A New And Improved Me: Day 5

So, surgery has officially been rescheduled for September 16.  I am ecstatic!

Now I have three full weeks to really get healthy and clean.  I want to get my skin as youthful and healthy as I can so that everything goes well with healing.  I want my body to be as healthy and ready as possible so nothing goes wrong during surgery and I recover well afterward.  Three weeks is a good amount of time to be able to accomplish those things.  The body is so adaptable, it's actually quite amazing what we can do in just three weeks!

If you're just now tuning in, you can read about my surgery and why I'm having it here. 

I know it seems odd for someone to be so excited to have surgery, but considering I'm carrying around a bowling ball in my uterus that is obviously getting bigger, I think most women can probably get on board with me.  And men, you can stop reading here if you want, but with a tumor that big, my periods aren't exactly a day at the beach either.  In fact, they are downright horrible.

Ok guys, that's over.

I am also going to try to lose as much weight as I can before surgery.  I will be doing this the healthiest way possible, of course, but it stands to reason that the healthier my weight is, the better off I will be both with the actual surgery itself, and when I come home.  It will be much easier to move around with a healing wound if I'm lighter and there's less of me to haul.

So, I suppose I can take you along for that journey and share my ups and downs with you.  Here are my stats as of today:

Height: 6'
Weight: 180
Goal Weight: 145

Measurements:
Chest: 36
Waist: 35
Hips: 42 1/2

Now, in regard to the seemingly enormous waistline, that is such an incorrect measurement right now I can't even begin to tell you.  My waist was that big around when I was over 200 pounds, so it's safe to assume the tumor is causing this expansion in both my waist and my hips.  My hips should not be that big around right now either, and I can't wait to see what the new measurements are after everything is taken out.  I would also deduct 5 pounds of water bloat from it being that time of the month, and at least 5 pounds for tumor and uterus weight that will be gone after September 16, but those are my actual weights and measurements nonetheless.  It will be fun to watch them change over the coming months.  I have three weeks to surgery, and then 4-6 weeks of recovery.  I can't wait to report my new weight and measurements along the way.  Should be interesting.

I added a few highlights to my hair today since I can't stand it being all one color.  I will add a new post later on after it is styled for you to see, because I will be changing it again and again.  Just another thing that will be fun to see the finished product :)



Never Give Up

New And Improved Me: Day 3

I had a little slip today and ate sugar (candy) on the way to my doctor's appointment, but I knew better than to let myself get that hungry.  I was in a time crunch, but still, no excuses.  I didn't go too crazy, but now I will have to endure those three days of cravings again before that goes away and I could care less about sugar.  I always feel so much better when I just avoid sugar all together.  Yesterday, I did very well.  I ate a lot of bananas because for some reason or another I was craving them, and I had a very healthy salad and some oatmeal with honey, cinnamon and a little almond milk.  I've grown to LOVE almond milk, and I actually like the unsweetened version much better than the sweetened, not to mention it's less than half the calories at only 30 calories per serving.  Plus, it's low carb and very good for you!  Can't go wrong there.

So, I saw the Endocrinologist today and he says my thyroid levels are fine to proceed with surgery.  Yay!  Now, I will call my other doctor tomorrow morning and find out when we can get me on the table and get this devil baby out of me!  I'm guessing it's going to be September 9th, or at least I'm hoping!  He only does surgeries on Monday, and this coming Monday is Labor Day.  I'm really looking forward to the relief and a new chapter in my life.  I will be sans uterus, sans giant tumor, and thyroid on the level.  I will feel like a new woman!

I just keep telling myself that everything I put in my body from now on is going to affect my health and recovery.  I also keep repeating to myself that I want the body that can wear anything again.  I loved that feeling.  Most of my life I was skinny and able to wear whatever I wanted and look good in it.  I want that again.  I'm tired of my "fat" clothes, and I'm tired of not having any sort of fashion in my life because I was too busy hiding behind whatever was big enough to cover me.  And, I'm just tired of being tired all the time.  Even just this extra 20 pounds I have left is enough to drag me down, especially since my lower half is already limited. 

Pinterest keeps me motivated as well.  Whenever I get a craving or want to eat the wrong things, I go to the health and fitness category and look at all the beautiful and fit bodies and remind myself that can be me.  I have to start with mostly diet right now since my body is limited with tumor, stiffness and pain, but once I'm healed up I'll be back on a fitness regimen in no time!

Follow Me on Pinterest 



Never Give Up

New And Improved Me: Day 1

So today is day 1 of my new and improved me plan, and so far I've done quite well.  I'm sticking to healthy and clean eating (aside from those few small spoons full of my homemade baked beans), and I've managed to squeeze in some "me" improvements like dying my greys away and clipping my nails and toe nails.  I think as women, we tend to forget the importance of the little things that just make us feel good, and when we feel good, we want to continue to do things to make ourselves feel, and look, even better.  Whenever I dye my hair, paint my nails, give myself a full body scrub and then lotion; I always manage to eat better as well.  I figure if I'm going to take the time to do the outer physical improvements, then I should do it right and take the time for the inner improvements as well.

As a single mother, I know I tend to let my needs go by the wayside in lieu of taking care of my child's needs first.  Now that I'm getting older, and so is she, I am realizing how much I have neglected myself over the years!  Although I'll never stop being a mom, no matter how old she gets, it's time to start taking better care of myself.  Afterall, if I'm ok, she'll be ok. So, with this pending surgery will come a new found respect for myself and some more steps in creating a new and even better "me".

On the agenda for the rest of my day will be eating a healthy supper; most likely oatmeal with unsweetened almond milk, sliced bananas, cinnamon, and stevia for sweetener.  I know that doesn't sound like a "normal" supper, but it's what I'm craving and it's certainly healthy and low cal so I'm going for it.  Once I've eaten I can take my supplements which include an Omega 3 fish oil, Vitamin C made from Rose Hips, Zinc, Vitamin E, and half a multi-vitamin.  If I get snacky later I will turn to a banana.  Once my food digests a little, I will try to squeeze in a couple yoga poses for some light stretching, and to see what I am capable of doing.

It will be nice to start off my Monday on the right foot.



Never Give Up

Be Strong

Day 254

I have a new walk.  I have begun to favor my stronger leg (the right), and now have a kind of limp.  I know this is a great development as it means my brain/body connection is getting stronger, and my body wants to walk normal, but is still unable. 

I am still in shock that after only a little over six weeks I have come as far as I have.  I still have a very long way to go, but the fact that I'm gaining muscle, feeling, flexibility, and strength has me overjoyed.  This means the nerves still work, and although I might have a few leftover side effects, I should be able to walk unassisted without many problems! 

Step count today:  556

Steps I'm ahead:  13,804

Prove It

Flashback Friday: Prove It

This is just another great post from Gitzen Girl that I had to share.  The concept of a fortune coming at just the right time is something that I am quite familiar with.  I had almost the exact same thing happen to me, and it spurred me on and really made me start trying hard to walk again.

My mom and I were out to lunch at our favorite cheap and greasy chinese buffet.  We started talking about our lives and what was new, and I mentioned to her I had been walking more and was planning to really give it my all, finally.  She was of course supportive and very excited.  When our fortunes came we did our usual "dance of the cookies" to mix them up and move them around before we pick, and my mother always gets to go first.  Once she had opened and read hers, it was my turn, and this is what mine said:

"It doesn't take guts to quit"

That was it, that did it.  I have been busting my hump ever since, and anytime I get tired and just "don't wanna" I remember that fortune (which I still have in my wallet) and I get off my ass and walk.

It's My Blog and I'll Cry If I Want To

Sometimes it's hard to be sunny and cheery, especially when outside forces insist on ruining what was starting off as a perfectly good day.

People suck.

I spend my days working hard at being positive and doing the right thing.  I don't ask anyone for anything.  So why then do people still insist on making my life a living hell just because they can?  I'll never learn the answer to that question as long as I live.

I spent a large portion of my life being controlled like a puppet on a string, and it seems those puppeteers just keep trying to reattach those strings.  I am much stronger than that, so it will never happen again, but it's still a frustration.  Why bother?  Just leave me alone.  I'm doing just fine right where I am, doing what I'm doing.

Go away.

When did I give the impression I am unable to take care of myself or that I am too stupid to figure things out on my own?  When in my life did I let on that I am unable to be my own person and make my own decisions?  The keyword being my decisions.  Mine in that they are mine, I own them, I make them for a reason, and those reasons, although really none of anyone's business but my own, are good reasons.  Every decision I make is well thought out, made by me and only me, and not influenced by anyone, finally.  Decisions that will make my life better in some way, and ones that will have a positive impact on my future.  So tell me again why you can't just leave me be?

Control.

What makes one person so obsessed with controlling another?  When there are no blood ties, no rings on fingers, and no financial or substantial connections, why is it so necessary to care so deeply what the other person does with his/her life?  I truly believe it is an issue of control and the lack of it.  Where there once was a dynamic in which one person had almost total control over another, and now doesn't, I believe that creates a void in the controller (puppeteer) which they feel needs to be filled once again.

Not.  Going.  To.  Happen.

And I'm not sorry.

This time in my life is a crucial one.  I am on the path to walking again.  Everything I do revolves around my recovery.  In the past, I allowed myself to be weak and vulnerable, and I gave in to natural urges that ultimately got me nowhere.  I self-medicated.  I gave in to giving up.  I failed.

I will never fail again.

To me failure does not lie in not reaching a goal; it's in not trying.  You can't do anything if you don't try, and when you try, and I mean really give it your all, that's success.

This is my freedom we are talking about.  My independence.  A normal way of life.

Perhaps that is the issue.  My independence is a threat to those who want me kept down.  I get it now.

Too effing bad.

What I do with my life, is my life, get over it. 

Some people find it necessary to make other people's lives their business and all about them.  I find it necessary to make my life my business and all about me.

I am stubborn and strong and have been given the opportunity to really work hard at getting my legs back.  Nothing and nobody will stand in the way of that ever again.

Day 196

I spent some time reflecting yesterday.  I was waist deep in a renovation project and had plenty of time to think.  I decided yesterday would be a good day to finish the new floor in my pantry, remove all the old shelves to make room for the new, and paint the walls.  While sitting on the floor measuring and fitting tiles, I started to think about the progression my body has taken during my journey to walking on my own power.  It's definitely not quite as simple as just getting some long-dormant muscles stronger.  There is much more to it than that, and when I stop think about it, I am in awe at how amazing, and possible things are in relation to the human body and its recovery.

The years I spent sitting in a wheelchair, I didn't often use my legs for much.  I had become so used to them being weak and unusable that I adapted to using my arms for everything.  They basically did nothing more than get in my way.  What a person doesn't realize is when this happens, it's not just the muscles that become dormant, but it's your brain, and the signals your brain sends, that suffer as well.  It's like a blind person whose other senses are refined;  the brain disconnects from whatever part of the body is not being used so that it may focus its energies on the parts of the body that need it most. 

Thinking about this process reminds me of my days in ICU when I was connected to a ventilator.  My diaphragm was paralyzed and I was unable to breathe on my own.  I was on a ventilator for a total of 34 days, and in that short period of time, my brain forgot how to breathe.  When I regained the use of that muscle, I had to consciously think to myself "OK, breathe" in order to take every single breath.  Imagine that for a minute.  On average, a healthy adult at rest will take 12 breaths per minute.  So twelve times per minute, I had to tell myself to breathe.  At night I had to be reconnected to the ventilator.  It only took a few days before the involuntary response kicked back in and I no longer had to think about it, but those few days really taught me the meaning of "learning how to breathe all over again".

The same is true for every other part of my body that was affected by this illness.  To this day, I have to consciously think about lifting up my foot when I walk.  My right leg can pretty much do it on its own, but my left still drags if I don't say in my head "OK, pick up your foot".  It's like disconnecting your car radio:  it's not going to work unless you reconnect those wires.  I have to think about almost everything I do until it becomes involuntary once again.  My brain has to reconnect the wires.  I always used to think that if I could move it and feel it, I should be using it.  Shame on me for not, but now I am learning how to walk all over again.

It really puts into perspective the length of time it takes to recover from any injury, and especially one that completely shut my entire body down.  I can remember when trying to lift a 1-pound dumbbell seemed like the hardest thing I ever had to do, now my arms are so strong grown men have arm-wrestled me -- and lost.

It renews my hope that one day I will be looking back and saying "I remember when I could barely walk 300 steps" as I'm running down the beach, and it reaffirms the mantra I play over and over in my head --  Never Give Up!



Step count today:  936

Steps I'm behind:  5,596

Day 166

So, I've been gone again for a few days.  I received some terrible news recently that my best friend passed away, and I needed to deal with that.  I'm not sure how to deal with it, really.  At first I was all over the place with my emotions, bordering on a panic attack many times, until I found out it was what she wanted, then I think I found my peace.

Susan battled with cancer for a very long time.  She was a strong fighting champion, and if you just met her, you would never know what she was really going through.  She always had a bright, sunny smile and nice things to say.  Her death came so suddenly, I assumed the cancer had finally taken over and she had lost her battle, but in reality, she won.  She decided it was time, and she didn't want to suffer anymore.  She took her life into her own hands like she always had and made the decision to let nature take its course.  I always admired her for her courage and willingness to do what needed to be done.  I know that she just knew this was going to continue to be a very long, hard battle, and the only way she would come out a winner was to decide when and how she finally let go.  That takes enormous strength, something Susan definitely possessed.  I will miss her terribly, but I am so glad she has found her peace in this world and I look forward to the day when I see her again.

So now that I am able to function a bit more normally, I am back to my walking routine.  I bought myself some new shoes yesterday, and today I am wearing them without my foot brace just to see how my left foot does.

I have even more reason to work even harder now.  Susan always cheered me on and always believed in me, and I will never let her down.  I can feel her gently coaxing me, telling me I can do it and to never give up!

Step count today:  215

Steps I'm behind:  7,745

Day 148

I took the past couple of days off of walking.  To be honest, I just didn't want to, and I needed the rest.  My legs have been screaming at me, and I know when to listen.

I am sure that most of you have heard about Matt, the man who quit his job to go "walkabout" across the US from New York to Oregon, but just in case you've just come out from under your rock:

http://www.imjustwalkin.com/

Most people only dream of doing something like what Matt is doing.  I am one of them.  I think his journey is amazing, and I only wish I had the ability to do the same.  The sites he has seen, and the people he has encountered, are incredible.  I'm just blown away by the whole thing.  If I had the resources, I would travel to him and walk beside him as long as I could.

So, after staying up until the wee hours of the morning reading every post and looking at every picture Matt has posted along his journey so far, I am now filled with wanderlust.  The best I can do to cure it is walk in my home and add to my step count, then maybe hit the park later for some much needed cardio.

Step count today:  520

Steps I'm behind:  7,064

Day 144

I got so overwhelmed yesterday that I never got the chance to enter in my blog, so I am carrying over yesterday's step count to today.

Step count today:  623

Steps I'm behind:  6,548

Day 141

After walking 1,103 steps yesterday, my left hip is hurting me a bit today.  I also suffered with a terrible leg spasm all -- night -- long.  My left leg spasmed hard, and quite painfully, from the time I laid down until the time I got up in the morning.  I'm sure it's just the extra movement, or it's pissed off, or whatever.  All I know is it was painful, I couldn't sleep, and it was terribly annoying.

So today I thought I would take it a bit easier in the step department, although I don't seem to be doing that as of yet.

Step count today:  713

Steps I'm behind:  6,624

Day 140

The day after I did my 1,031 steps, I took a break.  I had company coming, so I had to clean all day, and my legs were feeling the affects from the day before, so I figured it was a good time to rest and let the muscles repair themselves.  Yesterday, I took as many steps as I could muster, but after having company and not getting much sleep, I did just below my daily requirement and then called it.  I figured it's best to be a little short, than fall and get behind even further.

Today will be my day to attempt to squeeze in 1,000 again, and do three miles in my chair.  The miles are getting easier and easier, as I get in better and better shape.  The better shape I am in, the longer distances I can walk before becoming fatigued.  It's all such a great process, and I love how it's making my body feel.  I've always had a strong ticker, and I love that it's getting even stronger with all the cardio I am doing.  It's going to need to be strong to once again pump blood through 6' of standing me!

So, it's off to the races today.  The last thousand steps I did made me feel so accomplished and proud that I just can't wait to get another thousand down.

Step count today:  1103

Steps I'm behind:  7,063

Getting Motivated - Day 131

I'm having a hard time getting motivated today.  It happens sometimes -- days when I feel like not doing much.  They are rare, but they happen.  Today is certainly one of those days.

So what do you do when you can't seem to find the motivation to do what needs to be done?

Me?  I try not to think about it and just get in "robot" mode, and do it.  Once I start, it seems I forget all about being lazy and unmotivated, and I'm off to the races.

So, the biggest hurdle is that initial hump.  That little push we need to get started.  Afterall, energy breeds energy, so once you are up and moving you will remain up and moving.

Some days my coffee is enough, some days I need something else.  Today, I strapped on my Livestrong bracelet so that the sight of it on my wrist will make me feel even lazier if I don't get up and get started on something (I mean Lance Armstrong rides for like five hours at a time!).  I need to do some crawling, it has been a few days, and I definitely need to do some walking.  Maybe the power of Lance will inject me with the energy I need to accomplish those tasks.

On other days it seems no matter what I do, I just can't summon the energy it takes to do anything.  Those are the days I listen to my body and take it easy.  Afterall, even God rested one day out of seven.

Food is good energy, too.  I just had some of my famous boneless wings (no breading) and a big glass of water. 

It's off to the races I go...

Step count today:  413

Steps I'm behind:  7,580 (eeks!)

I found this and thought I would add it as a tasty treat of motivation:

Yes, that is me, about 13 years ago shortly before my illness.  My motivation.

Day 128

It is a sweltering day here in Florida.  The humidity is thick as butter today!  Should make for an interesting cardio session later, especially when I add some weight to my chair for an even better workout.

I was tired yesterday, and lacking energy.  We went to the trail to get in our miles, and I was struggling so I called it at one mile.  I felt like such a pansy, but I guess my body was just having "one of those days".  I know something is better than nothing, but it frustrates me when I feel like I just can't go on no matter how hard I try.  For someone who is now doing three miles at a time, one mile just seems like defeat.  I know it's not, but it seems like it.

Today will be better.  I also need to get some more steps and crawling in today.  It will be a busy day of working out so I can make up for being such a weakling yesterday ;^)

I can't wait to get out in the heat and sweat off some frustrations.

Step count today:  277

Steps I'm behind:  7,171

Day 126

I celebrated Cinco de Mayo yesterday with five miles.  That's the first five mile "roll" I've done since I began training.  It felt great! 

The only downside I can see to doing so much cardio is that it has increased my energy levels exponentially, and now all I want to do is get out there and do more cardio.  I am finding mundane everyday tasks boring and effortless.  These are all good developments, it's just going to take some getting used to.  I am learning to manage the higher energy levels, but I never thought it would be so hard to do.  I'm suddenly like Speedy Gonzales on steroids... ZOOM!

Getting in shape has never felt so good, and with each pound that comes off, and each mile I add to my workout, I notice how much easier it is  to walk and crawl.  I still have my "off" days of course, but I can really start to feel results and I'm loving it.  It has become my way of life that every single day I have to do something to work up a sweat, and something that makes me use my body more than the day before.  It's as if I'm 21 again (I wish). 

Today will be no exception.  Once this coffee kicks in I'm off to do something good.

Step count today:  250

Steps I'm behind:  7,175

Day 124

My legs hurt like hell today.  I guess that's a good thing, but it doesn't make the pain any more bearable. 

I think I'm having an all around "I feel like crap" day.  We all get them.  Today is mine.  I own it.  Maybe I need a nap.

The heat is insane here in Florida.  It's like Mother Nature woke up and forgot what month we're in.  Someone needs to tell her she's way off.  I would, but I'm too busy being lazy.

Must... go... do... something... productive...



Step count today:  50

Steps I'm behind:  7,157

Day 118

I accomplished what I set out to do yesterday, minus the exercise bike.  By the time I had done my five minutes of crawling I felt like I had just ran a marathon, and I still had to go do three miles in my chair, so I figured I'd save my strength.  I am going to get on the bike today, however. 

Apparently I'm getting in shape again since yesterday's three miles weren't necessarily a piece of cake, but it wasn't exactly hard either.  During the three miles I felt the usual pains; shoulders and triceps burning, hating it at certain points, wanting to stop, but I pushed on.  Afterward was when it didn't feel like I had really done anything.  I was waiting for that "wow, I just did three miles" feeling to kick in and it never did.  I guess my body is getting conditioned and I will need to pick up the pace a bit and start adding distance.  YAY!

I will do some more crawling today and see if I can't go a little further.  Although I did the five minutes yesterday, I had to break for a little bit about mid-point and let my arms go back in their sockets and catch my breath.  I would like to see if I can go farther than 2 1/2 minutes before breaking.  Yesterday it felt like I left my arms on the floor when I had finished, but I guess that means I'm getting a good workout :^)~

This crawling thing is proving to be a very hard workout, and I love it.  I need to try to add as much every day as I can.  Muscles are getting worked that don't normally do anything, even when I walk, so I am very happy about that.  Between the walking, crawling, and miles in my chair I should be a rail in no time!  A very muscular rail :^)

I'm a little less annoyed with people today.  Yesterday was good -- I didn't have anybody bother me at the park -- even though there were lots of people there.  That's how it should be.  I realize that some people are just ignorant, or they just don't know any better, but that shouldn't be my problem, and just because I'm in a wheelchair it sometimes becomes my problem, and that makes me even more upset.  There are days when I can take it with a grain of salt and brush it off as just another clueless person, and then there are days like the past few when I just get fed up with being nice all the time.  I suppose with everything there has to be balance.

The good news is that for every person that says something stupid or does something stupid, there are countless others who totally "get it" and make my life enjoyable.  People like my close friends who don't treat me any differently, yet quietly look out for me and keep my disability in mind.  The cool people in my life who love me for me.  The new people I have met over the past year who have turned out to be amazing, and the people I have known most of my life with whom I have recently renewed friendships.  And, let's not forget those of you who support me and my effort to try to walk again.  I could gush all day about you people.  You know who you are (I hope), and I just want to say thanks.  It's people like you who get people like me through every minute of every day.

Step count today:  341

Step's I'm behind:  6,708

My Custom Tee

You can wear the same t-shirt I do when I walk or workout.  Help support my cause!  Click here!

Day 54

Step count today:  162