however.

This past weekend I took some more time on my living room painting project.  I am still in the prep-work phase, but it's getting there.  It's a big living room, and a big project.  We're talking full renovation here, not just slapping on a coat of paint.  I am removing all the trim, which will be replaced later with real wood instead of the plastic that was up there prior, and the actual painting will consist of two coats of primer (the walls are very dry and very dirty) followed by two to three coats of paint.  Plus the ceiling.  Phew!

So needless to say I've been a busy girl, and continue to stay busy, which I like.  If I have nothing to do I get very bored, very easily, and that's when I become destructive.  Idle hands...

So, today I will be getting in some good walking numbers.  Today is one of those days that I put on my sneakers and come sit at my desk, and then intermittently get up and go walk for 50-150 steps at a time.

Step count today:  856

Steps I'm behind:  7,329

P.S.  All of today's steps were done barefoot.  Woo Hoo!

Day 148

I took the past couple of days off of walking.  To be honest, I just didn't want to, and I needed the rest.  My legs have been screaming at me, and I know when to listen.

I am sure that most of you have heard about Matt, the man who quit his job to go "walkabout" across the US from New York to Oregon, but just in case you've just come out from under your rock:

http://www.imjustwalkin.com/

Most people only dream of doing something like what Matt is doing.  I am one of them.  I think his journey is amazing, and I only wish I had the ability to do the same.  The sites he has seen, and the people he has encountered, are incredible.  I'm just blown away by the whole thing.  If I had the resources, I would travel to him and walk beside him as long as I could.

So, after staying up until the wee hours of the morning reading every post and looking at every picture Matt has posted along his journey so far, I am now filled with wanderlust.  The best I can do to cure it is walk in my home and add to my step count, then maybe hit the park later for some much needed cardio.

Step count today:  520

Steps I'm behind:  7,064

Day 137

Between a visit from my father, and my daughter's 8th grade dance, I missed a few days of walking.  I know I shouldn't let life get in the way like that, but sometimes it does.  I just don't quite move fast enough yet to be able to slow down on those busy days, and walk.  Besides, I think the rest does me good.  I am doing great with the step count today, and am almost to my goal!  I feel strong and motivated and I love it!

Shooting for 1,000 today!

Step count today:  1,031

Steps I'm behind:  7,614

Day 132

It has been a great walking day today.  My legs feel strong, and thinking back to how I used to walk, I am taking much more normal steps with a more normal stride.  I can also walk a lot further before becoming fatigued, both in my arms and my legs.  I will shoot for 400 steps a day for the rest of May, and I can't wait to see how much I progress after that!



Step count today:  579

Steps I'm behind:  7,275

Getting Motivated - Day 131

I'm having a hard time getting motivated today.  It happens sometimes -- days when I feel like not doing much.  They are rare, but they happen.  Today is certainly one of those days.

So what do you do when you can't seem to find the motivation to do what needs to be done?

Me?  I try not to think about it and just get in "robot" mode, and do it.  Once I start, it seems I forget all about being lazy and unmotivated, and I'm off to the races.

So, the biggest hurdle is that initial hump.  That little push we need to get started.  Afterall, energy breeds energy, so once you are up and moving you will remain up and moving.

Some days my coffee is enough, some days I need something else.  Today, I strapped on my Livestrong bracelet so that the sight of it on my wrist will make me feel even lazier if I don't get up and get started on something (I mean Lance Armstrong rides for like five hours at a time!).  I need to do some crawling, it has been a few days, and I definitely need to do some walking.  Maybe the power of Lance will inject me with the energy I need to accomplish those tasks.

On other days it seems no matter what I do, I just can't summon the energy it takes to do anything.  Those are the days I listen to my body and take it easy.  Afterall, even God rested one day out of seven.

Food is good energy, too.  I just had some of my famous boneless wings (no breading) and a big glass of water. 

It's off to the races I go...

Step count today:  413

Steps I'm behind:  7,580 (eeks!)

I found this and thought I would add it as a tasty treat of motivation:

Yes, that is me, about 13 years ago shortly before my illness.  My motivation.

Day 128

It is a sweltering day here in Florida.  The humidity is thick as butter today!  Should make for an interesting cardio session later, especially when I add some weight to my chair for an even better workout.

I was tired yesterday, and lacking energy.  We went to the trail to get in our miles, and I was struggling so I called it at one mile.  I felt like such a pansy, but I guess my body was just having "one of those days".  I know something is better than nothing, but it frustrates me when I feel like I just can't go on no matter how hard I try.  For someone who is now doing three miles at a time, one mile just seems like defeat.  I know it's not, but it seems like it.

Today will be better.  I also need to get some more steps and crawling in today.  It will be a busy day of working out so I can make up for being such a weakling yesterday ;^)

I can't wait to get out in the heat and sweat off some frustrations.

Step count today:  277

Steps I'm behind:  7,171

Day 126

I celebrated Cinco de Mayo yesterday with five miles.  That's the first five mile "roll" I've done since I began training.  It felt great! 

The only downside I can see to doing so much cardio is that it has increased my energy levels exponentially, and now all I want to do is get out there and do more cardio.  I am finding mundane everyday tasks boring and effortless.  These are all good developments, it's just going to take some getting used to.  I am learning to manage the higher energy levels, but I never thought it would be so hard to do.  I'm suddenly like Speedy Gonzales on steroids... ZOOM!

Getting in shape has never felt so good, and with each pound that comes off, and each mile I add to my workout, I notice how much easier it is  to walk and crawl.  I still have my "off" days of course, but I can really start to feel results and I'm loving it.  It has become my way of life that every single day I have to do something to work up a sweat, and something that makes me use my body more than the day before.  It's as if I'm 21 again (I wish). 

Today will be no exception.  Once this coffee kicks in I'm off to do something good.

Step count today:  250

Steps I'm behind:  7,175

Day 124

My legs hurt like hell today.  I guess that's a good thing, but it doesn't make the pain any more bearable. 

I think I'm having an all around "I feel like crap" day.  We all get them.  Today is mine.  I own it.  Maybe I need a nap.

The heat is insane here in Florida.  It's like Mother Nature woke up and forgot what month we're in.  Someone needs to tell her she's way off.  I would, but I'm too busy being lazy.

Must... go... do... something... productive...



Step count today:  50

Steps I'm behind:  7,157

Day 118

I accomplished what I set out to do yesterday, minus the exercise bike.  By the time I had done my five minutes of crawling I felt like I had just ran a marathon, and I still had to go do three miles in my chair, so I figured I'd save my strength.  I am going to get on the bike today, however. 

Apparently I'm getting in shape again since yesterday's three miles weren't necessarily a piece of cake, but it wasn't exactly hard either.  During the three miles I felt the usual pains; shoulders and triceps burning, hating it at certain points, wanting to stop, but I pushed on.  Afterward was when it didn't feel like I had really done anything.  I was waiting for that "wow, I just did three miles" feeling to kick in and it never did.  I guess my body is getting conditioned and I will need to pick up the pace a bit and start adding distance.  YAY!

I will do some more crawling today and see if I can't go a little further.  Although I did the five minutes yesterday, I had to break for a little bit about mid-point and let my arms go back in their sockets and catch my breath.  I would like to see if I can go farther than 2 1/2 minutes before breaking.  Yesterday it felt like I left my arms on the floor when I had finished, but I guess that means I'm getting a good workout :^)~

This crawling thing is proving to be a very hard workout, and I love it.  I need to try to add as much every day as I can.  Muscles are getting worked that don't normally do anything, even when I walk, so I am very happy about that.  Between the walking, crawling, and miles in my chair I should be a rail in no time!  A very muscular rail :^)

I'm a little less annoyed with people today.  Yesterday was good -- I didn't have anybody bother me at the park -- even though there were lots of people there.  That's how it should be.  I realize that some people are just ignorant, or they just don't know any better, but that shouldn't be my problem, and just because I'm in a wheelchair it sometimes becomes my problem, and that makes me even more upset.  There are days when I can take it with a grain of salt and brush it off as just another clueless person, and then there are days like the past few when I just get fed up with being nice all the time.  I suppose with everything there has to be balance.

The good news is that for every person that says something stupid or does something stupid, there are countless others who totally "get it" and make my life enjoyable.  People like my close friends who don't treat me any differently, yet quietly look out for me and keep my disability in mind.  The cool people in my life who love me for me.  The new people I have met over the past year who have turned out to be amazing, and the people I have known most of my life with whom I have recently renewed friendships.  And, let's not forget those of you who support me and my effort to try to walk again.  I could gush all day about you people.  You know who you are (I hope), and I just want to say thanks.  It's people like you who get people like me through every minute of every day.

Step count today:  341

Step's I'm behind:  6,708