Saturday, July 31, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I'm in love
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Minnesota
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34 000 Feet
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On the plane trying to stay awake and keep my composure.
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Off to MN!
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Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Goodbye Old Friend
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| May I be strong enough upon my return to allow you to go be someone else's companion |
Day 207: My Climb Begins
Today is the day I head off on my journey. My Everest. I decided instead of staying up all night and ending up with tired, swollen and painful feet and legs, I would get a room closer to the airport and stay the night. It's added expense that I really can't afford, but in my situation, I just have to figure it into the cost of the trip.
My plane takes off at 7:05am tomorrow morning, but the airport is close to two hours from where I live. Add to that the need to be at the airport two hours before my flight, and it means we would have had to leave my house at 3am. I'm not good at sleeping during the day, or sleeping any other time than my usual hours, so it would have really sent my internal clock into a tail spin. Not a good thing to do right before a trip like this.
The good news is we are going to get to the hotel early enough today that we can enjoy some sun and pool time.
I'm not sure how much internet access I will have over the next week. I will be visiting with family and friends in my home town, and where I am staying I know for a fact there isn't internet. I will update via cell phone often, but that limits me a bit so my walking ticker will have to hold off until I have internet access.
We are leaving Grand Forks, ND on Wednesday, August 4th and will begin our road-trip. At that point I will be able to update via hotel wi-fi throughout the trip until I hit New Hampshire where I will be out in the woods and may even have limited cell service.
No matter what, I can promise you every chance I get I'll bring you up to speed on how I'm doing and how many steps I'm taking per day (it's going to be a LOT). I will also take plenty of photos and share our experiences along the way!
Four hours to go until I leave my wheels behind.
Wish me luck!
My plane takes off at 7:05am tomorrow morning, but the airport is close to two hours from where I live. Add to that the need to be at the airport two hours before my flight, and it means we would have had to leave my house at 3am. I'm not good at sleeping during the day, or sleeping any other time than my usual hours, so it would have really sent my internal clock into a tail spin. Not a good thing to do right before a trip like this.
The good news is we are going to get to the hotel early enough today that we can enjoy some sun and pool time.
I'm not sure how much internet access I will have over the next week. I will be visiting with family and friends in my home town, and where I am staying I know for a fact there isn't internet. I will update via cell phone often, but that limits me a bit so my walking ticker will have to hold off until I have internet access.
We are leaving Grand Forks, ND on Wednesday, August 4th and will begin our road-trip. At that point I will be able to update via hotel wi-fi throughout the trip until I hit New Hampshire where I will be out in the woods and may even have limited cell service.
No matter what, I can promise you every chance I get I'll bring you up to speed on how I'm doing and how many steps I'm taking per day (it's going to be a LOT). I will also take plenty of photos and share our experiences along the way!
Four hours to go until I leave my wheels behind.
Wish me luck!
Monday, July 26, 2010
Day 206: The Send-Off
For our vacation send off we spent some time with a couple of my friends. We took a little adventure to Clearwater Beach and had some good food and good times. My last hoorah before I begin my "climb".
Oh yeah, and we dropped our baby off at the dog-sitter. Bye Maggie! And goodbye Florida for two weeks!
Step count today: 52
Steps I'm behind: 3,448
Oh yeah, and we dropped our baby off at the dog-sitter. Bye Maggie! And goodbye Florida for two weeks!
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| Maggie and Megan: taking our little baby to the dog-sitter |
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| Richard and Daniel - on our way to Clearwater Beach, FL |
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| Me and Mini-Me (Megan) |
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| Richard and Me at Frenchy's, Clearwater Beach, FL |
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| Megan and Daniel |
Step count today: 52
Steps I'm behind: 3,448
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Mt. Everest
I'm officially nervous and I think my stomach has turned itself inside out. Two days and 22+ hours from now I will be on a plane headed to Minnesota; chair-less.
The palms of my hands are beginning to chafe, and I'm hoping this will callous up in a day or two. If not, I may have to bring out my ugly gloves. Without my hands I don't have much left to get me around.
I can remember when I could have thrown a few clothes into a duffel bag and flown off to wherever I wanted, no planning necessary. Those days are long gone.
This expedition I am taking, I am comparing to what it must feel like when someone prepares to climb Mt. Everest. I might not be climbing 29,035 ft., but it's probably going to feel like it just with more oxygen.
This is my Everest. I've climbed the bridge at the park and labeled that my Everest, but I'm officially claiming this trip as my Everest. The work, and planning, and focus it will take to pull this off deserve nothing less.
I'm facing two weeks of doing everything differently. I will no longer have the security of "oh I'll just take my chair". Long distances are going to give me a pit in my stomach and a bead of sweat on my brow. Every time I step out of my car at a rest area I'm going to be mentally sizing up how far I will have to walk before I can use the bathroom. Every hotel is going to be a challenge if they can't get me a room close enough to where I park. Everything I do from the moment I leave that chair behind is going to be nothing less than hard work.
Imagine facing Everest for the first time... Exactly.
Can I do this? Will my arms and my hands hold out for that amount of walking? My arms are very strong, but in different ways than using a walker. My arms are used to pushing a chair forward, not pushing down on a walker repeatedly. Will I have to walk somewhere far and not be able to make it due to fatigue in my arms and legs? Or more appropriately, fatigue in my entire body.
I'm about to find out.
These are just a few of the questions that have been swarming my brain the past few days. The closer it gets to "go" time, the more questions arise. Scenarios just present themselves in my head and the anxiety inevitably follows. It's like a form of torture.
I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm confident. I'm determined. I'm ready.
One step at a time.
Only time will tell how capable I am of pulling off such a monumental feat. I know in my heart of hearts I can do this, and I will do this, but it's going to take every last drop of stubborn energy I have -- and then some.
The palms of my hands are beginning to chafe, and I'm hoping this will callous up in a day or two. If not, I may have to bring out my ugly gloves. Without my hands I don't have much left to get me around.
I can remember when I could have thrown a few clothes into a duffel bag and flown off to wherever I wanted, no planning necessary. Those days are long gone.
This expedition I am taking, I am comparing to what it must feel like when someone prepares to climb Mt. Everest. I might not be climbing 29,035 ft., but it's probably going to feel like it just with more oxygen.
I'm facing two weeks of doing everything differently. I will no longer have the security of "oh I'll just take my chair". Long distances are going to give me a pit in my stomach and a bead of sweat on my brow. Every time I step out of my car at a rest area I'm going to be mentally sizing up how far I will have to walk before I can use the bathroom. Every hotel is going to be a challenge if they can't get me a room close enough to where I park. Everything I do from the moment I leave that chair behind is going to be nothing less than hard work.
Imagine facing Everest for the first time... Exactly.
Can I do this? Will my arms and my hands hold out for that amount of walking? My arms are very strong, but in different ways than using a walker. My arms are used to pushing a chair forward, not pushing down on a walker repeatedly. Will I have to walk somewhere far and not be able to make it due to fatigue in my arms and legs? Or more appropriately, fatigue in my entire body.
I'm about to find out.
These are just a few of the questions that have been swarming my brain the past few days. The closer it gets to "go" time, the more questions arise. Scenarios just present themselves in my head and the anxiety inevitably follows. It's like a form of torture.
I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm confident. I'm determined. I'm ready.
One step at a time.
Only time will tell how capable I am of pulling off such a monumental feat. I know in my heart of hearts I can do this, and I will do this, but it's going to take every last drop of stubborn energy I have -- and then some.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Rocky
I also have a pair of giraffe-printed balls as backup for when these wear out.
Oh, and Rocky is the name I've given my walker. I don't know why.
Prove It
Flashback Friday: Prove It
This is just another great post from Gitzen Girl that I had to share. The concept of a fortune coming at just the right time is something that I am quite familiar with. I had almost the exact same thing happen to me, and it spurred me on and really made me start trying hard to walk again.
My mom and I were out to lunch at our favorite cheap and greasy chinese buffet. We started talking about our lives and what was new, and I mentioned to her I had been walking more and was planning to really give it my all, finally. She was of course supportive and very excited. When our fortunes came we did our usual "dance of the cookies" to mix them up and move them around before we pick, and my mother always gets to go first. Once she had opened and read hers, it was my turn, and this is what mine said:
"It doesn't take guts to quit"
That was it, that did it. I have been busting my hump ever since, and anytime I get tired and just "don't wanna" I remember that fortune (which I still have in my wallet) and I get off my ass and walk.
This is just another great post from Gitzen Girl that I had to share. The concept of a fortune coming at just the right time is something that I am quite familiar with. I had almost the exact same thing happen to me, and it spurred me on and really made me start trying hard to walk again.
My mom and I were out to lunch at our favorite cheap and greasy chinese buffet. We started talking about our lives and what was new, and I mentioned to her I had been walking more and was planning to really give it my all, finally. She was of course supportive and very excited. When our fortunes came we did our usual "dance of the cookies" to mix them up and move them around before we pick, and my mother always gets to go first. Once she had opened and read hers, it was my turn, and this is what mine said:
"It doesn't take guts to quit"
That was it, that did it. I have been busting my hump ever since, and anytime I get tired and just "don't wanna" I remember that fortune (which I still have in my wallet) and I get off my ass and walk.
Inspiration
Day 204 - 3 Days Left!
O... M... G...
OK, now I'm starting to get a little nervous.
I can do this. I'm strong. I will be fine. (those are my newest mantras, and although obvious, still need to be repeated to calm my nerves)
My bag is packed and I'm ready to go.
Step count today: 547
Steps I'm behind: 3,244
OK, now I'm starting to get a little nervous.
I can do this. I'm strong. I will be fine. (those are my newest mantras, and although obvious, still need to be repeated to calm my nerves)
My bag is packed and I'm ready to go.
Step count today: 547
Steps I'm behind: 3,244
Friday, July 23, 2010
I Wear Men's Pyjamas
On a search for the perfect pair of PJ's to take on my trip, I scoured Walmart's women's section for what felt like hours until I finally had a light bulb go off -- the men's section!
I am quite tall (6') and have very long legs. I like my pj's to be all the way to the floor, and finding that in women's in Walmart is like, well, impossible. Almost feeling petite for a minute, I picked up a soft pair of men's knit pants and a big oversized t-shirt. Once home I washed and dryed (big mistake) them. Long story short, the pants are too short (pun intended).
I text my daughter to tell her the great news and this was her reply: "That's really sad when they are men's PJ's and still too short. You big Ogre."
Poetic.
I am quite tall (6') and have very long legs. I like my pj's to be all the way to the floor, and finding that in women's in Walmart is like, well, impossible. Almost feeling petite for a minute, I picked up a soft pair of men's knit pants and a big oversized t-shirt. Once home I washed and dryed (big mistake) them. Long story short, the pants are too short (pun intended).
I text my daughter to tell her the great news and this was her reply: "That's really sad when they are men's PJ's and still too short. You big Ogre."
Poetic.
Day 203
Laundry, cleaning, mowing, packing, workout and shopping OH MY!
It's going to be another busy day but I am going to make sure I get in a good step count. I have to get back on track with walking all day since four days from now I won't have a choice!
Step count today: 325
Steps I'm behind: 3,517
It's going to be another busy day but I am going to make sure I get in a good step count. I have to get back on track with walking all day since four days from now I won't have a choice!
Step count today: 325
Steps I'm behind: 3,517
My Upcoming Trip
Some of you have asked why I am going to Minnesota and what the details are of my trip, so here goes:
We will be flying out for MN next Wednesday morning, July 28, where I will be visiting with family and friends for a week. I am also picking up my car (pictured below).
We are leaving MN August 4 at 5:00 a.m. and driving to Watertown, SD for an appointment to have the car looked over by a mechanic (the same mechanic who has done work on it in the past -- and when I say work I mean made it go really, really, REALLY fast). Once he finishes up we are headed to Rockford, IL for our first overnight rest.
Early morning August 5 we are driving to Buffalo, NY to once again stay the night. The following morning I am taking my daughter to see Niagara Falls. After that, it's off to New Hampshire where we have another small branch of family to visit.
After a few days in New Hampshire, we will be heading down I-95 and taking some time to see the sights along the way. So far on my list are The Statue of Liberty, Ground Zero, The White House, Washington Monument, Smithsonian Museum, and more.
It is going to be a very busy trip, especially for me, but I am looking forward to it. I can't imagine how much stronger I will be after this two weeks is up!
This picture does not belong to me, but I will be replacing it with one that does very soon! I will have tons of pics to share along the way.
Just four days left to go before I leave! I pray that all goes well and I don't get any speeding tickets! ;-)
We will be flying out for MN next Wednesday morning, July 28, where I will be visiting with family and friends for a week. I am also picking up my car (pictured below).
We are leaving MN August 4 at 5:00 a.m. and driving to Watertown, SD for an appointment to have the car looked over by a mechanic (the same mechanic who has done work on it in the past -- and when I say work I mean made it go really, really, REALLY fast). Once he finishes up we are headed to Rockford, IL for our first overnight rest.
Early morning August 5 we are driving to Buffalo, NY to once again stay the night. The following morning I am taking my daughter to see Niagara Falls. After that, it's off to New Hampshire where we have another small branch of family to visit.
After a few days in New Hampshire, we will be heading down I-95 and taking some time to see the sights along the way. So far on my list are The Statue of Liberty, Ground Zero, The White House, Washington Monument, Smithsonian Museum, and more.
This picture does not belong to me, but I will be replacing it with one that does very soon! I will have tons of pics to share along the way.
Just four days left to go before I leave! I pray that all goes well and I don't get any speeding tickets! ;-)
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Faith
Somewhere along the way, I lost my Faith. I had no idea how much of an impact that can have on a person and their life, until it happened. It wasn't until I began the journey back to my Faith that I was able to repair the damage and start rebuilding.
I found this and wanted to share it:
TWENTY THINGS TO REMEMBER
1. Faith is the ability to not panic.
2. If you worry, you didn't pray. If you prayed, don't worry.
3. As a child of God, prayer is kinda like calling home every day.
4. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
5. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.
6. Do the math. Count your blessings.
7. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
8. Dear God: I have a problem. It's me.
9. Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.
10. Laugh every day -- it's like inner jogging.
11. The most important things in your home are the people.
12. Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional.
13. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open. Come on in.
14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.
15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
16 . We do not remember days, but moments. Life moves too fast, so enjoy your precious moments.
17. Nothing is real to you until you experience it; otherwise it's just hearsay.
18. Its all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.
19. Surviving and living your life successfully requires courage. The goals and dreams you're seeking require courage and risk-taking! Learn from the turtle, it only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.
20. Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.
I found this and wanted to share it:
TWENTY THINGS TO REMEMBER
1. Faith is the ability to not panic.
2. If you worry, you didn't pray. If you prayed, don't worry.
3. As a child of God, prayer is kinda like calling home every day.
4. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
5. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so He can untangle the knot.
6. Do the math. Count your blessings.
7. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
8. Dear God: I have a problem. It's me.
9. Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.
10. Laugh every day -- it's like inner jogging.
11. The most important things in your home are the people.
12. Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional.
13. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open. Come on in.
14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.
15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
16 . We do not remember days, but moments. Life moves too fast, so enjoy your precious moments.
17. Nothing is real to you until you experience it; otherwise it's just hearsay.
18. Its all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.
19. Surviving and living your life successfully requires courage. The goals and dreams you're seeking require courage and risk-taking! Learn from the turtle, it only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.
20. Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.
How To Pack Stud Earrings
It's Settled
I am sure you have noticed I've been having some trouble settling on a background for this blog. I can assure you I have found it, and it will stay this way from this moment on.
I finally arranged it the way I like, so all that was left was the color scheme and layout. I liked the color I had before, but it just seemed too dark and ominous. I like the fresh look of the white and the crisp lines of the white with the blue. I wanted something cheery and inviting, and I do believe I have found it.
Do you like it?
I finally arranged it the way I like, so all that was left was the color scheme and layout. I liked the color I had before, but it just seemed too dark and ominous. I like the fresh look of the white and the crisp lines of the white with the blue. I wanted something cheery and inviting, and I do believe I have found it.
Do you like it?
Maggie
My car.
Standing Me
I thought I would start things off with this pic of me standing up. Ignore my very messy and unfinished bathroom in the background, we haven't quite made it that far in the renovations yet!
Pictures
I know that a picture is worth a thousand words, and a blog with nothing but text can get real boring, real fast. So, it is my vow as of now that I will post more pictures, especially of my upcoming trip. It is going to be a long trip with plenty of photo ops, and I will share it all with you!
Me
I love late night thunder storms when the power goes out and all you have for light are candles.
I come across otherwise, but secretly I'm a huge romantic.
I love the smell of fresh-cut grass.
I have a slow thyroid that makes me gain weight and constantly fatigued.
I despise people who can't mind their own business and focus on their own lives.
I'm older, a little wiser, but not dead yet.
I am a sucker for a freshly shaved, nice smelling man.
I'm a sucker for a green-eyed man.
I go weak at the knees when I'm bitten on the neck.
I hate it when someone lets an elderly person cross the road, but then inches their car forward and rushes them.
I know people who have known me for years, yet they still don't know me.
I love early mornings and watching the sun come up.
I love the beach and the sand.
I love salt water and how it makes my skin and hair feel and look.
I'm addicted to coffee.
I haven't had sex in over a year.
I'm looking into doing marathons with a hand bike (seriously).
I met a double leg amputee and he was hot (he also had nice warm hands and a great handshake).
I'm a sucker for big, warm hands.
I enjoy hard work, I think it can fix anything, and I also think not enough people do it.
I love to sweat.
I've always hated running.
I think my daughter is the most wonderful person on the planet.
I can curl my tongue but can't wiggle my ears. My daughter can wiggle her ears.
I have big feet. No, really (size 11)
I despise fake people.
I despise control freaks.
I want to go on a Mediterranean cruise.
I almost died once and saw things I don't care to discuss with just anyone.
I used to live in constant fear of everything.
I'm strong, independent, and will no longer be taking shit from anyone, ever.
I like looking at beautiful things.
I love how the sun feels on my skin.
I'm done with this list.
I come across otherwise, but secretly I'm a huge romantic.
I love the smell of fresh-cut grass.
I have a slow thyroid that makes me gain weight and constantly fatigued.
I despise people who can't mind their own business and focus on their own lives.
I'm older, a little wiser, but not dead yet.
I am a sucker for a freshly shaved, nice smelling man.
I'm a sucker for a green-eyed man.
I go weak at the knees when I'm bitten on the neck.
I hate it when someone lets an elderly person cross the road, but then inches their car forward and rushes them.
I know people who have known me for years, yet they still don't know me.
I love early mornings and watching the sun come up.
I love the beach and the sand.
I love salt water and how it makes my skin and hair feel and look.
I'm addicted to coffee.
I haven't had sex in over a year.
I'm looking into doing marathons with a hand bike (seriously).
I met a double leg amputee and he was hot (he also had nice warm hands and a great handshake).
I'm a sucker for big, warm hands.
I enjoy hard work, I think it can fix anything, and I also think not enough people do it.
I love to sweat.
I've always hated running.
I think my daughter is the most wonderful person on the planet.
I can curl my tongue but can't wiggle my ears. My daughter can wiggle her ears.
I have big feet. No, really (size 11)
I despise fake people.
I despise control freaks.
I want to go on a Mediterranean cruise.
I almost died once and saw things I don't care to discuss with just anyone.
I used to live in constant fear of everything.
I'm strong, independent, and will no longer be taking shit from anyone, ever.
I like looking at beautiful things.
I love how the sun feels on my skin.
I'm done with this list.
Day 202
I have a lot of work to do today, and a lot of it I will need to do in the chair, so the step count may not be as high once again. As long as I get my walking in, I'll feel good.
I am very slowly getting caught up in my step count. Once I leave for my trip I will be ahead in no time. I'm in for a lot of walking!
I feel much better today. As the saying goes, it always helps to "sleep on it". My sunny disposition is not going to be clouded by one person's attempt at sliding me under their thumb once again. I'm not that girl anymore. In fact, I never really was that girl, but when I got sick I became very vulnerable and easily duped. I was just looking for anyone and anything to make it all better. Now that I am strong again both mentally and physically, I know for certain the only person who can make it all better, is me.
Step count today: 405
Steps I'm behind: 3,568
I am very slowly getting caught up in my step count. Once I leave for my trip I will be ahead in no time. I'm in for a lot of walking!
I feel much better today. As the saying goes, it always helps to "sleep on it". My sunny disposition is not going to be clouded by one person's attempt at sliding me under their thumb once again. I'm not that girl anymore. In fact, I never really was that girl, but when I got sick I became very vulnerable and easily duped. I was just looking for anyone and anything to make it all better. Now that I am strong again both mentally and physically, I know for certain the only person who can make it all better, is me.
Step count today: 405
Steps I'm behind: 3,568
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Changing
My previous post, and posts from another blog I've been reading today, have made me think back to the changes I've gone through in my life so far.
"The path I'm on, the path to real self-discovery is making me realise I've given away parts of my soul, and have done it too often."
-- Creating My Own Empire
Maybe during our younger years we mold and shape ourselves so much to please others that by the time we are older we have changed so much we don't recognize who we are anymore, or remember who we once were.
Sometimes I can totally remember who I was, and other times I feel a bit lost and as if the old me is too long gone.
Maybe our lives are a series of 180-degree turns in which we go back and forth trying to figure out who it is we really want to be, or maybe we are born who we are going to be our whole lives, but people and forces try to change us and mold us only to be unsuccessful and make us more guarded and closed off. Afterall, haven't we always been taught you can't change someone?
I have felt myself change in ways I thought I could never undo.
Ultimately I know exactly who I am, it's just a matter of finding my way back. Emotional recovery is just as difficult and traumatic as physical recovery, but it too can be done.
I don't want to return to being young and naive and easily hurt, but I would like to have that freshness back. That willingness to try just about anything and have a great time doing it. The abandon I felt when I was able to jump right in with both feet and not once think about the consequences.
Ya, that would be nice.
"The path I'm on, the path to real self-discovery is making me realise I've given away parts of my soul, and have done it too often."
-- Creating My Own Empire
Maybe during our younger years we mold and shape ourselves so much to please others that by the time we are older we have changed so much we don't recognize who we are anymore, or remember who we once were.
Sometimes I can totally remember who I was, and other times I feel a bit lost and as if the old me is too long gone.
Maybe our lives are a series of 180-degree turns in which we go back and forth trying to figure out who it is we really want to be, or maybe we are born who we are going to be our whole lives, but people and forces try to change us and mold us only to be unsuccessful and make us more guarded and closed off. Afterall, haven't we always been taught you can't change someone?
I have felt myself change in ways I thought I could never undo.
Ultimately I know exactly who I am, it's just a matter of finding my way back. Emotional recovery is just as difficult and traumatic as physical recovery, but it too can be done.
I don't want to return to being young and naive and easily hurt, but I would like to have that freshness back. That willingness to try just about anything and have a great time doing it. The abandon I felt when I was able to jump right in with both feet and not once think about the consequences.
Ya, that would be nice.
It's My Blog and I'll Cry If I Want To
Sometimes it's hard to be sunny and cheery, especially when outside forces insist on ruining what was starting off as a perfectly good day.
People suck.
I spend my days working hard at being positive and doing the right thing. I don't ask anyone for anything. So why then do people still insist on making my life a living hell just because they can? I'll never learn the answer to that question as long as I live.
I spent a large portion of my life being controlled like a puppet on a string, and it seems those puppeteers just keep trying to reattach those strings. I am much stronger than that, so it will never happen again, but it's still a frustration. Why bother? Just leave me alone. I'm doing just fine right where I am, doing what I'm doing.
Go away.
When did I give the impression I am unable to take care of myself or that I am too stupid to figure things out on my own? When in my life did I let on that I am unable to be my own person and make my own decisions? The keyword being my decisions. Mine in that they are mine, I own them, I make them for a reason, and those reasons, although really none of anyone's business but my own, are good reasons. Every decision I make is well thought out, made by me and only me, and not influenced by anyone, finally. Decisions that will make my life better in some way, and ones that will have a positive impact on my future. So tell me again why you can't just leave me be?
Control.
What makes one person so obsessed with controlling another? When there are no blood ties, no rings on fingers, and no financial or substantial connections, why is it so necessary to care so deeply what the other person does with his/her life? I truly believe it is an issue of control and the lack of it. Where there once was a dynamic in which one person had almost total control over another, and now doesn't, I believe that creates a void in the controller (puppeteer) which they feel needs to be filled once again.
Not. Going. To. Happen.
And I'm not sorry.
This time in my life is a crucial one. I am on the path to walking again. Everything I do revolves around my recovery. In the past, I allowed myself to be weak and vulnerable, and I gave in to natural urges that ultimately got me nowhere. I self-medicated. I gave in to giving up. I failed.
I will never fail again.
To me failure does not lie in not reaching a goal; it's in not trying. You can't do anything if you don't try, and when you try, and I mean really give it your all, that's success.
This is my freedom we are talking about. My independence. A normal way of life.
Perhaps that is the issue. My independence is a threat to those who want me kept down. I get it now.
Too effing bad.
What I do with my life, is my life, get over it.
Some people find it necessary to make other people's lives their business and all about them. I find it necessary to make my life my business and all about me.
I am stubborn and strong and have been given the opportunity to really work hard at getting my legs back. Nothing and nobody will stand in the way of that ever again.
People suck.
I spend my days working hard at being positive and doing the right thing. I don't ask anyone for anything. So why then do people still insist on making my life a living hell just because they can? I'll never learn the answer to that question as long as I live.
I spent a large portion of my life being controlled like a puppet on a string, and it seems those puppeteers just keep trying to reattach those strings. I am much stronger than that, so it will never happen again, but it's still a frustration. Why bother? Just leave me alone. I'm doing just fine right where I am, doing what I'm doing.
Go away.
When did I give the impression I am unable to take care of myself or that I am too stupid to figure things out on my own? When in my life did I let on that I am unable to be my own person and make my own decisions? The keyword being my decisions. Mine in that they are mine, I own them, I make them for a reason, and those reasons, although really none of anyone's business but my own, are good reasons. Every decision I make is well thought out, made by me and only me, and not influenced by anyone, finally. Decisions that will make my life better in some way, and ones that will have a positive impact on my future. So tell me again why you can't just leave me be?
Control.
What makes one person so obsessed with controlling another? When there are no blood ties, no rings on fingers, and no financial or substantial connections, why is it so necessary to care so deeply what the other person does with his/her life? I truly believe it is an issue of control and the lack of it. Where there once was a dynamic in which one person had almost total control over another, and now doesn't, I believe that creates a void in the controller (puppeteer) which they feel needs to be filled once again.
Not. Going. To. Happen.
And I'm not sorry.
This time in my life is a crucial one. I am on the path to walking again. Everything I do revolves around my recovery. In the past, I allowed myself to be weak and vulnerable, and I gave in to natural urges that ultimately got me nowhere. I self-medicated. I gave in to giving up. I failed.
I will never fail again.
To me failure does not lie in not reaching a goal; it's in not trying. You can't do anything if you don't try, and when you try, and I mean really give it your all, that's success.
This is my freedom we are talking about. My independence. A normal way of life.
Perhaps that is the issue. My independence is a threat to those who want me kept down. I get it now.
Too effing bad.
What I do with my life, is my life, get over it.
Some people find it necessary to make other people's lives their business and all about them. I find it necessary to make my life my business and all about me.
I am stubborn and strong and have been given the opportunity to really work hard at getting my legs back. Nothing and nobody will stand in the way of that ever again.
No Regrets
I stumbled across this blog while perusing today and this one post really stood out for me and touched my soul. That sounds odd to me because I don't know this person, but something in her words really reached out to me and I wanted to share it:
"No regrets.
For what I do, have done and may do in the future - I have no regrets.
My heart is good, I am not evil and therefore have no regrets.
The devil tattoo is not meant to represent evil, it has "history" attached to it and memories that will remain with me forever and therefore I have no regrets.
I am misunderstood, for that I have no regrets because I am not accountable for someone else's lack of intelligence, tolerance and curiosity for the truth.
I know that those related to me by blood do not know me, for that I have no regrets because I wasn't given the freedom to be myself, I had to take it the hard way and that ruined things-it wasn't all me.
I stay guarded with my heart and have no regrets because I can't stand emotional pain, it's so hard to rebuild your soul.
My quietness is mistaken for cold-heartedness, I have no regrets about this because in my quietness I've learned that I am not awarded the same patience I've given away so freely.
My body, pound for pound is me right now, for this I have no regrets because I know it's just the shell - my heart, pound for pound far outweighs anything else.
So there."
This deeply reflective post comes from this blog: Creating My Own Empire
"No regrets.
For what I do, have done and may do in the future - I have no regrets.
My heart is good, I am not evil and therefore have no regrets.
The devil tattoo is not meant to represent evil, it has "history" attached to it and memories that will remain with me forever and therefore I have no regrets.
I am misunderstood, for that I have no regrets because I am not accountable for someone else's lack of intelligence, tolerance and curiosity for the truth.
I know that those related to me by blood do not know me, for that I have no regrets because I wasn't given the freedom to be myself, I had to take it the hard way and that ruined things-it wasn't all me.
I stay guarded with my heart and have no regrets because I can't stand emotional pain, it's so hard to rebuild your soul.
My quietness is mistaken for cold-heartedness, I have no regrets about this because in my quietness I've learned that I am not awarded the same patience I've given away so freely.
My body, pound for pound is me right now, for this I have no regrets because I know it's just the shell - my heart, pound for pound far outweighs anything else.
So there."
This deeply reflective post comes from this blog: Creating My Own Empire
Day 200
I took the day off of walking today and rested, although I didn't really rest. My daughter and I went shopping and we must have done five miles in the mall, but I was in my chair.
It felt good to let the muscles rest. I can feel my legs coming back more and more every day. I have run the gamete of emotion about all of this, and now I am just excited and anxious! The idea that I will be walking unassisted someday, and possibly someday sooner than I realize, is unbelievable.
It felt good to let the muscles rest. I can feel my legs coming back more and more every day. I have run the gamete of emotion about all of this, and now I am just excited and anxious! The idea that I will be walking unassisted someday, and possibly someday sooner than I realize, is unbelievable.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Day 196
I spent some time reflecting yesterday. I was waist deep in a renovation project and had plenty of time to think. I decided yesterday would be a good day to finish the new floor in my pantry, remove all the old shelves to make room for the new, and paint the walls. While sitting on the floor measuring and fitting tiles, I started to think about the progression my body has taken during my journey to walking on my own power. It's definitely not quite as simple as just getting some long-dormant muscles stronger. There is much more to it than that, and when I stop think about it, I am in awe at how amazing, and possible things are in relation to the human body and its recovery.
The years I spent sitting in a wheelchair, I didn't often use my legs for much. I had become so used to them being weak and unusable that I adapted to using my arms for everything. They basically did nothing more than get in my way. What a person doesn't realize is when this happens, it's not just the muscles that become dormant, but it's your brain, and the signals your brain sends, that suffer as well. It's like a blind person whose other senses are refined; the brain disconnects from whatever part of the body is not being used so that it may focus its energies on the parts of the body that need it most.
Thinking about this process reminds me of my days in ICU when I was connected to a ventilator. My diaphragm was paralyzed and I was unable to breathe on my own. I was on a ventilator for a total of 34 days, and in that short period of time, my brain forgot how to breathe. When I regained the use of that muscle, I had to consciously think to myself "OK, breathe" in order to take every single breath. Imagine that for a minute. On average, a healthy adult at rest will take 12 breaths per minute. So twelve times per minute, I had to tell myself to breathe. At night I had to be reconnected to the ventilator. It only took a few days before the involuntary response kicked back in and I no longer had to think about it, but those few days really taught me the meaning of "learning how to breathe all over again".
The same is true for every other part of my body that was affected by this illness. To this day, I have to consciously think about lifting up my foot when I walk. My right leg can pretty much do it on its own, but my left still drags if I don't say in my head "OK, pick up your foot". It's like disconnecting your car radio: it's not going to work unless you reconnect those wires. I have to think about almost everything I do until it becomes involuntary once again. My brain has to reconnect the wires. I always used to think that if I could move it and feel it, I should be using it. Shame on me for not, but now I am learning how to walk all over again.
It really puts into perspective the length of time it takes to recover from any injury, and especially one that completely shut my entire body down. I can remember when trying to lift a 1-pound dumbbell seemed like the hardest thing I ever had to do, now my arms are so strong grown men have arm-wrestled me -- and lost.
It renews my hope that one day I will be looking back and saying "I remember when I could barely walk 300 steps" as I'm running down the beach, and it reaffirms the mantra I play over and over in my head -- Never Give Up!
Step count today: 936
Steps I'm behind: 5,596
The years I spent sitting in a wheelchair, I didn't often use my legs for much. I had become so used to them being weak and unusable that I adapted to using my arms for everything. They basically did nothing more than get in my way. What a person doesn't realize is when this happens, it's not just the muscles that become dormant, but it's your brain, and the signals your brain sends, that suffer as well. It's like a blind person whose other senses are refined; the brain disconnects from whatever part of the body is not being used so that it may focus its energies on the parts of the body that need it most.
Thinking about this process reminds me of my days in ICU when I was connected to a ventilator. My diaphragm was paralyzed and I was unable to breathe on my own. I was on a ventilator for a total of 34 days, and in that short period of time, my brain forgot how to breathe. When I regained the use of that muscle, I had to consciously think to myself "OK, breathe" in order to take every single breath. Imagine that for a minute. On average, a healthy adult at rest will take 12 breaths per minute. So twelve times per minute, I had to tell myself to breathe. At night I had to be reconnected to the ventilator. It only took a few days before the involuntary response kicked back in and I no longer had to think about it, but those few days really taught me the meaning of "learning how to breathe all over again".
The same is true for every other part of my body that was affected by this illness. To this day, I have to consciously think about lifting up my foot when I walk. My right leg can pretty much do it on its own, but my left still drags if I don't say in my head "OK, pick up your foot". It's like disconnecting your car radio: it's not going to work unless you reconnect those wires. I have to think about almost everything I do until it becomes involuntary once again. My brain has to reconnect the wires. I always used to think that if I could move it and feel it, I should be using it. Shame on me for not, but now I am learning how to walk all over again.
It really puts into perspective the length of time it takes to recover from any injury, and especially one that completely shut my entire body down. I can remember when trying to lift a 1-pound dumbbell seemed like the hardest thing I ever had to do, now my arms are so strong grown men have arm-wrestled me -- and lost.
It renews my hope that one day I will be looking back and saying "I remember when I could barely walk 300 steps" as I'm running down the beach, and it reaffirms the mantra I play over and over in my head -- Never Give Up!
Step count today: 936
Steps I'm behind: 5,596
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Day 194
"I gotta say it was a good day..."
I paid a visit to some old friends today and it was a really wonderful visit. It was the first time they had all seen me walk in several years, and it was nice to see the surprise on their faces. As nervous as I get when I walk, I didn't feel a tinge of nervousness this time. Just pride. These are people who were there when I fell ill, and I'm sure it's heartwarming for them to see me progressing how I am. At least that's my hope. They deserve to see me do well after witnessing me do so badly for so many years.
I know now that I am strong enough to walk just fine when surrounded by people. That's a big step in the right direction. Although I've been walking at home a lot, it was good to step out of my comfort zone and push myself past the nerves. Just like with anything worthwhile, I can't let fear hold me back. My fear of tripping and falling has kept me from a lot of situations in which I should have walked instead of used my chair, but I am working out the kinks. The separation anxiety I feel when away from my chair is slowly beginning to ebb, and I couldn't be happier for it. I've never thought of myself as weak, in fact I know I am not, but I allowed myself to succumb to the ease and efficiency of being on four wheels for years. No more. I will make my brain let go of that chair if it kills me.
Even if I never progressed any farther than where I am now, I would still be happier than I've been. I forgot how nice it is to be upright and able to see things. I forgot how damn tall I am, and I miss that feeling. I got used to a certain way of life, and it took me time to get used to it, so now it will take me time to return. Humans are adaptable creatures, and unfortunately for me, I adapted quite well to being in a wheelchair. Fortunately for me, I can adapt just as well to walking once again.
As far as my upcoming trip is concerned... I've got it by the balls.
Oh yeah... Hi Steve!
Step count today: 905
Steps I'm behind: 6,268
I paid a visit to some old friends today and it was a really wonderful visit. It was the first time they had all seen me walk in several years, and it was nice to see the surprise on their faces. As nervous as I get when I walk, I didn't feel a tinge of nervousness this time. Just pride. These are people who were there when I fell ill, and I'm sure it's heartwarming for them to see me progressing how I am. At least that's my hope. They deserve to see me do well after witnessing me do so badly for so many years.
I know now that I am strong enough to walk just fine when surrounded by people. That's a big step in the right direction. Although I've been walking at home a lot, it was good to step out of my comfort zone and push myself past the nerves. Just like with anything worthwhile, I can't let fear hold me back. My fear of tripping and falling has kept me from a lot of situations in which I should have walked instead of used my chair, but I am working out the kinks. The separation anxiety I feel when away from my chair is slowly beginning to ebb, and I couldn't be happier for it. I've never thought of myself as weak, in fact I know I am not, but I allowed myself to succumb to the ease and efficiency of being on four wheels for years. No more. I will make my brain let go of that chair if it kills me.
Even if I never progressed any farther than where I am now, I would still be happier than I've been. I forgot how nice it is to be upright and able to see things. I forgot how damn tall I am, and I miss that feeling. I got used to a certain way of life, and it took me time to get used to it, so now it will take me time to return. Humans are adaptable creatures, and unfortunately for me, I adapted quite well to being in a wheelchair. Fortunately for me, I can adapt just as well to walking once again.
As far as my upcoming trip is concerned... I've got it by the balls.
Oh yeah... Hi Steve!
Step count today: 905
Steps I'm behind: 6,268
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Day 190
I have found myself quite frustrated today. I saw a man who was, what looked like to me, about to keel over at any moment just because he was too heavy, and it really sparked a fire in me. I know it can be a sensitive issue, but I'm going to delve into my thoughts about obesity a little bit.
Let's keep in mind the man I saw was probably around 600 pounds. That is not an exaggeration, in fact I may be off by 100 pounds on the plus side. It is true that I do not know this man's story, but my issues do not lie within him personally, they lie within every single human being who is able bodied and allows themselves to get that way.
That being said, I feel I should clarify what my issues are, and at what level the fire in me goes wild. I have struggled with my own weight for years, and I know many, many others who have as well. I am not claiming to be the most successful person in that area, but I do have to point out my disability as the reason for my weight gain and difficulty in losing it. I also should say that I completely understand how age, and life in general, can play a key role in anyone's weight gain or weight issues. I know how hard it is to keep weight off -- I am struggling with that as we speak -- but there is a limit to what's considered a "weight" issue and what is considered an "addiction" issue. This man I saw today is obviously addicted to food, and addicted to the point that he WILL die if he does not get help. I would get just as disgusted and frustrated at the sight of a drug addict or a severe alcoholic.
We all struggle with addictions, and that I understand as well. I have struggled with alcoholism and drug addiction in my life, so I know first hand about addictions. There again, I am not claiming I am perfect or that I am the most successful person in dealing with addictions.
It all boils down to this fact: I see someone that big struggling to get into a mid-sized sedan because he's so big he can't fit, and I want to scream. I want to scream because I want to help him, I want to motivate him and get him moving. I want to remind him of what a great life he could be living, and that his size is holding him back from SO much! Most of all what I feel when I see that is anger at an able bodied person taking advantage of their abilities. I may be overweight now, but if I was walking I would not be, and when I was walking I was not. I am someone who loves to use my body, no matter how much it hurts, and one of the things I miss most is being able to ride a bike, or roller blade, or go for a long, long walk. I go through four sets of wheelchair tires a year from doing miles and miles in my chair to try to lose weight, and I would give ANYTHING to be able to walk on my own power.
I know that when a person is as overweight as he is, even just moving around doing daily chores is painful and difficult, but that's the price he pays for being that big, and if he moved around even more, and ate less, he would lose it. I'm not saying that it's easy. I know from personal experience how hard it is to lose weight. Everything I do is harder. Every time I move it hurts. None of it stops me from trying to keep my body healthy and in shape so I can be on this planet, and a mother to my daughter, longer. No amount of pain is going to make me stop trying, and I wish everyone felt the same way. I am not disabled by my own doing, but someone his size is. He is making his life more difficult, and it pains me because there are people like me trying so hard to make my life less difficult, and having a hell of a time doing it, but still doing it.
It's the same old story: you've got someone who has something another person would give anything to have, and it makes them mad they are taking advantage and not appreciating their gift.
Step count today: 316
Steps I'm behind: 7,877
Let's keep in mind the man I saw was probably around 600 pounds. That is not an exaggeration, in fact I may be off by 100 pounds on the plus side. It is true that I do not know this man's story, but my issues do not lie within him personally, they lie within every single human being who is able bodied and allows themselves to get that way.
That being said, I feel I should clarify what my issues are, and at what level the fire in me goes wild. I have struggled with my own weight for years, and I know many, many others who have as well. I am not claiming to be the most successful person in that area, but I do have to point out my disability as the reason for my weight gain and difficulty in losing it. I also should say that I completely understand how age, and life in general, can play a key role in anyone's weight gain or weight issues. I know how hard it is to keep weight off -- I am struggling with that as we speak -- but there is a limit to what's considered a "weight" issue and what is considered an "addiction" issue. This man I saw today is obviously addicted to food, and addicted to the point that he WILL die if he does not get help. I would get just as disgusted and frustrated at the sight of a drug addict or a severe alcoholic.
We all struggle with addictions, and that I understand as well. I have struggled with alcoholism and drug addiction in my life, so I know first hand about addictions. There again, I am not claiming I am perfect or that I am the most successful person in dealing with addictions.
It all boils down to this fact: I see someone that big struggling to get into a mid-sized sedan because he's so big he can't fit, and I want to scream. I want to scream because I want to help him, I want to motivate him and get him moving. I want to remind him of what a great life he could be living, and that his size is holding him back from SO much! Most of all what I feel when I see that is anger at an able bodied person taking advantage of their abilities. I may be overweight now, but if I was walking I would not be, and when I was walking I was not. I am someone who loves to use my body, no matter how much it hurts, and one of the things I miss most is being able to ride a bike, or roller blade, or go for a long, long walk. I go through four sets of wheelchair tires a year from doing miles and miles in my chair to try to lose weight, and I would give ANYTHING to be able to walk on my own power.
I know that when a person is as overweight as he is, even just moving around doing daily chores is painful and difficult, but that's the price he pays for being that big, and if he moved around even more, and ate less, he would lose it. I'm not saying that it's easy. I know from personal experience how hard it is to lose weight. Everything I do is harder. Every time I move it hurts. None of it stops me from trying to keep my body healthy and in shape so I can be on this planet, and a mother to my daughter, longer. No amount of pain is going to make me stop trying, and I wish everyone felt the same way. I am not disabled by my own doing, but someone his size is. He is making his life more difficult, and it pains me because there are people like me trying so hard to make my life less difficult, and having a hell of a time doing it, but still doing it.
It's the same old story: you've got someone who has something another person would give anything to have, and it makes them mad they are taking advantage and not appreciating their gift.
Step count today: 316
Steps I'm behind: 7,877
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Day 188
I am a dirty little rester. I keep thinking I should rest as much as I can before I take my big trip, but then I know better than that. I need to do as much walking as I can to get even stronger and more endurance, but I'm finding it hard to get the energy. Considering I only have 20 days left, I better get my ass in gear.
Step count today: 425
Steps I'm behind: 8,027
Step count today: 425
Steps I'm behind: 8,027
Monday, July 5, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Day 183
According to my math, I should have hit the halfway mark already, but since I am behind almost 8k steps I have not. That's just more motivation to get caught back up, I want to be at that halfway mark!
Step count today: 275
Steps I'm behind: 7,632
Step count today: 275
Steps I'm behind: 7,632
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