Another post I found in my archives that I wanted to re-share. 2010 was the year I began trying very hard to get my legs stronger and began using my walker and pushing myself to walk more and more every day. I documented my step count each day in my blog, and also updated with posts like the one below telling of new changes I was feeling. Funny that I am still having the pain and spasms in the hips, but it's so much worse and I'm unable to stand or walk. Back then, although I was having the contracting spasms, once they were over my legs would just go back to being limp and numb. Now, I still get the very painful contracting spasms, but my legs no longer return to being limp and numb. It's as if they are in a permanent contraction of some kind, and they are sensitive to touch which they never were before.
I'm trying to piece all of this together in my mind, and put it all down in my blog as well so that I have a record. My memory isn't the greatest because of all the medications I have to take, and I want this all available to show to Mayo.
I do remember how great it felt to be up and moving around again, though, and I miss that so much! It's a struggle every single day not to fall into a pit of depression because of this again.
(originally posted July 21, 2010):
"All of this walking is certainly doing something. I can tell by the new, and quite powerful spasms, and the new pains. My left leg can spasm so strong and painful that it feels as if my leg will rip right off my body at the hip. This has caused a new constant pain to form in that very same hip. My legs in general are hurting more than ever, but in a good way. It feels like they are sore. The kind of sore you feel after a really long bike ride, or a muscle-ripping workout at the gym. In other words: it's all good!
For a while I still had some doubts as to whether or not I really would see any significant progress in my strength and ability, but those doubts are starting to fade. The more new pain I feel, the more I realize walking is that much closer to a reality. Standing up from a seated position has gotten easier, my endurance has increased, I can stand for longer periods, and walking is becoming second nature once again. I catch myself reaching for my walker even when I've decided to rest and use the chair. That development is the best yet. I not only have to change my way of getting around, but my way of thinking as well.
I am getting really excited for my trip in six days. I'm still a little bit nervous, but I'm more excited and looking forward to it than ever. I know it will be hard work, and I don't care. I'm so happy I am able to do something that just six months ago was just a dream."
Showing posts with label disabled. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disabled. Show all posts
Sunday, February 7, 2016
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Unable Once Again
A lot of you may not know this, but when you have a hysterectomy there are a few different versions to choose from. Mine was a total hysterectomy, which means they took my uterus and cervix, but left my ovaries. At only 37 years old when I had it, had they taken my ovaries, that would have plunged me into menopause, which to say the least would have sucked. However, the odd thing that comes with leaving the ovaries is I still experience all of the hormonal changes a woman goes through monthly since the ovaries are, in fact, what produce a woman's hormones.
So, although I am sans a uterus, I still get PMS. I get the cravings, the mood swings, the bloating and the sore breasts, just no period. I'm grateful for the last part, obviously, and also grateful to not have gone through menopause at only 37, but I do get tired of still dealing with all of the annoying side effects of being a woman without the ability to at least have more children if I choose. Not that I would have any at my age and in my current condition, but it's nice to have the option.
I decided to write this today because I am having one of those days. A day in which I feel fat and bloated but all I want to do is eat. Sick of being cooped up inside, but don't want to leave the house. Enjoying the sun shining, but also kind of wishing the inclement weather that is on its way would get here sooner so I can hole up and be a bum all day without feeling guilty. I need to clean my apartment, so much so that it's driving me crazy each time I look at it, but I have no motivation to do so. And, add to all of that, I didn't get any sleep last night as my legs decided they weren't going to let me. The pain, the spasms, the tightness -- it all makes a recipe for zero sleep. Imagine if both of your inner thighs were in a charlie horse spasm, but also were contracting in real, and very painful spasms over and over again every few seconds non stop all night long no matter what you did, unless you sat up. That's what I am dealing with. So exhausted I can't keep my eyes open, but forced to sit up on the side of the bed until they feel a little better for at least thirty minutes or so, and then I can lay down and pray for sleep for about an hour before the entire process starts all over again. The contracting spasms themselves wouldn't be a huge deal. I've been dealing with those for 18 years, and they always came on worse when I laid down to rest. It's the new symptoms I can't handle. The tightness and lack of motion. My legs won't go straight, and also won't really bend, they are just kind of stuck in one position. I'm quite literally crippled up from the waist down with everything just kind of contracting and contorting whichever way it wants to go, none of which is comfortable. The pain is a burning kind of pain like everything is on fire. That's a hard pain to treat with even the strongest of pain killers.
I miss being able to stand and walk short distances. That was what gave me that added freedom I hadn't had for many, many years. Rather than being stuck in the chair - like I am once again - I had the ability to climb a few steps or walk enough to go where the chair couldn't go. That is once again all gone and I miss that little bit of freedom. My daughter and grandson are moving in to a new apartment today, and I can't go see it or be with them because there are concrete steps out front. I would love nothing more than to be there with them, helping her unpack and get organized. I wish I could enjoy her happiness and her new found freedom, too. She has sent me pictures and is telling me all about it via text, but I'd give anything to be there with her watching the joy on her face as she begins this new chapter of her life.
With limited abilities and illness also comes the loss of communication with people in my life. It's unavoidable no matter how good friends are, or how much they may love you. People don't want to be around someone who is in constant pain. They may feel bad for you, and may say they will do anything for you, but in reality (and I know this from lots of experience) most people will fade away during really tough times. I understand the process, but it doesn't make it any less difficult. It's just another thing that gets lost during tough times like these. I don't have the energy or the ability to do much of anything, anyway, so I guess it's for the best.
So, that brings me back to today. During all of this pain and suffering, the one thing I can embrace is my ability to rest and do as I please and everyone just has to understand, including me. I am physically simply unable to do much else, so I might as well embrace it. Lots of people would love to stay in their jammies all day and do nothing but watch mindless TV and take naps, so I will appreciate the ability to do that. With the loss of other abilities comes new ones.
So, although I am sans a uterus, I still get PMS. I get the cravings, the mood swings, the bloating and the sore breasts, just no period. I'm grateful for the last part, obviously, and also grateful to not have gone through menopause at only 37, but I do get tired of still dealing with all of the annoying side effects of being a woman without the ability to at least have more children if I choose. Not that I would have any at my age and in my current condition, but it's nice to have the option.
I decided to write this today because I am having one of those days. A day in which I feel fat and bloated but all I want to do is eat. Sick of being cooped up inside, but don't want to leave the house. Enjoying the sun shining, but also kind of wishing the inclement weather that is on its way would get here sooner so I can hole up and be a bum all day without feeling guilty. I need to clean my apartment, so much so that it's driving me crazy each time I look at it, but I have no motivation to do so. And, add to all of that, I didn't get any sleep last night as my legs decided they weren't going to let me. The pain, the spasms, the tightness -- it all makes a recipe for zero sleep. Imagine if both of your inner thighs were in a charlie horse spasm, but also were contracting in real, and very painful spasms over and over again every few seconds non stop all night long no matter what you did, unless you sat up. That's what I am dealing with. So exhausted I can't keep my eyes open, but forced to sit up on the side of the bed until they feel a little better for at least thirty minutes or so, and then I can lay down and pray for sleep for about an hour before the entire process starts all over again. The contracting spasms themselves wouldn't be a huge deal. I've been dealing with those for 18 years, and they always came on worse when I laid down to rest. It's the new symptoms I can't handle. The tightness and lack of motion. My legs won't go straight, and also won't really bend, they are just kind of stuck in one position. I'm quite literally crippled up from the waist down with everything just kind of contracting and contorting whichever way it wants to go, none of which is comfortable. The pain is a burning kind of pain like everything is on fire. That's a hard pain to treat with even the strongest of pain killers.
I miss being able to stand and walk short distances. That was what gave me that added freedom I hadn't had for many, many years. Rather than being stuck in the chair - like I am once again - I had the ability to climb a few steps or walk enough to go where the chair couldn't go. That is once again all gone and I miss that little bit of freedom. My daughter and grandson are moving in to a new apartment today, and I can't go see it or be with them because there are concrete steps out front. I would love nothing more than to be there with them, helping her unpack and get organized. I wish I could enjoy her happiness and her new found freedom, too. She has sent me pictures and is telling me all about it via text, but I'd give anything to be there with her watching the joy on her face as she begins this new chapter of her life.
With limited abilities and illness also comes the loss of communication with people in my life. It's unavoidable no matter how good friends are, or how much they may love you. People don't want to be around someone who is in constant pain. They may feel bad for you, and may say they will do anything for you, but in reality (and I know this from lots of experience) most people will fade away during really tough times. I understand the process, but it doesn't make it any less difficult. It's just another thing that gets lost during tough times like these. I don't have the energy or the ability to do much of anything, anyway, so I guess it's for the best.
So, that brings me back to today. During all of this pain and suffering, the one thing I can embrace is my ability to rest and do as I please and everyone just has to understand, including me. I am physically simply unable to do much else, so I might as well embrace it. Lots of people would love to stay in their jammies all day and do nothing but watch mindless TV and take naps, so I will appreciate the ability to do that. With the loss of other abilities comes new ones.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
I Miss My Body
I miss the young, healthy, strong body I once had. The one that could do just about anything. I could move an entire home full of furniture by myself. Carry king sized beds, TV's, stereos, etc. I was strong and fit and able.
I miss being tall and statuesque. Towering over just about everyone and the looks I received because of this. My overly strong legs that seemed invincible. I could do anything I wanted. Life was my oyster.
That was stolen from me by this rare, strange, and unexplained illness which continues to rob me of life's small freedoms. Driving, using the bathroom, sleeping, all of it. It has taken my abilities and continues to chip away at whatever I have left. It has yet to break my spirit, but that, too, is being chipped away with every night of missed sleep and every painful transfer to the passenger side of my own car that I haven't driven in months. Just another of one of my favorite freedoms I've lost.
I just want my strong body back. I want to hike and swim in the ocean. Climb stairs, run through puddles, and play in the snow. I want to go sledding and skiing, ride a snow mobile and shovel the sidewalks. I want to do everything that most people are tired of doing. All the things that people take for granted because they've never had the ability to do them ripped away in just a few days.
I want my body back. This one is painful and broken and alien to me.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Happy Birthday, Me!
Yup, the big day is here. I'm 38... woo hoo! Yes, I am excited to be 38. I'm excited to be alive. Excited to not have cancer. No, I'm absolutely ELATED to not have cancer!
Not doing much today, just going to relax and continue to enjoy life. Maybe I'll get really ambitious and do some cleaning. Woo hoo, big crazy plans. :)
Thanks once again to all that have emailed to wish me well. Each and every email I get brings me such joy and comfort... so, thank you!
Never Give Up
Not doing much today, just going to relax and continue to enjoy life. Maybe I'll get really ambitious and do some cleaning. Woo hoo, big crazy plans. :)
Thanks once again to all that have emailed to wish me well. Each and every email I get brings me such joy and comfort... so, thank you!
Never Give Up
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Health Update August 14
Hello all,
Here is the latest update on the giant tumor in my belly:
I have had a battery of tests, including a biopsy of my uterus, all of which have come back normal! Thank God, <taking a moment to actually thank Him>. It is not cancer, and that makes me grateful beyond grateful. I can handle anything with a smile on my face knowing I'm not battling the dreaded 'C' word.
Surgery to have a full hysterectomy and remove the tumor/tumors and my uterus was scheduled for this coming Monday, August 19th, but upon further testing, that has been postponed because my thyroid levels are dangerously low, and with good reason, my doctor will not perform the surgery until that is under control. So, a tiny little pill every day to sort that out is all I have to do, and once I'm back to "normal" we will reschedule the surgery.
I am very excited to have this surgery. I have wanted my uterus gone for many years. These fibroid tumors run in my family, and I have known I have at least two for some time now, so I figured one day it would be a good idea to just have it taken out. That day has come.
It's nice to fully understand why I've been feeling so awful these past couple of years. The weakness is explained by the tumor and my severe hypothyroidism. Actually, all of my recent symptoms are explained away by both of these issues, and it's really great knowing that will be fixed. My doctor is also referring me to a neurologist after my surgery to take a look at my condition and see if there is any way we can fix that too :)))
All in all, this is a good development in my life. I have a lot to do, and will have some recovery time after the surgery, but that's a walk in the park compared to what it could have been. I wake every morning with a smile on my face and thank God for sparing me. I'm not done being a mommy to my beautiful daughter yet, and I want to see my grand babies and do a lot more in this life -- whether I can walk normal or not.
Thank you to all of you who have already sent me well wishes! I appreciate it so much, and it's so nice to know there are so many wonderfully caring people in this world!
Never Give Up
Here is the latest update on the giant tumor in my belly:
I have had a battery of tests, including a biopsy of my uterus, all of which have come back normal! Thank God, <taking a moment to actually thank Him>. It is not cancer, and that makes me grateful beyond grateful. I can handle anything with a smile on my face knowing I'm not battling the dreaded 'C' word.
Surgery to have a full hysterectomy and remove the tumor/tumors and my uterus was scheduled for this coming Monday, August 19th, but upon further testing, that has been postponed because my thyroid levels are dangerously low, and with good reason, my doctor will not perform the surgery until that is under control. So, a tiny little pill every day to sort that out is all I have to do, and once I'm back to "normal" we will reschedule the surgery.
I am very excited to have this surgery. I have wanted my uterus gone for many years. These fibroid tumors run in my family, and I have known I have at least two for some time now, so I figured one day it would be a good idea to just have it taken out. That day has come.
It's nice to fully understand why I've been feeling so awful these past couple of years. The weakness is explained by the tumor and my severe hypothyroidism. Actually, all of my recent symptoms are explained away by both of these issues, and it's really great knowing that will be fixed. My doctor is also referring me to a neurologist after my surgery to take a look at my condition and see if there is any way we can fix that too :)))
All in all, this is a good development in my life. I have a lot to do, and will have some recovery time after the surgery, but that's a walk in the park compared to what it could have been. I wake every morning with a smile on my face and thank God for sparing me. I'm not done being a mommy to my beautiful daughter yet, and I want to see my grand babies and do a lot more in this life -- whether I can walk normal or not.
Thank you to all of you who have already sent me well wishes! I appreciate it so much, and it's so nice to know there are so many wonderfully caring people in this world!
Never Give Up
Monday, July 29, 2013
Long Time Gone
Wow, I realized today that I haven't posted anything worthwhile in a very long time, yet again. I don't know why I keep failing so miserably, but I would like to apologize again. Life just seems to go by so quickly anymore.
I'm not sure how I'm doing, exactly. I feel like I'm at such a stale-mate. I am having a really hard time getting motivated lately, and I don't know if it's because of a little bit of depression, or maybe health issues, or both. Whatever it is, I want it to stop, and I want to feel good and have energy and want to do things again.
I had an idea today for something that might work at getting me moving around more. I've been addicted to Pinterest lately, and I have a board called "Food" that has upwards of 300 recipes on it so far. I was thinking I would start with at least 1 recipe a week; make the dish, take a picture of it, post it here with my awesome wordiness attached, and then move it to a new board called "Finished", or something along those lines. I think it might be a good way to get me out of the house to get the ingredients, then of course moving around the kitchen to create whatever fabulous dish is up for that week, and maybe even some more exercise if I decide to share it and bring it to friends so I don't end up 300 pounds by the end of it all. And if I really got motivated I could do more than 1 a week, maybe even 3! I don't know. It's an idea.
What I do know is something needs to change for me, and I'm the only one who can make the changes. So, I better get my ass in gear and figure out what I'm going to do. I'm starting to get a little moldy like my apartment.
I'm not sure how I'm doing, exactly. I feel like I'm at such a stale-mate. I am having a really hard time getting motivated lately, and I don't know if it's because of a little bit of depression, or maybe health issues, or both. Whatever it is, I want it to stop, and I want to feel good and have energy and want to do things again.
I had an idea today for something that might work at getting me moving around more. I've been addicted to Pinterest lately, and I have a board called "Food" that has upwards of 300 recipes on it so far. I was thinking I would start with at least 1 recipe a week; make the dish, take a picture of it, post it here with my awesome wordiness attached, and then move it to a new board called "Finished", or something along those lines. I think it might be a good way to get me out of the house to get the ingredients, then of course moving around the kitchen to create whatever fabulous dish is up for that week, and maybe even some more exercise if I decide to share it and bring it to friends so I don't end up 300 pounds by the end of it all. And if I really got motivated I could do more than 1 a week, maybe even 3! I don't know. It's an idea.
What I do know is something needs to change for me, and I'm the only one who can make the changes. So, I better get my ass in gear and figure out what I'm going to do. I'm starting to get a little moldy like my apartment.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Day 161
I am so unbelievably excited and nervous to go back home this summer that I added a countdown timer to the top of my blog :-) I don't know if it helps, or makes it worse, but it's nice to know how much time I have left to prepare for the trip anyway.
I know the timer says "Time left to Minnesota", and earlier I posted that I would be going home to Grand Forks, North Dakota. I assure you they are the same place. I was born in Grand Forks, ND, but lived in East Grand Forks, MN. It's a little twin cities type set-up in northern Minnesota, with a river and a state line separating the two. So it's basically all the same place.
I can't help but go over the details of the trip repeatedly in my head. So much so that I could hardly sleep last night. It will definitely be all-consuming for the next 50 days.
Sometimes I am excited and feel strong and confident that I will be able to go without my chair, and other times I get really scared and start to feel the separation anxiety. In reality, I know I can do this, it's not a second thought as to whether or not I am physically capable. The only issues I will have will be the mental aspect, and I just need to start getting myself prepared for that now. I have depended on that chair for so many years that it's a natural reaction to want to reach for it when I get tired or when something is so far away I know it's going to take me a while to walk there. I have to get over that and learn to leave that chair right where it is and just go for it. People walk around with crutches and walkers all the time, and down here in Florida some of them are a LOT slower than me, so I have to stop worrying so much. I'm just so young that I get stared at a lot more, and then I get nervous, and then it's harder to focus on my walking. Must learn to block the looky-loos out.
Yesterday I started off kind of tired and weak with my walking, but I forced myself to push through it. I managed to do quite a bit without my chair like showering, making food, etc. These are things I will need to be able to do quite efficiently before I go. Making food is pretty easy as long as it's simple (easy meaning I don't have to sit down), and showering was fine as long as I have a shower chair to sit in while in the shower. For that obstacle, I will be buying myself a folding camping stool that folds to the size of my hand so I can carry it around with me in my backpack. This will be my shower chair, and emergency place to sit should I be somewhere without its own place to sit down. I know I will only be stronger and more in shape by the time I leave, but I want to be prepared and safe. My entire trip would be ruined should I fall and injure myself. As much as it pains me to even think about it, I am prepared for that, too. In the event that I should fall and injure myself, I will have to rent a wheelchair for my time up there. If the injury is so bad that I cannot manage to drive home, I will have to fly back home and go back up again when I've healed. This is all just plan D, because I know I will not fall.
I've made myself a checklist and will keep checking it and making sure I am fully prepared for the journey. I certainly wouldn't have to do all of this if I were going with my chair, but that's the fun part. The planning and the training are all part of the trip, and that makes it that much more exciting and fun. It's definitely hard work, but I have never been afraid of that!
So, once again today I will be walking as much as I possibly can. I am gradually working my way to not using the chair at all during the day, only at night for late-night bathroom trips. Eventually, I will get back to no inside chair like I was before my last major fall. I am much stronger and more confident now so another fall is a lot less likely, although still possible.
Step count today: 252
Steps I'm behind: 6,915
I know the timer says "Time left to Minnesota", and earlier I posted that I would be going home to Grand Forks, North Dakota. I assure you they are the same place. I was born in Grand Forks, ND, but lived in East Grand Forks, MN. It's a little twin cities type set-up in northern Minnesota, with a river and a state line separating the two. So it's basically all the same place.
I can't help but go over the details of the trip repeatedly in my head. So much so that I could hardly sleep last night. It will definitely be all-consuming for the next 50 days.
Sometimes I am excited and feel strong and confident that I will be able to go without my chair, and other times I get really scared and start to feel the separation anxiety. In reality, I know I can do this, it's not a second thought as to whether or not I am physically capable. The only issues I will have will be the mental aspect, and I just need to start getting myself prepared for that now. I have depended on that chair for so many years that it's a natural reaction to want to reach for it when I get tired or when something is so far away I know it's going to take me a while to walk there. I have to get over that and learn to leave that chair right where it is and just go for it. People walk around with crutches and walkers all the time, and down here in Florida some of them are a LOT slower than me, so I have to stop worrying so much. I'm just so young that I get stared at a lot more, and then I get nervous, and then it's harder to focus on my walking. Must learn to block the looky-loos out.
Yesterday I started off kind of tired and weak with my walking, but I forced myself to push through it. I managed to do quite a bit without my chair like showering, making food, etc. These are things I will need to be able to do quite efficiently before I go. Making food is pretty easy as long as it's simple (easy meaning I don't have to sit down), and showering was fine as long as I have a shower chair to sit in while in the shower. For that obstacle, I will be buying myself a folding camping stool that folds to the size of my hand so I can carry it around with me in my backpack. This will be my shower chair, and emergency place to sit should I be somewhere without its own place to sit down. I know I will only be stronger and more in shape by the time I leave, but I want to be prepared and safe. My entire trip would be ruined should I fall and injure myself. As much as it pains me to even think about it, I am prepared for that, too. In the event that I should fall and injure myself, I will have to rent a wheelchair for my time up there. If the injury is so bad that I cannot manage to drive home, I will have to fly back home and go back up again when I've healed. This is all just plan D, because I know I will not fall.
I've made myself a checklist and will keep checking it and making sure I am fully prepared for the journey. I certainly wouldn't have to do all of this if I were going with my chair, but that's the fun part. The planning and the training are all part of the trip, and that makes it that much more exciting and fun. It's definitely hard work, but I have never been afraid of that!
So, once again today I will be walking as much as I possibly can. I am gradually working my way to not using the chair at all during the day, only at night for late-night bathroom trips. Eventually, I will get back to no inside chair like I was before my last major fall. I am much stronger and more confident now so another fall is a lot less likely, although still possible.
Step count today: 252
Steps I'm behind: 6,915
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Day 128
It is a sweltering day here in Florida. The humidity is thick as butter today! Should make for an interesting cardio session later, especially when I add some weight to my chair for an even better workout.
I was tired yesterday, and lacking energy. We went to the trail to get in our miles, and I was struggling so I called it at one mile. I felt like such a pansy, but I guess my body was just having "one of those days". I know something is better than nothing, but it frustrates me when I feel like I just can't go on no matter how hard I try. For someone who is now doing three miles at a time, one mile just seems like defeat. I know it's not, but it seems like it.
Today will be better. I also need to get some more steps and crawling in today. It will be a busy day of working out so I can make up for being such a weakling yesterday ;^)
I can't wait to get out in the heat and sweat off some frustrations.
Step count today: 277
Steps I'm behind: 7,171
I was tired yesterday, and lacking energy. We went to the trail to get in our miles, and I was struggling so I called it at one mile. I felt like such a pansy, but I guess my body was just having "one of those days". I know something is better than nothing, but it frustrates me when I feel like I just can't go on no matter how hard I try. For someone who is now doing three miles at a time, one mile just seems like defeat. I know it's not, but it seems like it.
Today will be better. I also need to get some more steps and crawling in today. It will be a busy day of working out so I can make up for being such a weakling yesterday ;^)
I can't wait to get out in the heat and sweat off some frustrations.
Step count today: 277
Steps I'm behind: 7,171
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Day 118
I accomplished what I set out to do yesterday, minus the exercise bike. By the time I had done my five minutes of crawling I felt like I had just ran a marathon, and I still had to go do three miles in my chair, so I figured I'd save my strength. I am going to get on the bike today, however.
Apparently I'm getting in shape again since yesterday's three miles weren't necessarily a piece of cake, but it wasn't exactly hard either. During the three miles I felt the usual pains; shoulders and triceps burning, hating it at certain points, wanting to stop, but I pushed on. Afterward was when it didn't feel like I had really done anything. I was waiting for that "wow, I just did three miles" feeling to kick in and it never did. I guess my body is getting conditioned and I will need to pick up the pace a bit and start adding distance. YAY!
I will do some more crawling today and see if I can't go a little further. Although I did the five minutes yesterday, I had to break for a little bit about mid-point and let my arms go back in their sockets and catch my breath. I would like to see if I can go farther than 2 1/2 minutes before breaking. Yesterday it felt like I left my arms on the floor when I had finished, but I guess that means I'm getting a good workout :^)~
This crawling thing is proving to be a very hard workout, and I love it. I need to try to add as much every day as I can. Muscles are getting worked that don't normally do anything, even when I walk, so I am very happy about that. Between the walking, crawling, and miles in my chair I should be a rail in no time! A very muscular rail :^)
I'm a little less annoyed with people today. Yesterday was good -- I didn't have anybody bother me at the park -- even though there were lots of people there. That's how it should be. I realize that some people are just ignorant, or they just don't know any better, but that shouldn't be my problem, and just because I'm in a wheelchair it sometimes becomes my problem, and that makes me even more upset. There are days when I can take it with a grain of salt and brush it off as just another clueless person, and then there are days like the past few when I just get fed up with being nice all the time. I suppose with everything there has to be balance.
The good news is that for every person that says something stupid or does something stupid, there are countless others who totally "get it" and make my life enjoyable. People like my close friends who don't treat me any differently, yet quietly look out for me and keep my disability in mind. The cool people in my life who love me for me. The new people I have met over the past year who have turned out to be amazing, and the people I have known most of my life with whom I have recently renewed friendships. And, let's not forget those of you who support me and my effort to try to walk again. I could gush all day about you people. You know who you are (I hope), and I just want to say thanks. It's people like you who get people like me through every minute of every day.
Step count today: 341
Step's I'm behind: 6,708
Apparently I'm getting in shape again since yesterday's three miles weren't necessarily a piece of cake, but it wasn't exactly hard either. During the three miles I felt the usual pains; shoulders and triceps burning, hating it at certain points, wanting to stop, but I pushed on. Afterward was when it didn't feel like I had really done anything. I was waiting for that "wow, I just did three miles" feeling to kick in and it never did. I guess my body is getting conditioned and I will need to pick up the pace a bit and start adding distance. YAY!
I will do some more crawling today and see if I can't go a little further. Although I did the five minutes yesterday, I had to break for a little bit about mid-point and let my arms go back in their sockets and catch my breath. I would like to see if I can go farther than 2 1/2 minutes before breaking. Yesterday it felt like I left my arms on the floor when I had finished, but I guess that means I'm getting a good workout :^)~
This crawling thing is proving to be a very hard workout, and I love it. I need to try to add as much every day as I can. Muscles are getting worked that don't normally do anything, even when I walk, so I am very happy about that. Between the walking, crawling, and miles in my chair I should be a rail in no time! A very muscular rail :^)
I'm a little less annoyed with people today. Yesterday was good -- I didn't have anybody bother me at the park -- even though there were lots of people there. That's how it should be. I realize that some people are just ignorant, or they just don't know any better, but that shouldn't be my problem, and just because I'm in a wheelchair it sometimes becomes my problem, and that makes me even more upset. There are days when I can take it with a grain of salt and brush it off as just another clueless person, and then there are days like the past few when I just get fed up with being nice all the time. I suppose with everything there has to be balance.
The good news is that for every person that says something stupid or does something stupid, there are countless others who totally "get it" and make my life enjoyable. People like my close friends who don't treat me any differently, yet quietly look out for me and keep my disability in mind. The cool people in my life who love me for me. The new people I have met over the past year who have turned out to be amazing, and the people I have known most of my life with whom I have recently renewed friendships. And, let's not forget those of you who support me and my effort to try to walk again. I could gush all day about you people. You know who you are (I hope), and I just want to say thanks. It's people like you who get people like me through every minute of every day.
Step count today: 341
Step's I'm behind: 6,708
Monday, April 26, 2010
Day 116
Monday, Monday.
Here's hoping today is a better day -- as far as people are concerned -- than yesterday. When I go out to do the things I need to do, I hope everyone just minds their own business. Unless some fine looking man wants to come up and ask me out on a date, or someone wants to just make conversation, I prefer to be left alone. I'm not going to be so nice anymore, I'm just going to start insulting these people right back. I've had several comebacks over the years, but never used them. "What happened to you?", me: "nothing, I just got tired of walking." "OMG did you get in a car accident?", me: "Ya, I got hit by someone stupid like you." Oh, the list goes on and on, and usually I just clam up and wave them off, or I say "long story" and keep moving because I fear what I will really say if given the chance to let my anger take over. Now that my daughter is older she gets upset as well, which makes me even more upset. I can feel her tensing up, and that just makes my rage start bubbling, and I know that I need to get away, and fast. The things I could say to these people would leave them stunned and searching for the nearest dictionary. They would have no clue that I just insulted them, and their whole family, with just a few sentences.
Sometimes I think maybe I should just let loose and give them a piece of my mind. Maybe if I did, they wouldn't do the same stupid thing to another disabled person just trying to make it through another day. I have a feeling that with people like that it wouldn't matter what I said, they wouldn't get it anyway. If they don't already understand that you don't just go up to someone who has already suffered enough and start prying into their personal business just because you're curious, then they more than likely never will, and no amount of my words or time will change them.
Most of the time I can laugh it off and just keep remembering that they are clueless, but there are those days when it's just not the right day to F with me. The kind of day like yesterday when I wasn't having the greatest of days to begin with, and the whole reason I was at the park working my ass off was to help calm my nerves, and release stress and excess energy. It's like when I have to pee really bad and there is someone in my stall using the sink and mirror to do their makeup... If looks could kill, my body count would be in the triple digits.
Step count today: 0
Steps I'm behind: 6,855
Here's hoping today is a better day -- as far as people are concerned -- than yesterday. When I go out to do the things I need to do, I hope everyone just minds their own business. Unless some fine looking man wants to come up and ask me out on a date, or someone wants to just make conversation, I prefer to be left alone. I'm not going to be so nice anymore, I'm just going to start insulting these people right back. I've had several comebacks over the years, but never used them. "What happened to you?", me: "nothing, I just got tired of walking." "OMG did you get in a car accident?", me: "Ya, I got hit by someone stupid like you." Oh, the list goes on and on, and usually I just clam up and wave them off, or I say "long story" and keep moving because I fear what I will really say if given the chance to let my anger take over. Now that my daughter is older she gets upset as well, which makes me even more upset. I can feel her tensing up, and that just makes my rage start bubbling, and I know that I need to get away, and fast. The things I could say to these people would leave them stunned and searching for the nearest dictionary. They would have no clue that I just insulted them, and their whole family, with just a few sentences.
Sometimes I think maybe I should just let loose and give them a piece of my mind. Maybe if I did, they wouldn't do the same stupid thing to another disabled person just trying to make it through another day. I have a feeling that with people like that it wouldn't matter what I said, they wouldn't get it anyway. If they don't already understand that you don't just go up to someone who has already suffered enough and start prying into their personal business just because you're curious, then they more than likely never will, and no amount of my words or time will change them.
Most of the time I can laugh it off and just keep remembering that they are clueless, but there are those days when it's just not the right day to F with me. The kind of day like yesterday when I wasn't having the greatest of days to begin with, and the whole reason I was at the park working my ass off was to help calm my nerves, and release stress and excess energy. It's like when I have to pee really bad and there is someone in my stall using the sink and mirror to do their makeup... If looks could kill, my body count would be in the triple digits.
Step count today: 0
Steps I'm behind: 6,855
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Day 42
(edited to reflect the right day - day 42, not 41)
My computer crashed yesterday mid-walk so I wrote my steps down and had to update it today. My weight machine also took a dump yesterday so I did 1 set of 15 reps with 5 lbs and that was the end of that.
I really want a bowflex machine.
Step count today: 296
My computer crashed yesterday mid-walk so I wrote my steps down and had to update it today. My weight machine also took a dump yesterday so I did 1 set of 15 reps with 5 lbs and that was the end of that.
I really want a bowflex machine.
Step count today: 296
Thursday, September 3, 2009
80 Steps At A Time
Some people train to run marathons, I'll settle for walking 100ft on my own power.
It has been 12 years since I have walked unassisted on my own power. I have been using a wheelchair that long. I was afflicted with Guillain-Barre Syndrome in December of 1997, and since then my arms have returned (and then some) but my lower half took a bit longer. Instead of trying hard and working hard, I became angry and gave up. I sat in my chair and pitied myself for years, eating and drinking all the wrong things, and getting no exercise.
This is not who I really am. The real me would never allow me to get this bad. The real me is a fighter and a winner and never gives up. The real me is back and ready to kick some butt.
I am able to walk with crutches, a walker, canes, or anything I can put my weight on and still feel stable. When I say "able", I use that term very loosely as it's one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do in my life to just take one step. My legs, abs, back, ankles, knees... everything hurts and everything is very weak. But I trudge on, heaving and pushing and trying, finally.
I decided one day to just start walking more. I figured I should set a goal for myself rather than just wing it with no set plan. I started by parking my outside chair in my garage and walking to my house. The distance is 80 steps, and so was born "80 steps at a time". I did this until the rainy season hit Florida and then moved the walking inside. I now use my walker indoors and on average walk 300 steps a day, some days I walk as much as 1,000.
If the mantra "no pain no gain" is true, then I must be really gaining! Yes, it is painful, and yes it is very difficult, but after years of sitting on my ass I figure I deserve to feel the pain. Afterall, feeling pain is good right?
It has been 12 years since I have walked unassisted on my own power. I have been using a wheelchair that long. I was afflicted with Guillain-Barre Syndrome in December of 1997, and since then my arms have returned (and then some) but my lower half took a bit longer. Instead of trying hard and working hard, I became angry and gave up. I sat in my chair and pitied myself for years, eating and drinking all the wrong things, and getting no exercise.
This is not who I really am. The real me would never allow me to get this bad. The real me is a fighter and a winner and never gives up. The real me is back and ready to kick some butt.
I am able to walk with crutches, a walker, canes, or anything I can put my weight on and still feel stable. When I say "able", I use that term very loosely as it's one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do in my life to just take one step. My legs, abs, back, ankles, knees... everything hurts and everything is very weak. But I trudge on, heaving and pushing and trying, finally.
I decided one day to just start walking more. I figured I should set a goal for myself rather than just wing it with no set plan. I started by parking my outside chair in my garage and walking to my house. The distance is 80 steps, and so was born "80 steps at a time". I did this until the rainy season hit Florida and then moved the walking inside. I now use my walker indoors and on average walk 300 steps a day, some days I walk as much as 1,000.
If the mantra "no pain no gain" is true, then I must be really gaining! Yes, it is painful, and yes it is very difficult, but after years of sitting on my ass I figure I deserve to feel the pain. Afterall, feeling pain is good right?
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