Spring Fever

Pain had to take a backseat today as I took to the trail and got some much needed exercise. Although only 45 degrees outside and pretty wet, it was a very beautiful ride with a great friend. By the end we both just felt alive. Breathing in that cold, crisp air really gives a person a nice boost of energy and just makes you feel clean and refreshed.

We are excited for more upcoming rides just like today. I appreciate the company and the distraction from my misery, and the exercise helps me to feel somewhat human again.

Me And Mini

Me and my beautiful little Mini Me


I remember a day when I hated taking pictures, and today I had a flash of how I used to feel when my daughter wanted to take a pic for her "snap chat".  I told her to send it to me, fully anticipating hating it and feeling like the proverbial cow.  After she sent it, and I cringed a little while I took the time to unlock my phone and open it, I was pleasantly surprised.  Yes, although my hair and makeup aren't done and I look like a bit of  zombie in that area, I do not look fat.  I am actually starting to look how I want to look -- healthy.  And, in case you were wondering what I used to look like, and why I became camera-phobic for a while, here is a "before" picture taken at my heaviest weight -- ever:



Yup, this is me, at my heaviest (2009) 215 pounds

It's hard to believe I was ever even that big, considering I've always been a bit of a health nut and exercise fiend.  After I got sick I lost myself for a while and simply didn't care.  I felt so restricted because of my disability, that I got a mad case of the fuck-its and decided I would eat and drink whatever I wanted.  Nothing else, and nobody else, was going to tell me otherwise -- no matter how many times the "dryer shrunk my clothes". 

I remember how difficult everything was back then.  How, even just doing laundry or getting in and out of my car were major chores.  I mean, I was carrying around 80 extra pounds, it's no wonder!  And on a body that barely works in the first place!  That is just not something I am willing to do for very long, and not the kind of person I've ever really been (even if I did slip a little for a while).

For those of you who are curious, this is what I'm used to looking like and the kind of person I've always actually been:

Before GBS (1996)  145 pounds

One year after GBS (1999) 155 pounds

 

 

I would be happy with the 155 weight, if that's where I end up after working out and eating right (and after my surgery, of course).  I'm not far from there now considering how much extra I'm carrying in my uterus right now.  I actually really want the 145 weight.  That's when I was at my peak physically.  I was fit and strong.  I actually ate food and never, ever starved myself.  That was a good time in my life and I plan to get that back.

 

 

 

 

Never Give Up

New And Improved Me: Day 1

So today is day 1 of my new and improved me plan, and so far I've done quite well.  I'm sticking to healthy and clean eating (aside from those few small spoons full of my homemade baked beans), and I've managed to squeeze in some "me" improvements like dying my greys away and clipping my nails and toe nails.  I think as women, we tend to forget the importance of the little things that just make us feel good, and when we feel good, we want to continue to do things to make ourselves feel, and look, even better.  Whenever I dye my hair, paint my nails, give myself a full body scrub and then lotion; I always manage to eat better as well.  I figure if I'm going to take the time to do the outer physical improvements, then I should do it right and take the time for the inner improvements as well.

As a single mother, I know I tend to let my needs go by the wayside in lieu of taking care of my child's needs first.  Now that I'm getting older, and so is she, I am realizing how much I have neglected myself over the years!  Although I'll never stop being a mom, no matter how old she gets, it's time to start taking better care of myself.  Afterall, if I'm ok, she'll be ok. So, with this pending surgery will come a new found respect for myself and some more steps in creating a new and even better "me".

On the agenda for the rest of my day will be eating a healthy supper; most likely oatmeal with unsweetened almond milk, sliced bananas, cinnamon, and stevia for sweetener.  I know that doesn't sound like a "normal" supper, but it's what I'm craving and it's certainly healthy and low cal so I'm going for it.  Once I've eaten I can take my supplements which include an Omega 3 fish oil, Vitamin C made from Rose Hips, Zinc, Vitamin E, and half a multi-vitamin.  If I get snacky later I will turn to a banana.  Once my food digests a little, I will try to squeeze in a couple yoga poses for some light stretching, and to see what I am capable of doing.

It will be nice to start off my Monday on the right foot.



Never Give Up

A New And Improved Me

Today is the first day of another new "me".  With a pending surgery, I am already on a path of body cleansing and weight loss, and today is just another day on that path, but my resolve is just that much stronger. 

I have a doctor's appointment this Tuesday (August 27, 2013) with the Endocrinologist to see how my thyroid is functioning.  That appointment will determine whether we can move forward with surgery, or whether we have to wait a bit longer until my thyroid gets under control.  Either way, I'm on a mission to be as prepared as possible for surgery.

Besides eating cleaner, eating less, drinking more water, and attempting to detox, I am also taking supplements in hopes that I can boost my immune system and healing capabilities so that I'm not only in tip-top shape for the surgery itself, but so that I can heal up in the best and healthiest way afterward.  I would like to come away from this surgery feeling energized and refreshed.  Considering I will be losing a giant tumor, among other smaller tumors within my uterus, and my uterus itself, I am pretty sure I'll be feeling lighter and healthier just by that alone.  So, if I'm as healthy and light as I can be by then, I will just be walking on air when I get home.  I'm sure losing the organ and the tumors will most likely shed 10 pounds, maybe more, maybe less.  No matter what the poundage, it's certainly going to relieve all this pressure and pain in that area.

So, now that I've mastered homemade baked beans, I will put the unhealthier creative cooking aside and work on healthy creative cooking for now.  With Fall and the holidays coming, I will have plenty of chances to satisfy my desire for cooking all things bad for me :)  At least then I can share them with friends and family and get them out of my kitchen so I'm not tempted.  Maybe by then I'll be in good enough shape that I can indulge a bit as well. 

I'm thinking I also need to start stretching more to gain a bit more flexibility, but also to relieve some of the pain in my lower half that I am sure is cause by tension and tightness of the muscles and ligaments.  I've been browsing Pinterest for Yoga positions and the like in hopes that I can find at least a few that I am actually capable of doing.  It's really sad that there aren't more Pins, or just information in general, available to those of us who can't do the "normal" Yoga poses and are limited to just a few.  Maybe that should become my next project?  Create a Yoga plan for disabled people.  Maybe I will.  After all the effort I will be putting in to finding poses and stretches that I can actually do, I might as well share my findings with others.



Never Give Up

Long Time Gone

Wow, I realized today that I haven't posted anything worthwhile in a very long time, yet again.  I don't know why I keep failing so miserably, but I would like to apologize again.  Life just seems to go by so quickly anymore.

I'm not sure how I'm doing, exactly.  I feel like I'm at such a stale-mate.  I am having a really hard time getting motivated lately, and I don't know if it's because of a little bit of depression, or maybe health issues, or both.  Whatever it is, I want it to stop, and I want to feel good and have energy and want to do things again.

I had an idea today for something that might work at getting me moving around more.  I've been addicted to Pinterest lately, and I have a board called "Food" that has upwards of 300 recipes on it so far.  I was thinking I would start with at least 1 recipe a week; make the dish, take a picture of it, post it here with my awesome wordiness attached, and then move it to a new board called "Finished", or something along those lines.  I think it might be a good way to get me out of the house to get the ingredients, then of course moving around the kitchen to create whatever fabulous dish is up for that week, and maybe even some more exercise if I decide to share it and bring it to friends so I don't end up 300 pounds by the end of it all.  And if I really got motivated I could do more than 1 a week, maybe even 3!  I don't know.  It's an idea.

What I do know is something needs to change for me, and I'm the only one who can make the changes.  So, I better get my ass in gear and figure out what I'm going to do.  I'm starting to get a little moldy like my apartment.

Day 196

I spent some time reflecting yesterday.  I was waist deep in a renovation project and had plenty of time to think.  I decided yesterday would be a good day to finish the new floor in my pantry, remove all the old shelves to make room for the new, and paint the walls.  While sitting on the floor measuring and fitting tiles, I started to think about the progression my body has taken during my journey to walking on my own power.  It's definitely not quite as simple as just getting some long-dormant muscles stronger.  There is much more to it than that, and when I stop think about it, I am in awe at how amazing, and possible things are in relation to the human body and its recovery.

The years I spent sitting in a wheelchair, I didn't often use my legs for much.  I had become so used to them being weak and unusable that I adapted to using my arms for everything.  They basically did nothing more than get in my way.  What a person doesn't realize is when this happens, it's not just the muscles that become dormant, but it's your brain, and the signals your brain sends, that suffer as well.  It's like a blind person whose other senses are refined;  the brain disconnects from whatever part of the body is not being used so that it may focus its energies on the parts of the body that need it most. 

Thinking about this process reminds me of my days in ICU when I was connected to a ventilator.  My diaphragm was paralyzed and I was unable to breathe on my own.  I was on a ventilator for a total of 34 days, and in that short period of time, my brain forgot how to breathe.  When I regained the use of that muscle, I had to consciously think to myself "OK, breathe" in order to take every single breath.  Imagine that for a minute.  On average, a healthy adult at rest will take 12 breaths per minute.  So twelve times per minute, I had to tell myself to breathe.  At night I had to be reconnected to the ventilator.  It only took a few days before the involuntary response kicked back in and I no longer had to think about it, but those few days really taught me the meaning of "learning how to breathe all over again".

The same is true for every other part of my body that was affected by this illness.  To this day, I have to consciously think about lifting up my foot when I walk.  My right leg can pretty much do it on its own, but my left still drags if I don't say in my head "OK, pick up your foot".  It's like disconnecting your car radio:  it's not going to work unless you reconnect those wires.  I have to think about almost everything I do until it becomes involuntary once again.  My brain has to reconnect the wires.  I always used to think that if I could move it and feel it, I should be using it.  Shame on me for not, but now I am learning how to walk all over again.

It really puts into perspective the length of time it takes to recover from any injury, and especially one that completely shut my entire body down.  I can remember when trying to lift a 1-pound dumbbell seemed like the hardest thing I ever had to do, now my arms are so strong grown men have arm-wrestled me -- and lost.

It renews my hope that one day I will be looking back and saying "I remember when I could barely walk 300 steps" as I'm running down the beach, and it reaffirms the mantra I play over and over in my head --  Never Give Up!



Step count today:  936

Steps I'm behind:  5,596

Day 166

So, I've been gone again for a few days.  I received some terrible news recently that my best friend passed away, and I needed to deal with that.  I'm not sure how to deal with it, really.  At first I was all over the place with my emotions, bordering on a panic attack many times, until I found out it was what she wanted, then I think I found my peace.

Susan battled with cancer for a very long time.  She was a strong fighting champion, and if you just met her, you would never know what she was really going through.  She always had a bright, sunny smile and nice things to say.  Her death came so suddenly, I assumed the cancer had finally taken over and she had lost her battle, but in reality, she won.  She decided it was time, and she didn't want to suffer anymore.  She took her life into her own hands like she always had and made the decision to let nature take its course.  I always admired her for her courage and willingness to do what needed to be done.  I know that she just knew this was going to continue to be a very long, hard battle, and the only way she would come out a winner was to decide when and how she finally let go.  That takes enormous strength, something Susan definitely possessed.  I will miss her terribly, but I am so glad she has found her peace in this world and I look forward to the day when I see her again.

So now that I am able to function a bit more normally, I am back to my walking routine.  I bought myself some new shoes yesterday, and today I am wearing them without my foot brace just to see how my left foot does.

I have even more reason to work even harder now.  Susan always cheered me on and always believed in me, and I will never let her down.  I can feel her gently coaxing me, telling me I can do it and to never give up!

Step count today:  215

Steps I'm behind:  7,745

Day 161

I am so unbelievably excited and nervous to go back home this summer that I added a countdown timer to the top of my blog :-) I don't know if it helps, or makes it worse, but it's nice to know how much time I have left to prepare for the trip anyway.

I know the timer says "Time left to Minnesota", and earlier I posted that I would be going home to Grand Forks, North Dakota. I assure you they are the same place.  I was born in Grand Forks, ND, but lived in East Grand Forks, MN.  It's a little twin cities type set-up in northern Minnesota, with a river and a state line separating the two.  So it's basically all the same place. 

I can't help but go over the details of the trip repeatedly in my head.  So much so that I could hardly sleep last night.  It will definitely be all-consuming for the next 50 days.

Sometimes I am excited and feel strong and confident that I will be able to go without my chair, and other times I get really scared and start to feel the separation anxiety.  In reality, I know I can do this, it's not a second thought as to whether or not I am physically capable.  The only issues I will have will be the mental aspect, and I just need to start getting myself prepared for that now.  I have depended on that chair for so many years that it's a natural reaction to want to reach for it when I get tired or when something is so far away I know it's going to take me a while to walk there.  I have to get over that and learn to leave that chair right where it is and just go for it.  People walk around with crutches and walkers all the time, and down here in Florida some of them are a LOT slower than me, so I have to stop worrying so much.  I'm just so young that I get stared at a lot more, and then I get nervous, and then it's harder to focus on my walking.  Must learn to block the looky-loos out.

Yesterday I started off kind of tired and weak with my walking, but I forced myself to push through it.  I managed to do quite a bit without my chair like showering, making food, etc.  These are things I will need to be able to do quite efficiently before I go.  Making food is pretty easy as long as it's simple (easy meaning I don't have to sit down), and showering was fine as long as I have a shower chair to sit in while in the shower.  For that obstacle, I will be buying myself a folding camping stool that folds to the size of my hand so I can carry it around with me in my backpack.  This will be my shower chair, and emergency place to sit should I be somewhere without its own place to sit down.  I know I will only be stronger and more in shape by the time I leave, but I want to be prepared and safe.  My entire trip would be ruined should I fall and injure myself.  As much as it pains me to even think about it, I am prepared for that, too.  In the event that I should fall and injure myself, I will have to rent a wheelchair for my time up there.  If the injury is so bad that I cannot manage to drive home, I will have to fly back home and go back up again when I've healed.  This is all just plan D, because I know I will not fall.

I've made myself a checklist and will keep checking it and making sure I am fully prepared for the journey.  I certainly wouldn't have to do all of this if I were going with my chair, but that's the fun part.  The planning and the training are all part of the trip, and that makes it that much more exciting and fun.  It's definitely hard work, but I have never been afraid of that!

So, once again today I will be walking as much as I possibly can.  I am gradually working my way to not using the chair at all during the day, only at night for late-night bathroom trips.  Eventually, I will get back to no inside chair like I was before my last major fall.  I am much stronger and more confident now so another fall is a lot less likely, although still possible.

Step count today:  252
Steps I'm behind:  6,915

Day 160

So, it's official, I will be going up north to see my family this summer!  I am very excited about this new development, and have a lot of work and planning to do as I will be going sans chair!  That's right, I will be taking a walker only... eek!

I did very well walking yesterday, and I did it all barefoot, something that has been quite difficult for me over the course of this journey.  The last time I tried walking barefoot for any length of time (over 400 steps or so), my feet would get very fatigued and then turn inward onto my arches and I did not have the strength to get them back straight.  To prevent this, I would simply wear my sneakers and my foot brace.  Yesterday, I didn't need the shoes, or the brace, and I did rather well considering I walked over 800 steps in a somewhat short period of time!

Going on such a long trip without my wheels is something I would have never thought of doing even two months ago.  I have come so far that it's almost unbelievable.  This will be a huge trip, and something I need to start planning for today, but I am up for the challenge!  I'm strong and capable, and I will do this.

The biggest obstacle I see as of now is the airport.  I will have to get there several hours early to be sure they have a chair available to get me through the vast expanse of the airport, to the gate, and on the plane.  No problem there, it just takes planning.  The other obstacle will of course be fatigue, but provided I bust ass walking from now until then, I will do nothing but get into better shape than I am now, and I could do the trip now if I had to.

I will of course be in constant motion up north, going from place to place trying to see as many people as I can while I'm there, but there will always be time to sit and visit, and rest.

Who knows, maybe by then (seven weeks from now) I will be able to just take some crutches.  Those would be easier to transport, although as of now they are not easier to walk with, so time will tell.

The big event will be the trip home.  I am driving.  Driving is the easy part, it's the stops and the walking that's the hard part.  Although, after hours of being on the road, the stretching and moving around will no doubt feel good.

Besides, how can I possibly not be happy on the trip home when THIS is what I will be driving:

And P.S., the lavender house in the background is the house I grew up in!  My cousins own it now.  Yes, it has been that color since I can remember.

I am just vibrating with excitement right now.  Time to get to work!

Step count today:  726

Steps I'm behind:  6,893

Day 159

I know, I know, I've been away for a few days.  That doesn't mean I didn't walk or keep track, however.

This past weekend I took some more time on my living room painting project.  I am still in the prep-work phase, but it's getting there.  It's a big living room, and a big project.  We're talking full renovation here, not just slapping on a coat of paint.  I am removing all the trim, which will be replaced later with real wood instead of the plastic that was up there prior, and the actual painting will consist of two coats of primer (the walls are very dry and very dirty) followed by two to three coats of paint.  Plus the ceiling.  Phew!

So needless to say I've been a busy girl, and continue to stay busy, which I like.  If I have nothing to do I get very bored, very easily, and that's when I become destructive.  Idle hands...

So, today I will be getting in some good walking numbers.  Today is one of those days that I put on my sneakers and come sit at my desk, and then intermittently get up and go walk for 50-150 steps at a time.

Step count today:  856

Steps I'm behind:  7,329

P.S.  All of today's steps were done barefoot.  Woo Hoo!

Day 153

It was a long holiday weekend, and the down-time, and chance to do what I wanted with my time, was much needed.

Yesterday was a long busy day of catch-up from the weekend.  Isn't that always how it goes?  We end up needing a vacation from our vacation.

Today it's back to the grindstone.  I will be giving her hell on the step count once again!  Although the rest felt good, I'm anxious to get back at it.  I still got in a few steps here and there, but nothing like I do on a normal walking day. 



Step count today:  325

Steps I'm behind:  7,578

Day 148

I took the past couple of days off of walking.  To be honest, I just didn't want to, and I needed the rest.  My legs have been screaming at me, and I know when to listen.

I am sure that most of you have heard about Matt, the man who quit his job to go "walkabout" across the US from New York to Oregon, but just in case you've just come out from under your rock:

http://www.imjustwalkin.com/

Most people only dream of doing something like what Matt is doing.  I am one of them.  I think his journey is amazing, and I only wish I had the ability to do the same.  The sites he has seen, and the people he has encountered, are incredible.  I'm just blown away by the whole thing.  If I had the resources, I would travel to him and walk beside him as long as I could.

So, after staying up until the wee hours of the morning reading every post and looking at every picture Matt has posted along his journey so far, I am now filled with wanderlust.  The best I can do to cure it is walk in my home and add to my step count, then maybe hit the park later for some much needed cardio.

Step count today:  520

Steps I'm behind:  7,064

Day 141

After walking 1,103 steps yesterday, my left hip is hurting me a bit today.  I also suffered with a terrible leg spasm all -- night -- long.  My left leg spasmed hard, and quite painfully, from the time I laid down until the time I got up in the morning.  I'm sure it's just the extra movement, or it's pissed off, or whatever.  All I know is it was painful, I couldn't sleep, and it was terribly annoying.

So today I thought I would take it a bit easier in the step department, although I don't seem to be doing that as of yet.

Step count today:  713

Steps I'm behind:  6,624

Day 140

The day after I did my 1,031 steps, I took a break.  I had company coming, so I had to clean all day, and my legs were feeling the affects from the day before, so I figured it was a good time to rest and let the muscles repair themselves.  Yesterday, I took as many steps as I could muster, but after having company and not getting much sleep, I did just below my daily requirement and then called it.  I figured it's best to be a little short, than fall and get behind even further.

Today will be my day to attempt to squeeze in 1,000 again, and do three miles in my chair.  The miles are getting easier and easier, as I get in better and better shape.  The better shape I am in, the longer distances I can walk before becoming fatigued.  It's all such a great process, and I love how it's making my body feel.  I've always had a strong ticker, and I love that it's getting even stronger with all the cardio I am doing.  It's going to need to be strong to once again pump blood through 6' of standing me!

So, it's off to the races today.  The last thousand steps I did made me feel so accomplished and proud that I just can't wait to get another thousand down.

Step count today:  1103

Steps I'm behind:  7,063

Day 137

Between a visit from my father, and my daughter's 8th grade dance, I missed a few days of walking.  I know I shouldn't let life get in the way like that, but sometimes it does.  I just don't quite move fast enough yet to be able to slow down on those busy days, and walk.  Besides, I think the rest does me good.  I am doing great with the step count today, and am almost to my goal!  I feel strong and motivated and I love it!

Shooting for 1,000 today!

Step count today:  1,031

Steps I'm behind:  7,614

Day 132

It has been a great walking day today.  My legs feel strong, and thinking back to how I used to walk, I am taking much more normal steps with a more normal stride.  I can also walk a lot further before becoming fatigued, both in my arms and my legs.  I will shoot for 400 steps a day for the rest of May, and I can't wait to see how much I progress after that!



Step count today:  579

Steps I'm behind:  7,275

Getting Motivated - Day 131

I'm having a hard time getting motivated today.  It happens sometimes -- days when I feel like not doing much.  They are rare, but they happen.  Today is certainly one of those days.

So what do you do when you can't seem to find the motivation to do what needs to be done?

Me?  I try not to think about it and just get in "robot" mode, and do it.  Once I start, it seems I forget all about being lazy and unmotivated, and I'm off to the races.

So, the biggest hurdle is that initial hump.  That little push we need to get started.  Afterall, energy breeds energy, so once you are up and moving you will remain up and moving.

Some days my coffee is enough, some days I need something else.  Today, I strapped on my Livestrong bracelet so that the sight of it on my wrist will make me feel even lazier if I don't get up and get started on something (I mean Lance Armstrong rides for like five hours at a time!).  I need to do some crawling, it has been a few days, and I definitely need to do some walking.  Maybe the power of Lance will inject me with the energy I need to accomplish those tasks.

On other days it seems no matter what I do, I just can't summon the energy it takes to do anything.  Those are the days I listen to my body and take it easy.  Afterall, even God rested one day out of seven.

Food is good energy, too.  I just had some of my famous boneless wings (no breading) and a big glass of water. 

It's off to the races I go...

Step count today:  413

Steps I'm behind:  7,580 (eeks!)

I found this and thought I would add it as a tasty treat of motivation:

Yes, that is me, about 13 years ago shortly before my illness.  My motivation.

Day 128

It is a sweltering day here in Florida.  The humidity is thick as butter today!  Should make for an interesting cardio session later, especially when I add some weight to my chair for an even better workout.

I was tired yesterday, and lacking energy.  We went to the trail to get in our miles, and I was struggling so I called it at one mile.  I felt like such a pansy, but I guess my body was just having "one of those days".  I know something is better than nothing, but it frustrates me when I feel like I just can't go on no matter how hard I try.  For someone who is now doing three miles at a time, one mile just seems like defeat.  I know it's not, but it seems like it.

Today will be better.  I also need to get some more steps and crawling in today.  It will be a busy day of working out so I can make up for being such a weakling yesterday ;^)

I can't wait to get out in the heat and sweat off some frustrations.

Step count today:  277

Steps I'm behind:  7,171

Day 126

I celebrated Cinco de Mayo yesterday with five miles.  That's the first five mile "roll" I've done since I began training.  It felt great! 

The only downside I can see to doing so much cardio is that it has increased my energy levels exponentially, and now all I want to do is get out there and do more cardio.  I am finding mundane everyday tasks boring and effortless.  These are all good developments, it's just going to take some getting used to.  I am learning to manage the higher energy levels, but I never thought it would be so hard to do.  I'm suddenly like Speedy Gonzales on steroids... ZOOM!

Getting in shape has never felt so good, and with each pound that comes off, and each mile I add to my workout, I notice how much easier it is  to walk and crawl.  I still have my "off" days of course, but I can really start to feel results and I'm loving it.  It has become my way of life that every single day I have to do something to work up a sweat, and something that makes me use my body more than the day before.  It's as if I'm 21 again (I wish). 

Today will be no exception.  Once this coffee kicks in I'm off to do something good.

Step count today:  250

Steps I'm behind:  7,175

Day 124

My legs hurt like hell today.  I guess that's a good thing, but it doesn't make the pain any more bearable. 

I think I'm having an all around "I feel like crap" day.  We all get them.  Today is mine.  I own it.  Maybe I need a nap.

The heat is insane here in Florida.  It's like Mother Nature woke up and forgot what month we're in.  Someone needs to tell her she's way off.  I would, but I'm too busy being lazy.

Must... go... do... something... productive...



Step count today:  50

Steps I'm behind:  7,157